June is National Potty Training Month

June is just around the corner, and as always the 6th month of the year gives everyone a bevy of exciting and relevant holidays for humans the world over to enjoy (yes, even you, greasy Italians!).

Of course, in observance of Potty Training Awareness Month, Pleated Jeans will be kicking off our annual Potty Training Pledge Drive and Awareness Magical Bus Tour in the coming days.

Potty-Training-artFACT: Did you know that failure to potty train is the number one cause of death for toddlers (right behind traffic injuries, drowning, fire, infections from owies, beheadings, suicide and all forms of illness)!? You didn’t? Then guess, what? YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Sadly, thanks to the deep pockets of the insidious diaper industry, every year hundreds of parents remain oblivious to the idea of potty training. And as if that weren’t enough, thousands more refuse to acknowledge that potty training has any positive effects on health, happiness and living an active, stink-free lifestyle.

Would you believe that one in 13 adults uses their home toilet for the sole purpose of mailing their letters of prayer to the Greek god, Poseidon? Yes, obviously this is something we all do, but repenting our sins to the Great God of the Atlantic is only one of MANY great uses for the toilet!

The Pleated Jeans Magical Bus Tour will take us all over this great country. Most likely, we will be coming to your town, so be sure to look for us in your favorite grocery store toilet paper aisle or the bathroom stall of the local Super China Buffet.

Of course, we will also be staging our annual one-week peaceful protest outside Huggies HQ in Irving, TX. Just like last year, we’ll be out their picketing with clever protest signs (Diapers? More like DIE-pers) and teaching the proper Pinch & Shake maneuver to passersby.

Look forward to seeing you there!

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There’s No Need To Argue

You guys! Come on, what are we doing here? We’ve been yelling at each other like a bunch of Christian Bales on a PCP bender for the past 20 minutes now!

Look, obviously our opinions are just too divisive on this hot-button issue. I could sit here and yell about the numerous reasons that Blaise Pascal is hands-down the greatest mathematician of all-time, but you guys are just way too gay for Charles Babbage to ever listen. And vice versa.

So we could sit here and yell at each other until we’re blue in the face – and from the looks of it Kevin is already there – but arguing isn’t gonna solve anything. Seriously, we’re not a bunch of cavemen. This is the 21st century, for Christ sakes. And in today’s modern world there’s a much easier way for civil, intelligent men like us to solve an argument – A KNIFE FIGHT!

Seriously guys, think about it. Why bother trying to get to the heart of the matter by screaming at the top of our lungs when one well-placed knife thrust can easily get the “point” across in a matter of milliseconds!?

And let’s face it, slicing at each other with a couple of 12-inch hunting knives is a heck of a lot more fun than sitting on a bunch of chaise lounges and trading verbal insults!

But, listen to me. Yakking on and on like some schmuck whose talking to a bunch of people who have never been in a knife fight before. Look, this is obviously familiar territory for all of us. We all know the sheer joy and exhilaration of puncturing an opponent’s lung cavity and watching him gasp for air as the life from his eyes slowly fades.

So what am I doing still talking? Let’s have a knife fight!

Okay, standard rules apply, which means we’re playing old school style – one-on-one single-elimination tournament. Two men enter the circle of chalk, only one man leaves. Whoever wins it all gets bragging rights. Whoever is still alive on the losing team has to clean up the blood and give the winners a 20-minute Shiatsu back massage (whether they’re dead or not).

Any knife is fair game, so long as the blade is 12 inches long or less. I’m guessing Jimmy’s sticking to his faithful 5-inch butterfly. And it looks like Reginald is packing his mixed martial arts throwing knives. Saul, what you got? A 6-inch Indo-Tibetan Kilaya!! Uh oh! Watch out fellas, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that bad boy has been blessed by a Buddhist monk!

Ooh. I’m shaking! I’m shaking! Ha – just kidding Saul. Geez, save the murderous looks for the ring, alright? We’re all friends here.

I tell ya, we all may love knives, but we all have a different favorite, that’s for sure! And I gotta say, that’s what makes for a SUPER FUN knife fight – DIVERSITY!

All right guys. Let’s do this. Everyone on my team, remember, we’re fighting for the honor of the great Blaise Pascal, none other than the FATHER OF PROBABILITY THEORY himself. So let’s not hold anything back, okay? One. Two. Three. KNIFE FIGHT!!!

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On This Day In History – May 27th

1895:  Oscar Wilde is imprisoned for sodomy, which, if you think about it, is a lot like punishing a kid for stealing a candy bar by locking him up in a candy store.

1927: The last Ford Model T rolls of the lines. Henry Ford would keep this final production model and, in his will, betrothed it to the Smithsonian Institute. Also in Ford’s will? The request that, upon death, his bones would be stripped and disassembled via an efficient assembly line of Ford plant workers and then hidden in various parts of Detroit for citizens to seek out in a citywide treasure hunt. According to legend, whoever found Mr. Ford’s left femur would be given a lavish prize. To this day it has not been found.

1937: The Golden Gate Bridge opens up to pedestrian traffic. The bridge would have been finished months earlier, but workers were forced to disassemble and reassemble major portions of the bridge on two separate occasions when it was learned that some of the metal had been suspiciously shipped from Detroit. Contrary to speculation, Mr. Ford’s femur was nowhere to be found.

1941: In the march up to World War II, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt proclaims an “unlimited national emergency” to invest in and invent a wheelchair that could not only “roll on its own accord” but also “sprout enormous feathered wings so that cripples may experience the freedom and enjoyment of soaring among the stars and the grackles.” A year later, the “New Wheel” would be unveiled. Hundreds would die before the winged feature would be scrapped and replaced with a newer, even more impressive feature: reverse.

1995: Intent on making the New Wheel a reality, Christopher Reeve achieves flight thanks to a technologically advanced pair of feathered wings. Unfortunately, in mid-flight the wings snap off of his “Pegasus” (which was just a regular horse) and Mr. Reeve is paralyzed from the neck down. Once again, murmurings of the dreaded “New Wheel Curse” begin to surface.

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The Girls Want To Go Skinny Dipping

Guys, I have big news. I just got back from Tina’s cabin, and guess what? The girls want to go skinny dipping!

I know! Can you believe it? The girls? And us? Out there swimming in the lake with absolutely zero fabric between us and the water? It’s the kind of thing we’ve all dreamed about!!

skinnydippersOf course, I don’t think I need to remind anyone that at the beginning of camp, we all made a pact to touch a boob by the end of summer. And since we all agreed that Tyler’s brush up with Stacy’s right knocker during touch football didn’t count, so far none of us have succeeded.

So naturally, at first glance this whole going skinny dipping with the girls idea seems like a prime boob-touching opportunity. But is it really?

Let me lay down the facts. Yes, if we go skinny dipping we’ll get to see the girls naked. Ka-ching. BUT, it also means they’ll get to see US naked. And what with my back acne, Teddy’s obesity and Jason’s almost non-existent penis, I think we can all agree that going skinny dipping may actually HURT our chances for touching a boob.

Secondly, the girls want to go skinny dipping tonight; midnight to be exact. Now, since we were all enrolled in the junior meteorologists camp program, I don’t think I have to mention that Lake Pinasockwa is roughly 50 degrees Fahrenheit at that time of night. I mean, even if a bunch of girls are swimming naked around us, does treading water in a frigid cold lake really sound like that much fun?

Thirdly, I think we can all agree that the board shorts my mom got be from the Billabong outlet are incredibly awesome. Now, I know it’s hard to believe, but the girls have yet to see me in this super hip combination of mesh and nylon. And, I’m not ashamed to say it, but all of you guys also look totally rockin’ in the swimsuits your mothers got you.

Especially you, Pete. Seriously, that paisley pattern looks smokin’ awesome.

Unfortunately, if we go skinny dipping with the girls, that means they won’t get a chance to see us in our super cool swimsuits! And what with this being our last week of camp, I’m beginning to think THEY NEVER WILL!

So, at first I thought, maybe we SHOULD show up at the lake tonight. Except we wear our incredibly awesome swimsuits and just stand on the shoreline and WATCH the girls swim naked. That way, they’ll see us in our board shorts and we’ll get to stay out of the freezing cold water.

But then I remembered that Karen’s gonna be there. And I totally know that if I see Karen naked, I’m gonna get a super enormous boner. And if there’s one thing I don’t need, it’s a giant boner bulge messing up the totally awesome fit of my Billabong board shorts!!

So I say screw it. We’ve still got 4 days of camp left. There will still be plenty of other opportunities to touch a boob – I’m sure of it. Besides, Stan still has that mushy grapefruit – we can all just take turns touching that again. From what I hear, it totally feels exactly like a girl’s boob, and probably smells twice as good.

So we’re agreed? We’re not gonna go skinny dipping with the girls tonight? OH GOOD! That means we can do my fashion show idea! We’ll all switch board shorts and see what they look like on EVERYONE ELSE!! How fun is that gonna be!? I don’t know, but it’s got to be WAY BETTER than going skinny dipping with the girls!!

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My Name Should Be On A Plaque Somewhere

Okay, so I was thinking the other day, “Hey, I’m pretty awesome.” This is pretty much a fact that everyone knows. How do they know? Well, I tell them, of course. All the time.

But then I got to thinking, well what happens when I’m not around? I mean, as it stands now, I have to be in the same room for people to know how awesome I am. And sure, I can walk into as many rooms as I want and yell, “HEY, I’M PRETTY AWESOME,” but trust me, that can get pretty time consuming after awhile.

Lucky bastard
Lucky bastard

That’s why I think my name should be on a plaque somewhere. That way, people can look at it and know right away how awesome I am.

Plus, for all those people who doubt how awesome I am when I tell them – BAM! There’s a plaque right there on the wall that PROVES it! Yeah! That would really shut Donnie up!

Honestly, I’m surprised my name isn’t on a plaque somewhere already. I mean, to have a plaque made in your honor, you’ve got to accomplish one of three things – achievement, merit or corporate excellence. And I totally have accomplished all three of these things.

Is it because people think I’m too humble to accept such a prestigious award of recognition? Because that’s simply not true.

That’s why I think my name should be on a plaque somewhere. And this wouldn’t be an ordinary plaque. “WOW! That is one sophisticated plaque,” people will say as they gaze upon the artisan-crafted black and gold Florentine border edging. And the frame? Well, everyone will be TOTALLY CAPTIVATED when they see that it’s a 100 percent NATURAL wood finish.

What kind of wood? Rosewood. Definitely rosewood.

The plaque itself? Well, of course the lettering will be PRECISION LASER-ETCHED in polished brass and dropped on a marbled onyx black background. Not midnight. Not sable. Onyx. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the classics.

Yep, everything about the plaque will hint at just how awesome I am. And to finish off that one-two punch, the words will just outright say it.

What will those words say, exactly? Well my name will be on there, of course (size 16 font, at least). And the plaque will have some sort of super prestigious title, like “Diamond Achievement Award” or “Flame of Excellence.” Seriously, how cool would that be?

Then, there would be a little blurb explaining the plaque. I’m not sure exactly what the terminology would be, but the phrases “super awesome,” “outstanding effort” and “babe magnet” would definitely be in there. Then, to close it all out there would be a date that gives people an idea of when I achieved this unprecedented level of supreme excellence. That date? 2009 – Infinity.

Where should my plaque be placed? Probably somewhere with a lot of foot traffic. That way, we could make sure as many people as possible know how awesome I really am. I’m not really picky, but if we could swing it, I suppose the best place would be on a museum wall somewhere between a Van Gogh and a Picasso. That way, not only will lots of people get to see it, but it will also let everyone know that my level of awesomeness is just as rare and precious as a classical masterpiece painting.

And so, Mr. President, that is why I am writing you today. Because probably only an individual of your stature would be worthy enough to bestow such a plaque in my honor. I mean, seriously, only the most awesome people receive a plaque from the President of the United States! And I truly am pretty awesome.

So yeah, go ahead and have that plaque printed up. Don’t worry about when you should schedule the press conference – my schedule is pretty wide open right now.

Thanks,
Pleated Jeans

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How To Get A Job In Hell

Okay, let’s just go ahead and admit it: the Jehovah’s Witnesses are right. Sure, we may not want to admit it, but by now it seems pretty obvious. And unless you’re willing to convert and give up all those fun holidays (Christmas, birthdays, Easter, Talk Like A Pirate Day), that means you don’t have a chance in hell (zing) at nabbing one of those 144,000 spots in heaven.

Image of HellThis likely means you’re going to hell. And from what I’ve gathered from cartoons, that place isn’t exactly a great spot for spending all of eternity. However, if we’re all doomed to such a fate, we might as well make the best of a bad situation. Which means if you want the time to go by faster, you need a way to break up the boredom and monotony of 24/7 torture. The best way to do this is by getting a job.

Unfortunately, with so many sinners wasting away in hell, competition is fierce for the few jobs that are available. Here are some good ways to land a job in hell:

Overthrow a Demon

Let’s face it – Satan’s demon helpers have all the best jobs. Decapitator, Senior Whipper, Square Dance Coordinator – these are the jobs that go to Satan’s buddies. Since no one would ever willingly give up one of these prime positions, it’s gonna take some trickery on your part to pull the old switcheroo and land the job of your dreams.

Unfortunately, strong-arm tactics seldom work on demons (those suckers are ripped). But like any common meathead, they can be tricked with brainpower. For example, is you’re your particular demon allergic to peanuts? Bake him some peanut butter cookies on his birthday and present it to him in a handsome colored cellophane wrapper (with personalized card). He’ll be so touched that he’ll gobble them down without so much as a thought. When he starts convulsing, grab his sword/whip/blowtorch and go to town.

IMPORTANT: Be sure to rip off his head and place it over your own. This will allow you to absorb his superhuman powers.

Other potential ways to overthrow a demon include singing a lullaby until it falls asleep, beating him in a square dance competition, or simply pointing to its weapon and saying, “Hey, cool. Can I see that for a second?”

Talk to Gary

If you want to go the traditional job route, then you’re gonna have to go talk to Gary. Gary is the human resources manager in hell. If you’re really eager to get to work, a few less appealing positions may be immediately offered to you – Blood Mopper, Assistant Rapist, etc.

However, if you want a more stimulating position, you’re going to have to go through Gary’s interview process, which can be extensive.

If Gary likes what he sees, then he’ll use a highly technical selection process to place you in a more exciting job position. What does Gary like to see? Well, a suit and tie doesn’t hurt. Also, any experience with castration might be helpful. But to really win Gary over, here’s a little hint: flattery will get you EVERYWHERE!

So what kind of jobs can you expect Gary to pull out of his hat? Mid-level positions mostly. Things like Beast Groomer, Moat Scrubber and Square Dance Caller. However, if you’re really lucky, a more creative job may have you designing next season’s line of tattered rags or coordinating the demons’ annual Spring Fling.

Create Your Own Job

Did you spot a need that hasn’t been met by hell’s present job industry? Then think like an entrepreneur and start your own business! There are plenty of successful entrepreneurs in hell these days. For example, Ghengis Khan – after continually escaping from his slave cage – went on to form CageSecure, a thriving consulting company that promises to “Keep Slaves Caged!”

Of course, your enterprise doesn’t need to be as technical as this. Audrey Hepburne runs a thriving dry cleaning service. Just keep your eyes peeled, and eventually you may not just be avoiding torture, but also raking in more than your fair share of Hell’s monetary currency (goat carcasses).

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