Honey, You Forgot to Close the Time Portal Again

Well gosh darn it honey, you’ve done it again – you forgot to close the time portal. I walked into the backyard to find the thing just swirling away in a vortex of blacks and blues.

How long has it been open and unattended? Based on the fact that the color has been sucked from everything within a 30-foot radius of the thing, I’m going to guess at least a couple of hours.

portalFor goodness sake, honey! I JUST painted that swing set! Now I’m going to have to do it again, because God knows little Madison won’t go anywhere near the darn thing after it’s been stripped down to grayscale!

Speaking of Madison, where is she? If I have to go searching through all of time and space to find my little girl again, well I’m just going to flip out! I really can’t deal with those cavemen right now, Josephine. I mean, seriously, the sheer amount of effort it takes to ask them even the simplest question! And the way they hoot and holler when I show them my “magic” fire stick (Zippo lighter). Please, guys get with the program.

And if you want me to go to the Dark Ages, well you can just forget it. I’ve been shot out of a catapult one too many times.

What’s that? Madison is at Gam-Gam and Pop-Pop’s? Well, thank goodness for that!

But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook – seriously, how many times do I have to tell you to close that time portal? Need I remind you that the thing is a 2-way stream. You leave that thing open, and any person OR THING that happens upon the wormhole on the other end can just come sauntering into our backyard.

And judging by the screams of terror you belted out when that velociraptor crashed our game night with the Stevens’ last week, I’m guessing you don’t want that to happen again.

Look, why do we even have that darn time portal in the first place? I told you it was going to be a waste of money. You do this all the time. You buy something, use it once, and never use it again. This is the treadmill fiasco all over again!

Fine. You want to keep it, that’s fine. But for goodness sake, CLOSE THE DARN THING WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH IT! What were you, raised in a barn?

Do you remember how much that thing cost? You leave it open, and anyone in the neighborhood can just walk up and use it whenever they want. FOR FREE! We’re supposed to be CHARGING for admission, remember? That’s how you talked me into spending the money in the first place.

Look, I’m not going to tell you again. You leave that time portal open one more time, and I’m going to divert the polar rays with a refrigerator magnet. And you know once that happens, the time portal is rendered completely useless beyond repair!

There, okay. I’ve said my peace. Now, what’s for dinner? I’m famished.

Oh, honey, not velociraptor again! We’ve been eating that thing for, like, a month straight! Can’t we just call in an order to The Hut or something? Guh – fine. But I call the tail.

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What Men Look for in a Woman

Whether you’re an awkward teen girl looking for your real-world Edward Cullen equivalent, or an aging, withered old divorcee just looking to settle, single women all want the same thing: a man (well, almost all women).

obama-check-out-girlSo what is it that men want when they’re looking for a girlfriend? It’s pretty simple actually. No matter what the age, race or ethnicity of a man, he always asks himself three questions before deciding to go on a date with a girl. These questions are:

  • Is she attractive?
  • Does she have a good personality?
  • Can she drive a racecar?

Let’s look at each question more carefully…

Is She Attractive?

Certainly, a man must be attracted to the lady for him to be interested. But does that mean we are all looking for a woman with movie star good looks? Yes, yes it does. And who is the hot young movie/book character that all the men are talking about these days?

That’s right, Anne of Green Gables (I’m talking adult Anne, not underage Anne).

If you don’t have long braids of red hair or a “pale countenance,” have no fear, there are plenty of other attractive celebrities that you can model your hairstyle and general appearance after. They include: Mary Steenburgen, Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey, Danica Patrick and Angelica from the Rugrats cartoon. Beyond celebrity good looks, other things that men like include:

  • Pretty smile
  • Hourglass figure
  • Really long fingernails
  • Nipples (the more, the better)
  • Thick mustache
  • Hooks for hands

Does She Have a Good Personality?

Guys want a confident woman who can make him laugh (i.e. Steenburgen or Oprah). As such, if you want to really impress a man, put on some oversized shoes, dress up like a clown, and slip on a banana peel. This classic comedy routine is hilarious, and is guaranteed to get your man to ask you out for a coffee or Burger King Croissan’Wich on the spot.

During your date, keep him smiling (so don’t take off the clown costume yet!), but also talk about your interests and hobbies. Good topics of discussion include sports, racecars (see below), your last all-girl slumber party, Christopher Columbus, and your exorbitant number of nipples.

Can She Drive a Racecar?

Racecars are cool. Super cool. All us guys think so. Which is why the ability to drive a racecar is a crucial skill we always look for in a mate. And if you not only can drive a racecar, but own one as well, then you may as well just start dress shopping now because, baby, you’ll be married in no time.

Trust me, if you’re struggling in the looks or personality department, just take a few laps around your nearest racetrack and you’ll be dating the man of your dreams in no time. Happy hunting!

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Where Should We Put This Elephant?

Okay, so we stole the elephant, now what? We can’t just leave it here in my garage for all eternity. My big shot lawyer of a dad is going to be home in an hour! And he is going to be super pissed if he doesn’t have a place to park his Mercedes!!

I could put the elephant in one of our extra bedrooms. My dad hardly ever goes to the east wing. No, that won’t work. We need that space to do spoiled rich kid things, like play roller hockey inside and do recreational drugs.

elephant-in-room Maybe we could put the elephant in the backyard and throw a huge white sheet over it. It’ll look like a really big ghost. And sure, my dad might catch on if he ever looks under the sheet, but that’ll never happen. And you know why? Because my dad HATES ghosts! They scare him to death! He’ll never be the wiser!

No wait, that won’t work either. I need those sheets for my bed. They’re 100% Egyptian cotton – super soft. Plus, if my dad walks into my room and sees a bed without any sheets on it, he’s probably going to say something like, “Yo son! Where your sheets at, boyyyy?” (he’s representing Chris Brown right now). And sure I can tell him, “Yo pops! Them linens stank like sheet! I’m scrubbing ’em clean in the washing machine.”

But that’ll only buy us, like, a couple hours tops. Because, eventually, my old man’s gonna expect to see those sheets back on my bed.

Guys, we really should have thought this whole elephant thing through, don’t you think? I mean, it’s not everyday a bunch of teens go to the zoo and just steal an elephant on a whim.

I have to admit, the only reason I even agreed to go through with it was because I never thought we’d get away with it. But then we hopped into the elephant pen and none of the other zoo visitors saw us. And, luckily, the elephant trainer had eaten too much pudding and fallen asleep under that big tree. Also, the gate to the pen was miraculously unlocked. And the elephant just happened to be on those giant roller skates, so we just wheeled him right on out of there.

You gotta admit guys, that’s an almost unbelievable amount of good luck! And sure, I’m glad we did it. I mean, WHO ELSE HAS AN ELEPHANT!? Seriously, the girls are going to be super impressed and we’re going to have so many dates, but only if we find a place to put it!

Maybe we could just put him in the living room and give it a vacuum cleaner to push around. My dad will just think we have a new maid.

But then I’ll have to tell him that we have a new maid because our old maid, Lupe, was eaten by a bear or something. And then he’ll feel so bad for her, that he’ll start a charity foundation for victims of bear attacks and name it in her honor. He’ll pour tons of money into that foundation. And guys, I NEED THAT MONEY SO I WON’T HAVE TO WORK WHEN I GET OLDER!!

Okay, that’s it. I give up. Someone’s going to have to eat this elephant.

Yes, that’s right, EAT THE ELEPHANT! We can’t take it back to the zoo, someone will see us for sure. And we can’t just let it go – the cops will follow the elephant’s trail of destruction right back to my house.

So this elephant is going to have to be eaten, bones and all. It’s the only way to get rid of all this evidence. So guys, go grab some forks and maybe a package of hamburger buns. Oh, and get plenty of BBQ sauce too. Because Lupe loves BBQ sauce.

Hey, Lupe! Get your butt out here unless you want to get fired and deported! I’ve got a job for you!

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FAQs For The LaserDome Laser Show

laser showHave you ever been to a planetarium? Unless you’re a super dork, probably not. Because who wants to go into some giant domed room and look up at a bunch of “stars.” For one, that’s boring. For two, you can walk outside and do that for free.

But finally, there’s a reason for all us cool kids to go to the planetarium. Because every third Saturday of the month, the planetarium magically morphs from a mega lame snorefest into the ultra-cool and awe-inspiring LASERDOME!!! If you want to treat your eyes to this most amazing show on earth (suck it Ringling Bros.), then here’s what you need to know.

What is a laser show?

Epic. A laser show is epic. It is also killer, boss, mega awesome, tubular and Mad-tastic (or, alternatively, rad-tastic).

Wait? Epic AND Rad-Tastic? How Can a Laser Show be BOTH Those Words at Once?

Because a laser show takes the two coolest things in the world – lasers and Pink Floyd – and mixes them together for one UNFORGETTABLE night of entertainment! That’s right: while your eyes SEE lasers flashing around and forming shapes, your ears HEAR Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon!!! Holy Moses, WHAT COULD BE COOLER THAN THAT!? (answer: nothing).

Hold On. Lasers? You mean like “Lasers,” Lasers?

YES! Lasers – like the kind you’ve seen shot out of James Bonds‘ raygun or Mecha-Godzilla‘s giant eyeballs! For real! These giant beams of light will be flashing over your head and creating COOL designs like pinwheels and prisms!!

COOL! But how are these laser beams made?

Why the heck would you want to know that!? You’re not some sort of dork who likes math and stuff are you? Seriously, leave the science to the eggheads and just get your butt in here and WATCH THESE LASERS!!

Am I cool enough to watch this laser show?

Probably not. But don’t worry – LaserDome employees are not authorized to turn away ANY visitors, no matter how nerdy or uncool.

Even if I wear glasses?

Yes! Even if you wear glasses!! Don’t worry – even if the King Nerd himself (Bill Gates) showed up at the LaserDome, we’d HAVE to let him in!!

Wait, are we talking a laser show with just one or two colors of lasers? Because that would only be a little cool.

No way!! Our laser shows have EVERY COLOR IN THE RAINBOW!! Red. Blue, Green. EVEN YELLOW!!!! Trust us, this show is 100 percent legit.

Pink Floyd? Do I need to take psychoactive drugs to enjoy the show?

While drug-use is encouraged, even sober people can enjoy the LaserDome. Why? Because this laser show is JUST THAT AWESOME!!!!

How much does the laser show cost?

$20 for adults. $12 for children under the age of 10. All senior citizens and military veterans receive a $1 discount.

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How To Survive Being Eaten By A Whale

Oh, those pesky whales. It seems us land mammals can’t swim more than three feet in the ocean without encountering one of these giant, gentle beasts. With such an overpopulation of whales these days, it’s no wonder marine biologists frequently and candidly refer to them as “the rats of the sea.”

jonah-whaleWhile whales rarely mean to cause harm to us humans, the sad fact is that they are just too hungry (and stupid) for their own good. What with the constant skimming for krill, it’s no wonder those bumbling sacks of blubber swallow an estimated 5 million people each year.

Do these people die once swallowed? Some do, yes. But others, such as Jonah from the Bible or Pinocchio from the Koran, survive comfortably and live to tell the tale. While these heroes only survived in a whale for a few days, long-term survival is also possible (example: I once successfully dodged the draft by living in a whale for two years straight). So, if you ever find yourself eye-to-eye with a whale, take a few tips from the expert (i.e. me), and you’ll likely emerge unscathed.

Get Swallowed Whole

Living inside a whale is hard enough as it is. Suffering a lost limb, open gash or decapitated head upon entry will certainly make survival a bit more difficult. Because of this, when encountering a whale, experts agree that curling up into a tight ball is the best course of action. That way, when swallowed, you will minimize the surface area of your body that might become crushed or caught on one of the whale’s many giant, jagged teeth.

Avoid The Whale’s Stomach Acid

Like most animals, the whale’s stomach contains a noxious concoction of highly acidic bile. Let the bile come in contact with your body for too long, and oops, you’ve been digested (and later, turned into poop!). Don’t let the whale win like this – as soon as you enter the beast’s stomach, hop out of the pool of bile and into a floating piece of wreckage. Whales swallow tons of junk everyday, so there will be plenty of items to choose from – rowboats, the crow’s nest from a pirate ship, a sailor’s coffin that was thrown overboard (tip: dump the sailor’s rotting corpse overboard for extra room).

Don’t Worry About Oxygen

Some people think that all those noxious fumes in the stomach might be poisonous if inhaled. While this might be true if swallowed whole by another animal, as cartoons have taught us, a whale’s stomach is inexplicably linked directly to the mammal’s blowhole, for some reason. As such, plenty of fresh oxygen will get circulated throughout your new home.

Catch Food To Eat

I hope you like eating krill, because that’s what’s going to be served at Chez Whale for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Use a fishnet to skim these little crustaceans out of the bile and into your makeshift life raft.

Pass The Time

Once you’ve attended to your basic needs for survival, it’s time to address the next biggest concern: dying of boredom. If you planned ahead, hopefully you brought along some coloring books or something to keep you busy. If not, you might try using the bones of fish and dead sailors to put on a puppet show. Or, try using a wooden plank to see how fast you can row around the circumference of the stomach. Then, try to beat your record!

Escape From the Whale’s Stomach (Optional)

No matter how much fun you’re having in the whale’s stomach, eventually you’ll probably begin to miss things like eating beef, watching sunsets, discussing the weather with acquaintances, and walking. Here are a few ways to end your captivity and get back to the “real” world:

  • Like Geppetto, you can start a campfire and force the whale to sneeze you out
  • Jonah was vomited out by his whale – use Ipecac if available
  • Use a rope to climb out the blowhole
  • Use dynamite to blow a hole in the side of the whale

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I Lost My Police Horse

Excuse me, good sir, my name is Officer Rogers. Is this the music festival’s lost and found?

It is? Oh good. Then let me ask you this: has anyone, by chance, turned in any horses in the past couple of hours?

police-horseNo, no. Not like a stuffed horse that a kid would play with. I’m talking a real-life, living and breathing horse. And not just any old regular horse. Specifically, I’m looking for a police horse. You know, the kind that a police officer such as myself might hypothetically get on and ride around to patrol an outdoor event such as a traveling carnival or, oh, I don’t know, a music festival perhaps.

What!? No, that’s preposterous. I did not lose my police horse. A police horse is official police property! Why, if I lost something that important (again), the Chief could have my badge! What would ever give you the idea that I LOST MY POLICE HORSE!?

The fact that I’m at a lost and found looking for a police horse?

Okay, you got me. I lost my police horse. I hopped off the little guy for ONE SECOND to buy a couple of churros (one for me, one for the horse), and when I turned around, well, I just straight up forgot where I left it.

Maybe if I described him for you? He’s black. About yay high. Has a long nose. Four legs.

Well, I don’t know, maybe you’ve never seen a horse before! This is Los Angeles after all; the big city. It’s rare to see an animal like a horse in the big city!

Well how can you be so sure you don’t have a police horse lying around if you’re not even going to look? Here, why don’t you just hand over the lost and found box behind you and I’ll root around in it myself. It’s not your horse so you don’t know what it looks like. I’ll recognize it for sure.

Hmm….nope no police horses in here. Drats. Where could that police horse have gotten to? You don’t think it ran away do you? No, that’s impossible. I told him I was buying him a churro before I left him. No one in his right mind would skip out on a free churro. Those things are delicious. All warm and cinnamon-y. Man, I could sure go for another one of those right now.

Say, has anyone by chance turned in a churro? If so, I may have to confiscate it for evidence. No? Okay, just thought I’d ask.

Back to the horse. Is this the only lost and found box you have? It is? Are you sure? Maybe there’s one box for lost items and one box for found items, and you just forgot?

No? Okay. Well I guess it’s not here. I’ll just put my hands in my pockets and skulk away. Wait a second! My pocket!!

Of course, now I remember! I didn’t want to leave the horse all alone, because he gets spooked around big crowds.

So I folded him up and put him in my pocket!! Oh, geez. Yep, look at that. He was in my pocket this whole time! How embarrassing! Gosh, I swear I am just such a GOOF sometimes! Alright well, thanks for all your help, buddy. I’ve got to get back to work. That riot that started about an hour ago has probably gotten pretty out of hand by now.

BLACKIE, AWAY!!!

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