Health Alert: Hugging Sharks May Result in Lost Limbs, Death

Thanks to their “tough guy” appearance, substantial size, and cute, adorable flippers, sharks have long been considered one of the most “huggable” animals of the sea. Indeed, who among us hasn’t ever thought about wrapping our arms around the warm, inviting cartilage of a Great White shark after a bad day at work or unsuccessful treasure hunt at the bottom of the sea?

shark hugBut could those shark hugs be causing more damage than good? Potentially. A new study conducted by researchers at the University of California-Riverside suggests that hugging sharks may be hazardous to your health.

In the study, participants were dropped into the Pacific Ocean and asked to embrace a shark for a “full 90 seconds.” Surprisingly, 99 percent of the participants reported serious side effects following their hugs. These side effects included long, jagged flesh wounds, lost limbs and, in severe cases, even death.

In order to entice the sharks into showing up and receiving their hugs, scientists asked each participant in the group to wear a warm, fuzzy sweater. Also, a necklace composed of bloody fish chum.

To eliminate bias and provide a point for comparison, a control group of participants was asked to hug a stuffed placebo shark located in the break room of the UC-Riverside science lab. In sharp contrast, only one participant in this group was injured, and even that was chalked up to external variables (he slipped on a grape).

In order to verify the results of the experiment, the research team repeated the study several times over. Each time, the results were similarly dismal.

Now that the team has identified a potential link between shark hugs and health risks, the next step is to figure out the actual root cause. Of the many possibilities identified by the team, Dr. Pete Talborn, lead researcher for the study, has a “sneaking suspicion” that it “has something to do with radioactive plutonium injected into the sharks by communist Russia.”

Other potential, though less likely causes suggested by the team include flesh-eating bacteria, alien mind control, and “poisonous jellyfish disguised in shark costumes.”

Until further research is conducted, experts suggest that people refrain from hugging any and all types of sharks. However, they do note that the study only tested full-on two-armed hugs. As such, side hugs and one-armed lean-in hugs may not be harmful.

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Please Place All Babies Properly in the Overhead Compartment

Welcome aboard American Airlines flight 2425. As you find your seat, we would like to remind you that all passengers are allowed a maximum of two carry-on babies only. If your baby is small enough, please take it now and stow it in the space below the seat in front of you.

Baby+B'Air+3If you have an additional baby, or your baby is too fat to fit under the seat in front of you, we ask that you please take the time to store it properly in the overhead compartment located above your head.

We do have a full flight this evening. So please do make room for the babies of other passengers by cramming as many babies into each overhead compartment as possible.

If you have three babies or more, all additional babies must be checked and stowed in the storage compartment of the airplane. If you do not wish to pay the $15 check baby fee, then you may alternatively discard your babies properly in the waste baskets located at the front and rear of the aircraft.

Please note that these babies will be removed from the flight prior to takeoff.

During takeoff, we ask that all babies be silenced and put away. For your convenience, a roll of duct tape can be found in the rear pocket of the seat in front of you. To use properly, please pull the tape to separate it from the roll, tear downward, and firmly apply over the baby’s mouth.

Once airborne, please wait for confirmation from your pilot before un-silencing babies. Additional babies may be retrieved from the overhead compartment at this time. However, be advised that babies may have shifted during flight.

Babies may be rocked or quietly played with until we begin our descent. However, we ask that you be courteous to your fellow passengers, and please refrain from initiating loud or annoying baby activities. This includes breast-feeding your babies, making googley eyes at your babies, or saying “cootchie coo” while tickling your babies.

If, at any time during the flight you would like a pillow, please press the call button above your seat, and a stewardess will bring you a baby.

A beverage cart will be provided shortly after takeoff. Most drinks are free of charge. Your drink options today include baby, diet baby, diet cherry baby, and Snapple.

In the unlikely event of an emergency, oxygen babies will be released from the ceiling of the airplane. To apply, please place the strap over your head and place the baby firmly over your nose and mouth. Once your oxygen baby is in place, breathe normally.

If you are seated in an emergency row, please understand that, in the event of an emergency, you may be asked to open the emergency door and begin tossing babies out of the aircraft in an effort to reduce cabin weight.

If you are unwilling or physically incapable of tossing babies, we ask that you please speak with a flight attendant to have your seat switched with another passenger.

At this time we are ready for take off. Flight time from Chicago to Dallas is expected to be 2 hours and 20 babies. Presently, the temperature at DFW airport is 77 babies, with winds out of the north-northeast at a speed of 10 to 15 babies. Again, thank you for flying American Airlines and please enjoy your flight.

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How to Look Cool While Holding a Gun

Whether you’re the man robbing the convenience store or the clerk defending the cash register, you may one day find yourself in a situation where you need to use a gun. And when that day comes, you don’t want to look like a silly little nerd who’s holding up that weapon for the very first time.

look cool holding gunAs we all know, looking cool while holding a gun is the most important part of weapon ownership. So forget gun safety. Forget shooting accuracy. Heck, you can even forget the bullets. Because if you look cool enough carrying that gun, you’ll never even have to worry about pulling that little thingy that makes the gun go bang (people will be too busy thinking, “Wow, that guy holding the gun looks SO flipping awesome,” to fight back).

If you want to hold a gun and look cool while doing it, here’s what you need to do:

1. Hold the Gun With One Hand

Only cops and snipers hold their guns with two hands (i.e. squares). And sure, that two-handed stance may improve your accuracy, but what would you rather do: miss your mark or look like a dork?

From John Wayne to street thugs – cool people always hold their guns with one hand. Why? Because when you’re relaxed and laid-back while carrying a deadly weapon, it looks super cool! Other ways to make holding a gun seem like “no big deal” include standing in a slouched position, acting bored by yawning a lot, and repeatedly saying “this is no big deal” to everyone around you.

2. Spin the Gun Around Your Finger

Have you ever seen those Wild West movies where the cowboys spin their guns in and out of their holsters? If you have, then you probably found yourself thinking, “Wow, those guys are the coolest.” And you know what? You were right. Those guys were the coolest.

As with most things in life, you should model your actions and life choices after the movies as much as possible. Spin that gun around your finger (continually if possible), and you’ll be the coolest gunslinger in the suburbs.

3. Wear a Blindfold

Wearing a blindfold while carrying a gun sends a powerful message to the rest of the world. And that message is: “I’m blind. But I’m still packing heat and could probably shoot you dead anyways.” This is good for two reasons. A) Gunmen who can shoot things based purely on sound and “6th sense” are super cool. B) Blind people are some of the coolest people in the world (because they wear shades all the time, day or night).

Add it all up, and you’re double cool for being blind while carrying a gun. Yes, even if it means you’re bumping into people around you or tripping over a display case of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

4. Eat a Sandwich

If you followed Step 1, then that means you’ve got an extra hand just hanging out doing nothing. Smart gunslingers know that that hand isn’t just deadweight – it’s an opportunity to do something else super cool. Something like eating a sandwich (which shows you can multi-task – an ability that is mega cool). If you aren’t hungry or just plain don’t like sandwiches, you might also use that hand to twirl a baton, direct street traffic or conduct an orchestra (note: this requires an orchestra).

Regardless of what you choose to do with that extra hand, the sum result of two hands doing two incredibly cool things results in  a cool factor that nears infinity.

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Dear Boss, I’ve Been Farting on Your Desk Chair for the Past 6 Months

Dear Boss,

I just want you to know that I have been farting on your desk chair for the past 6 months. That’s right, for the past 6 months, I have been coming into work early everyday, sneaking into your office, and farting on your chair.

And now that you know that, I just have one question to ask you, sir: How does it feel? How does it feel to know that for the past 6 months, you have been sitting in someone else’s farts for a full 8 hours out of every workday?

office chair fartsEvery business meeting. Farts. Every conference call. Farts! Every click of the computer mouse. FARTS!!

Does it feel awful? Good. I’m glad. That is the whole reason I was farting in your chair in the first place. Because I wanted to make you feel the way I felt when you gave me that “verbal warning” in front of all the other employees for coming into work drunk and wearing that women’s dress I got from the thrift store. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before embarrassing me like that.

Please know that when I say I farted in your chair “everyday,” I mean EVERY day – even weekends. That’s right, I made a special trip up to the office on Saturdays and Sundays just to fart on your big, comfy executive office chair.

Also, please know that it was not only the seat cushion that I farted on. No, sir. I farted on the armrests. I farted on the lumbar support. I even farted on the height adjustment knob.

So yeah, I think it’s pretty safe to say that just about every part of your body has touched my farts at some point during the last six months. Deal with it. Because, while you may be the boss of all 14 employees in the accounting department, when it comes to sitting in non-farted-on work chairs, I have the upper hand.

Now, sir. I’m not an unreasonable man. I did not fart on your chair out of sheer malice. No, my motivation was pure retribution. You know, an eye for an eye? And I think you will agree with me when I say that one verbal reprimand in front of everyone in the office (even Stacy) is equal to 6 months worth of chair farts.

As such, I want you to know that you no longer have to worry about me farting on your office chair. That’s right, soon my farts will fade from deep within the cushion of your desk chair, and you can go back to living a normal, healthy life. No longer will my farts seep into your clothes, hair and sweat glands on a daily basis.

That is, unless of course you decide to double-cross me again. So, unless you want to spend your days in fear – wondering whether or not the chair you’re sitting in is harvesting my farts – I suggest you keep your concerns of “proper business attire” to yourself. When you walk over to my cubicle today, you will see me in a beautiful secondhand ball gown I just picked up from a garage sale.

And that’s the way it’s going to be. Because, unfortunately for you, I have an endless supply of farts at the ready in the event you try to discipline me in any way.

Sorry sir, but you brought this upon yourself.

Regards,

Pleated Jeans

P.S. Can’t wait for the company picnic this week! Let’s toss the Frisbee, okay?

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How To Pick Up A Hitchhiker

If you’re interested in picking up hitchhikers, then you’re probably one of two kinds of people:

1. A lonely road traveler looking to swap some good stories with a stranger

2. A murderer looking for an easy kill

the-hitchhikerIf your motivation is the latter, well then you can just take your sadistic tendencies to another website. Because Pleated Jeans is not a website that promotes violence or murder.

If, on the other hand, you’ve seen movies like Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Easy Rider or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and thought to yourself, “Wow, hitchhikers sure do look like a fun bunch of people,” then read on to learn how to pick up a hitchhiker and have fun while you’re doing it:

Step 1: Use a Motor Vehicle

In my experience, hitchhikers prefer to be picked up in a motor vehicle. If you’re just walking down the road, chances are the hitchhiker is going to decline when you suggest he hops on your back (yes, even if you’ve strapped a lawn chair to your shoulders).

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “but a car moves so much faster than my feet! That means I’ll have LESS time to chat it up with my new hitchhiker friend.” This is true, but for the safety and comfort of all parties involved, do yourself a favor and just use a car.

Step 2: Don’t Hit The Hitchhiker With Your Car

When you see the hitchhiker, chances are you’re going to get super excited. After all, just think about all the COOL and AMAZING stories he’s about to tell you! But as much as you’ll want to instantly slam on the brakes and pull off to the side of the road, I wouldn’t advise it.

Why? Because if you haven’t passed the hitchhiker yet, then you’re probably going to run right over him with your car! And if you do that, then the hitchhiker will probably be dead (or at least unconscious) – a fact that dramatically hinders his ability to tell you cool stories. Oh sure, you could toss the corpse into your car anyway, and then use a string to open and close his mouth while you use a funny pirate voice to tell weird hitchhiking stories. But those stories wouldn’t be real, and in my experience, that fact kind of ruins the whole experience.

Step 3: Make Sure the Hitchhiker is a Hitchhiker

Not everyone hanging out on the side of the road is a hitchhiker. Construction workers, fruit vendors, people waiting for the bus – these are not hitchhikers. Also, street signs and discarded plastic bags are not hitchhikers. And trust me, no matter how many times you offer to give them a ride, they will either get mad and tell you “no,” or just make a rude “crinkling” noise before blowing away in the wind.

As such, you should know how to spot a hitchhiker. He will either have his thumb out or carry a sign with a destination on it to let you know he is a hitchhiker. Also, if you see a grizzled guy with a hook for a hand that is carrying a machete, it’s probably pretty safe to say that he’ll get in your car if you give him the chance.

Step 4:  Make the Hitchhiker Comfortable

Once the hitchhiker is in the car, you want to make him comfortable so he’ll open up and tell you some cool stories. This is why I always keep an inflatable neck pillow and pitcher of ice-cold lemonade in my car. Hitchhikers love that stuff. Also, pornography.

Once you sense the hitchhiker is relaxed, go ahead and break the ice to get him talking. Good conversation starters include:

“How’d you get that scar?”

“What’s with the rusty shovel?”

“Need help getting those handcuffs off?”

and “Remember Reuben Studdard? Whatever happened to that guy?”

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