How To Become A God

Are you sick and tired of a power level that is not “all-seeing” and “omnipotent?” Have you been sitting around your apartment wondering why throngs of worshippers aren’t groveling at your feet? Are there people in your life that need a good smiting?

If you are human, then the answer to these and other questions is undoubtedly a resounding and enthusiastic, “Yes!”

Well, my friend, you can either sit back and pout about the lousy, flawed human form that fate so nastily bestowed upon you, or you can get up out of your La-Z-Boy and do something about it.

If you really want an entire world of intelligent life forms creating golden images of you and doing your every bidding, then you’ve got to buckle down and become a god. Here are some foolproof paths to get you there:

Die for the Sins of Others

When Jesus died for the sins of mankind, he ascended into heaven and immediately took the seat at the right hand of the Father (note: this seat was super comfortable – probably a padded chaise lounge with killer lumbar support or something). And now, millions of believers validate Jesus’ transition from man to God by uttering the phrase “Jesus is Lord.”

You too can take a seat right next to God by selflessly dying for the sins others. Sure, it may hurt when one of those people you’re dying for is nailing your hands and feet to a cross, but it’ll be all worth it just to have millions of people capitalizing pronouns (He, Her, Him, etc.) every time they reference you in the written word. Also, Jesus totally shreds on the guitar – so you’ll also have that to look forward to.

Become the Creator of Life

Don’t want to be just the Son of God? Skip right to the top of the heap simply by creating an intricate universe of complex life forms. Sound hard? Well, you’re wrong. All it takes is the ability to combine a complex series of infallible mathematical formulas and complex laws of physics in such a way that it creates perfect balance and harmony.

Once you’ve found a good spot outside of the universe to apply these laws, simply mix a bunch of things in a big pot (ammonia, carbon, Kraft French Vanilla Cool Whip, etc.) and BINGO! You’ve got yourself a universe all for yourself. Tip: when manufacturing life, be sure to create INTELLIGENT life forms. Otherwise, your world will be filled with animals too stupid to understand that they have YOU to thank for their existence.

Run a Bunch of Errands for Eurystheus

Upon completing 12 errands (sometimes called trials) for Eurytheus, Hercules became a great hero and was deemed worthy of becoming a god by Zeus and the other Greek gods. Now, it should be noted that these errands might be pretty difficult. For Hercules, they included slaying the 9-headed Hydra, capturing the 3-headed dog of the underworld, Cerberus, and doing other stuff to things that had more heads than inherently necessary.

However, seeing as how Hercules has already achieved all these incredibly dangerous feats for Eurystheus, it is possible that your 12 errands may be substantially less difficult. Catch him on the right day, and maybe you can sneak into Mount Olympus simply by washing his dishes or folding some togas.

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Festive Centerpiece Prematurely Removed From Table To Make Room For Pillsbury Crescent Rolls

In a move that severely disheartened dinner host Kate Krieger at this year’s annual Thanksgiving dinner, the decorative autumn centerpiece she had placed in the middle of the table was unceremoniously removed prior to the meal in order to make room for a wooden basket of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls.

The move was reluctantly made by Ms. Krieger after numerous attempts to rearrange the other food items on the table proved unsuccessful in yielding adequate table space for the all-important crescent rolls.

Upon hearing the decision, family members reacted by feigning disappointment and paying lip service to Ms. Krieger’s repeated statements of, “Oh well,” and “That’s too bad.”

Despite this half-hearted support, family members managed to maintain their seamless passage of food items from one person to the next throughout the entire ordeal.

Sources close to the dinner host report that the centerpiece – which consisted of a cornucopia lovingly filled with an arrangement of pinecones, leaves and fall plastic fruit – was handmade by Ms. Krieger herself. Ms. Krieger would later confirm that the centerpiece took “the whole morning” to complete.

Though not ideal, dinner guests unanimously agreed that having the crescent rolls within easy reach took precedence over the trivial boost in holiday ambiance that the centerpiece provided. As Cousin Gary explains, “Is it a shame? I guess. But I’m not getting up from my seat to walk into the kitchen every time I want to eat another crescent roll.”

Suggestions by Ms. Krieger to load two or three crescent rolls onto each guest’s plate at the beginning of the meal were immediately dismissed as an uneconomical usage of plate real estate.

Witnesses to the event noted that Ms. Krieger was clearly mildly upset by the dismissal of the centerpiece for a good three to four seconds. However, after making a slight frown and glancing longingly a couple times at the fireplace mantle – where the centerpiece had been exiled to – Ms. Krieger turned her attention to the heaping pile of candied yams on her plate and reportedly, “forgot all about it.”

Despite reassurances that the centerpiece would be returned to its rightful place on the table for the dessert portion of the meal, the cornucopia remained forgotten on the mantle for the rest of the evening.

Upon finding the centerpiece the next morning, Ms. Krieger quietly packed the decoration away into a box and placed it in a corner of the attic. Though the homemaker voiced intentions to display the centerpiece again next year, experts agree that the box will probably gather dust for a couple of years before being rediscovered during an especially intensive bout of spring cleaning.

After the centerpiece fails to sell at a garage sale, it will undoubtedly be discarded into the trashcan and rolled out to the curb for final disposal.

Why I Am Thankful for Thanksgiving

1. Prime opportunity to discuss weather with distant relatives

2. Get fewer weird looks when wearing turkey costume to grocery store

3. Tryptophan finally receives saturated news coverage it deserves

4. The feeling of cranberry sauce between my toes

5. Excuse to write an abbreviated blog post

Great Moments in Thanksgiving Day History

1621: The first Thanksgiving takes place at Plymouth. The Indians are introduced to a number of Pilgrim “treats” being passed around the table. The item that made the biggest impression? Cholera. The deadly, murderous cholera.

1622: Petty bickering ruins Thanksgiving for the first time.

1714: Abigail Smythe requests that her family go around the table and each announce one thing that they are thankful for, officially spurring one of the holiday’s greatest pastimes: making fun of mothers and their stupid ideas.

1780: Employing his legendary ingenuity, Ben Franklin becomes the first individual to turn a traced hand into a picture of a turkey. However, the always-humble Franklin refuses to take responsibility for the discovery. As with all of his inventions, he famously explains, “Don’t thank me. Thank the peyote.”

1817: Turkey becomes the official main course for Thanksgiving. The iconic switch is made after a drought results in scarcity of the original entrée – monkey skulls.

1866: Thanksgiving becomes a national holiday. President Lincoln chooses to set the holiday on the 4th Thursday of November. The date is chosen to allow for “maximum time off from work.”

1901: After receiving a review of “pretty good” from her 6-year-old nephew, Margaret Redding becomes the first in a long line of aunts to erroneously decree her recipe for mashed potatoes as “world famous.”

1934: The first Thanksgiving Day football game is televised. To make room for the new holiday tradition, the previous traditions of “togetherness” and “family bonding” are conveniently removed.

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You Are An Evil Genius – Page 1

You Are an Evil Genius is Pleated Jean’s first full-length parody Choose Your Own Adventure novel (currently a work in progress). Whereas CYOA novels take the premise of “YOU are the hero,” Pleated Jeans prefers the alternate – and much more awesome – approach of “YOU are the villain.” The first page of this epic adventure is below:

This is you.

“Finally, it is done,” you think to yourself as you slump into your favorite hover chair and begin to massage your beautifully enlarged cranium. The last six months have left you exhausted, but even as your brain aches, you can’t help but crack a slight, malicious grin.

At long last, your secret mountain lair is complete. It took longer than expected – hours of digging, pages of complex mathematical equations, an endless pile of wallpaper samples – but it was all worth it. For the first time in your life, you finally have an evil lair befitting of your superior evil genius. Slowly, the reality of the accomplishment sets in and, upon realizing that you will never again have to rent lab space alongside the flunkies and Goths at the local community college, you happily tilt your head back and let slip a boisterous, maniacal laugh.

A moment later, you stare contently at your latest work-in-progress – the Death Orb.

“The gingham throw pillows really add some much-needed country flair to the internal chamber,” you think to yourself. As you play around with the arrangement of the pillows, trying to find a pattern that delivers “maximum pizzazz,” the doorbell rings.

The sound of the electronic chime echoes off the towering stonewalls, and freezes you dead in your tracks.

“Who could be at the door?” you think to yourself. You’d gone to great lengths to keep the location of your mountain lair a secret from everyone. Had one of the day laborers you hired to dig the tunnels survived the Matter Degenerator and returned to exact his revenge?

“Impossible,” you think to yourself. You personally watched with demented glee as the MD ripped each one of those poor men apart, and you had the video scrapbook to prove it.

The doorbell rings again and you start to panic a little. Whoever’s on the other side of that door could be trouble (with a capital “T”). If you just pretend like no one is home, maybe they’ll go away and never come back. On the other hand, whoever is out there obviously knows the location of your secret mountain lair. Perhaps it’s better to confront the issue head on.

If you decide to answer the door, turn to page 64.

If you decide to not answer the door, turn to page 12.

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Frown Town to Throw Pity Party

Local government officials for the hamlet of Frown Town plan to throw a town-wide pity party, according to a press report coming from the offices of Mayor McFuddy-Duddy. The party, which officials predict will be “poorly attended and probably not very much fun,” is intended to serve as celebration observance for the town’s 150th anniversary.

Chairman Sourpuss delivers the news.

Citizens of Frown Town immediately began weeping upon hearing the news.

As locals may know, Frown Town was founded back in December of 1859 when Reginald. P. Naysayer was kicked out of the back of a horse-drawn carriage for being, as fellow settlers described him, “a stick-in-the-mud.” Upon hitting the dusty sands of central Nevada, Naysayer immediately crossed his arms tightly over his chest, threw his front lip out into a powerful frown, and sat down angrily to set up roots in this God forsaken place we’ve all come to know and despise.

Officials claim the event is intended to be the biggest pity party ever thrown. However, numerous cynics concede that a sadder, more gloomy party probably happened somewhere “up in Canada or something.”

The Mayor’s office claims that a parade will serve as the party’s main attraction. Upon hearing this, local weather outlets from all major news stations immediately predicted rain.

Other planned events include a dance competition that will require women to wear high heels all night and probably make their feet hurt, and a fireworks display that will undoubtedly be way too loud and not at all worth sitting outside in the cold for 45 minutes.

As a commemorative gift, wet blankets will be provided to the first 500 attendants that show up at the parade grounds.

When this news publication reached out for public comment, several spoilsports eagerly stepped forward to poop on the party. Highlighted quotes from these killjoys include:

  • “Sounds expensive.”
  • “No one’s going to ask me to dance.”
  • “I have cancer.”
  • “It’ll probably conflict with my plans to stare listlessly out my living room window.”
  • And, “Ah, Hooey!”

If you really want to waste your time getting all dressed up for nothing, the festivities are scheduled to begin at 12pm on December 1st. Though it’ll probably start late, and then drag on far too long into the night. But, by all means go if you want. It’s your funeral.

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