Teenage Moon Seeks to Distance Self From Mother Earth

Look mom, I know I’ve been orbiting around you now for the past 4.25 billion years, but I’m not a loose spinning mass of hot molten rock anymore. I solidified into a full-fledged celestial body eons ago.

Which is why I would really appreciate it if you stopped treating me like a little comet and let up on your gravitational pull a bit. I’m the fifth-largest satellite in my universe for Kepler‘s sake. I can’t be seen orbiting around you at all hours anymore – especially Saturday nights! No offense mom, but I need to be hanging out with moons my own age. You know, like my friends, the Uranus twins.

No, Titania and Oberon are NOT bad influences! I already told you, they ARE NOT seasonally active. And even if they were, so what? Plenty of moon my size are seasonally active. Also, might I add that their mom lets them stay out past 250,000 miles – even on weeknights? And have they been found dead in some back alley corner of the universe yet? No!

You know, I hate to say it, but I figured out a long time ago that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. And I appreciate you holding me in your orbit for all these years, but I’m ready to go out and explore the universe on my own now.

I’m going to be my own planet soon – you just wait and see. And how am I going to go off and find my own orbital path around the sun if you don’t give me a little independence?

You’re right mom, there are a lot of dangerous things out their in the universe. I could get pummeled by an asteroid belt, scarred by a rogue comet, or worse, I could fall and slip into a black hole. But isn’t that what being a moon is all about? Learning from my mistakes?

Look, I’m not saying I don’t want to be your moon anymore. Even if I do go off and become my own planet, I’ll always keep coming back to visit. I mean, my frequency of visits will depend on the total radius of my orbit, but you can bet I’ll be by on a regular basis.

Oh, no mom, your axial tilt won’t be all thrown out of whack if I leave! You’ll be fine! You’re one of the strongest, most self-sustainable planets I know – and the only one to figure out how to harbor intelligent life, I might add. Sure, things will change a little when I’m gone – I’m sure plenty of people will miss the ocean tides – but change isn’t always a bad thing. I mean, with me gone, humans won’t have to worry about werewolf attacks anymore. That’s a good thing, right?

Yes mom, I know. Werewolves aren’t real. That was a joke. But hey, I’m growing up. And it’s only natural for planetary satellites to want to go out on their own and be their own planet. It’s a sign that you raised me right. So just do me a favor and think about it, okay?

Thank you, now let’s shake off this depressing mood we’ve created in here. Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up – how about one of our famous mother/son lunar eclipses? You know, for old times sake? Great! That’s the spirit, I’ll call the sun and tell him to come right over…


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You Know What Would Really Jazz Up This Chain Gang? Some Show Tunes

Boy, I tell you fellas, if I’d known the state was going to put me to work digging ditches all day, I never would have killed all those people. This is hard work, I’ll give them that much.

But guys, just because the warden‘s got us out here in the hot August sun, that doesn’t mean we have to walk around like a bunch of gloomy Guses!

You know what would really jazz up this chain gang? Some show tunes! Yeah, think about it – all of us singing in unison about “getting to know you” or how “June is busting out all over” or how “the hills are alive with the sound of music.”

Doesn’t that just sound like a gay old time!?

No? Really? You guys would really rather just sit here in silence and listen to the dull clunks of our shovels hitting dirt for the next 7 hours? Well fine, but I tell you, this day is going to just drag on and on.

Maybe you guys don’t realize that a show tune makes even the most unsavory of tasks go a lot faster. Back when I was murdering people all over town, I used to just dread chopping up the bodies at the end of the day – talk about a tough job! But then, I’d just start whistling a happy tune and dancing around the basement with my chainsaw, and before you knew it that dumb old body was all chopped up and sitting in shoe boxes waiting to be mailed to different people all over the country!

So what you do say? Let’s partner up and do some funky dance moves and give these guards on horseback a show they’ll NEVER forget. I’ll bet you anything they’d love to hear about how “there’s no business like show business!”

NO!? Oh come on, guys! Murderin’ Mike, you can’t honestly tell me you’d rather just stand there complaining about how much the blisters on your hands hurt. Stabbin’ Steve, sure these rocks are heavy, but they’d feel a lot lighter with a swing in our steps and a song in our hearts. Rapey Joe, stop scheming about how you’re going to break out of prison and start breaking into song!

Geez, you guys are even bigger sourpusses than the relatives of all those people I killed. You know, when I started singing “Seventy-Six Trombones” at my sentencing hearing, not even ONE of them joined in. Can you believe that? An infectious song like that?

Whoa! Hey now! There’s no need to throw punches guys! I was just trying to help make the day go faster, but if you’re hell bent on making today as boring as possible, then fine. I’ll stand here in silence and do my work. No skin off my nose.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens! Bright copper kettles and warm woolen…OW! OW! Okay, okay! Forget it.


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Fool-Proof Ways to Protect Your Stuff From Getting Stolen

I’m not usually one to brag, but when it comes to avoiding theft, I can pretty much outsmart even the craftiest of criminal masterminds. You may think that protecting your home, car or personal belongings may require an investment into expensive security systems and sophisticated anti-theft devices. But when you’re as smart as I am, your cunning is really all you need to avoid ever getting robbed again. Some of my more ingenious anti-theft tactics are detailed below:

Fake Plastic Rocks

Want to have a spare house key on hand in case you get locked out, but don’t want would-be thieves to find it? If so, then all it takes to outsmart them is a single fake plastic rock. Pick one of these sneaky key holders up at a local retailer, and you can leave your home with the confidence that your hidden key with never get found by even the most intelligent thief.

I mean, look at these things –  they look EXACTLY like a real rock! If you have a couple other rocks laying in the yard, you might consider placing this charade in with the real things. However, if you’re like me, you’ll get tired of picking up those two other real rocks first every time you leave your original house key at the office or inside the pants you tried on at Mervyn’s. That’s why I eventually just took the fake rock and inconspicuously placed it alone by my front door.

Tip: If you’re routinely kicking that fake rock away from your front door because you keep mistaking it for a real rock, write something like, “key inside” on top of it to remind yourself of how sneaky you are.

Use Your Shoes as a Safe

Want to go swimming at the beach, but don’t want your wallet and keys to get all wet? If so, then take a tip from a pro and slip all your valuables inside one of your tennis shoes.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “but wait, shoes aren’t for holding my things, they’re for holding FEET!” Well, guess what? This is exactly what a criminal thinks, too. As such, that dirty crook might look in the back pocket of your pants while you’re off playing in the ocean, but he’d never think to look inside a smelly old shoe!

On a similar note, if you just went shopping and you have a bunch of bags in your backseat, be smart and throw a blanket over it. Remember, when it comes to finding your valuables, thieves are like babies: they lack an understanding for object permanence.

Trusting Strangers

Have to use the restroom at a coffee shop, but don’t want to leave your expensive laptop all alone? If so, then do what you usually do when you’re in a bind and ask someone you’ve never met before to help you out. By asking a complete stranger to “keep an eye on it” for you, you will have safeguarded your valuable property from any unsavory characters in the shop.

Are you the only person in the coffee shop? If so, then write a note that says, “Will you watch my laptop for a minute?” and leave it on the table before heading off to the restroom. That way, if anyone comes into the shop while you’re away, they’ll know to be on the lookout for any thieves.


How To Transition Out of Your Career as a Ninja Assassin

There comes a point in any ninja assassin‘s career when the joy and adrenaline rush that comes from scaling a castle wall or sneaking up on an enemy and snapping his neck at close range just becomes another day at the office. If your recent missions have left you feeling bored or just plain unfulfilled, then it may be time for a career change. Other warning signs that might signal it is time to try a new career include:

  • Career going no where?

    Leaving early or calling in sick from missions

  • Neglecting to relish the kill
  • Getting lazy and using a gun
  • Getting stabbed or maimed due to lack of concentration

Statistics show that the average person changes careers at least three times during his or her lifetime. For those looking to transition out of a career as a ninja assassin, follow these simple steps:

Determine Potential Career Paths

Before giving up on your old life, it is important to assess your job skills and preferences to determine what type of new career you are qualified for. While everyone’s interests may be different, popular career fields for ex-ninja assassins include children’s karate instructor, door-to-door knife salesman, surprise party planner and library assistant.

Update Your Resume

Likely, the resume that got you your position as an assassin will need to be updated to cater to you new career path. As such, you may need to tweak your current resume to make yourself more marketable to a corporate environment. For instance, a bullet point that reads, “Collected the heads of 247 enemy soldiers” may need to be changed to read, “Met and exceeded my quarterly job quotas.” Similarly, ninja-centric job skills, such as the ability use a hollow reed to breath underwater, may need to be replaced with more relevant skills, such as typing speed (words per minute) and your level of proficiency in Microsoft Word.

Find a Job Before You Quit

It’s a good idea to line up a new job before leaving your current one. This can help diminish any period of unemployment. If you are a good ninja assassin, then you might consider using your superior stealth to search for a new employer during downtime at your current job. For example, if you find yourself hiding in a closet waiting for a foreign ambassador to return to his hotel suite so you can fill him full of throwing stars, then you might take that time to search the job postings of the local newspaper.

Or, if you and a horde of other ninjas are about to rappel down some ropes to ambush a small group of do-gooding heroes, then you might consider asking your colleagues for any job leads they may be aware of.

Ace the Interview

Once you have some job interviews lined up, it’s time to win over your new employer. To start, trade in that all-black ninja suit for a regular old suit and tie. Other tips that may help you during an interview include arriving 15 minute early, leaving the nunchuks at home, entering the office via the front door rather than a 3rd-story window and not murdering the interviewer.

Give Your Two Weeks Notice

Whether you’re working for a feudal prince or a Japanese street gang, it’s common courtesy to give two weeks notice before leaving your position. This is not only polite, but also allows your employer to line up another professional ninja to cover any upcoming tactical murders that may be in the works. Additionally, leaving your current job on a good note may result in a helpful recommendation to any future employers from your current prince or Yakuza boss.


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The Step-Daddy Authority Suit

Step-dads, are the children of your new wife not giving you the respect you deserve? Do your attempts at discipline fall on deaf ears? Are you sick of hearing comments about how you’re “not my real daddy?”

If so, then it’s time to show your step-kids who’s the new boss in town with the Step-Daddy Authority Suit!

Finally, a new addition to your wardrobe that gives you the same power and authority of a real biological father! By providing a look that is all at once intimidating and masculine, the Step-Daddy Authority Suit was specially designed to meet the needs of the unappreciated step-daddy.

Simply slip this miracle product over your head and you’ll instantly achieve the dominating, authoritative look that GETS RESULTS!

Increase your confidence and visual dominance! Thanks to the added height and girth provided by the triangular chest piece and giant soft-frame helmet, even the shortest of step-dads can tower over the tallest of teens. For true Giant believability, cream fabric surrounds your face before giving way to a “head” of chilling jet-black hair – resulting in a convincingly enormous cranium that children know could only belong to Colussus himself.

And what kid in his right mind would willingly choose to defy the wishes of a gargantuan, muscle-bound Colossus? No one, that’s who!

Add in the giant staff adorned with imitation human bones, and your kids will come to believe you feed off the youth (and flesh!) of little boys and girls who don’t do their homework or wash behind their ears.

Of course, under all those clothes, you’re just a loving new daddy who wants nothing more than to be hugged by your newfound treasures, but thanks to the Step-Daddy Authority Suit those new gems in your life won’t realize the fact that you’re nothing but a big pushover!

That’s right! When spankings, talking-tos and attempts to buy their love just don’t cut the mustard, it’s time to go with a disciplinary tactic that not only works, but also helps earn the love of those little ones who you’ve so graciously accepted into your household.

The Step-Daddy Authority Suit is not a costume. It is a clothing accessory that is designed to complement your everyday wardrobe. Simply slip it on over any of the monochrome spandex suits already hanging in your closet to instantly transform yourself into a powerful father figure of male masculinity!

Created from 100-percent breathable cotton, the Step-Daddy Authority Suit is comfortable enough for everyday use. Wear it inside, outside, even in the rain! Durable, stain-repellent and water-proof, the Step-Daddy Authority Suit is ready to instill discipline and fear no matter what the situation – from a quiet family meal at home to an adventurous picnic in the rain!

Finally, no more snide comments when you ask Sally how school was today! No more door slams when you tell Billy to do his homework! And no more middle fingers when you ask Jimmy if he wants to throw the baseball around with his new old man!

Become a part of the family and erase all memories of that real daddy with the Step-Daddy Authority Suit!

The Step-Daddy Authority Suit is the newest family innovation from FlimCo – the makers of the My New Daddy Kit for Single Mommies (now with more mustaches!). Flimco – fixing your family tree since 1983!


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How to Get a Dame to Go Out With You – The Bogart Method

If you’ve been to a moving picture recently, you may have noticed that the hard-boiled hero always gets the dame. Well, if you’re sitting there in your glad rags at the nickelodeon feeling lonely because you haven’t got a dame hanging off your arm, then it’s time to take a few tips from the greatest Casanova of the modern world – Humphrey Bogart. Keep these following tips in mind, and dames will be thinking you’re the cat’s pajamas in no time:

Dress for Success

Dames don’t want a fella that doesn’t know how to look dapper. If you want to be like Humphrey Bogart, then you’ll never leave home without taking three things with you – a hat, a freshly pressed shirt and a jewel-encrusted statuette of a falcon. The hat and shirt, naturally, are signals to all the Janes out there that you know how to take care of yourself (and therefore can take care of her too). The falcon, on the other hand, is a conversation starter.

Take all three of these things with you, and you’ll be well on your way to making a good first impression. Note: if you don’t have a jewel-encrusted falcon, that’s okay – any old jewel-encrusted animal will work just as well.

Lean Against a Lamp Post and Flip a Big Coin

A street corner in the swanky district of your town is the perfect place to scout for dames. As you watch all the birds and dolls passing you by, do what every fella did during Bogart’s time and lean against a lamp post while repeatedly flipping a big coin into the air (note: for best results, put one foot up against the lamp post). This flashy behavior tells the ladies that you’ve got money, and you’re not afraid to throw it around. One look at that spinning coin, and any dame you decide to talk to will instantly want to know more about the well-dressed daddy with all the dough.

Tell Her to, “Listen Here, See”

Once you spy the dame of your dreams walking past your lamp post, it’s time to spring into action. Women like a guy that knows how to take charge. So after she sees you flipping that coin, come up from behind her, grab her hard by the shoulders and swing her around. Now, her first instinct may be fear, so it’s important to keep holding onto those shoulders for the rest of the conversation so she doesn’t try to flee.

Once you’ve got her attention, get up in her face and tell her to, “Listen here, see” (dames need to hear this because they have a hard time listening). With things squared away, you’re free to start talking really, really fast about things like how “you got me into this mess” and “when you’re slapped you’ll take it and like it.” Women love hearing this kind of stuff.

Seal the Deal

After you’ve won her over with your forceful tirade, it’s time to seal the deal by saying, “I’d like to take you out. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” Hopefully, she hasn’t seen Casablanca and will think you just came up with that on the spot. Either way, she’ll find your upfront approach to be a welcome change from the bush beating she’s been getting from the eccentric guy at work.

Then, top it all off by flashing her your falcon, and you’ll be picking her up in your breezer to take her to a swanky joint in no time.


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