Monopoly Land Police Reports

2:36 AM: A Top Hat was found unconscious with multiple knife wounds in the back alley of the 3100 block of Baltic Avenue. Though medics rushed the Top Hat to St. James Place Medical Hospital, the victim was deemed “unwearable” and discarded shortly thereafter.

8:24 AM: A Thimble has been arrested and charged with last turn’s accusations of theft. Upon searching Indiana Avenue – one of the suspect’s many properties – the missing community chest cards were found stuffed underneath the edge of the board. The Thimble has been sent to jail. He did not pass Go and did not receive $200.

10:52 AM: Police reported to an apparent suicide on the premises of the B&O Railroad. Upon arrival, a Boot was found mangled and crushed on the eastbound train tracks. A note near the victim suggests the motive was bankruptcy.

1:31 PM: A property owner who failed to report a bank error in his favor was arrested between North Carolina Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue.

3:12: PM: Police were dispatched to the Water Works to investigate reports of trespassing. Upon arriving, a Wheel Barrow was discovered and escorted from the property. Since the Wheel Barrow did not own the property, it was ordered to roll a die and pay the utility owner a total of ten times the amount thrown.

6:44 PM: An Iron was stopped along Marvin Gardens on suspicion of breaking out of jail. However, a review of the Iron’s previous position on the board revealed that the Iron was actually “Just Visiting,” and was not, in fact, an inmate.

7:03 PM: Police are still searching for the apparent serial killer that has already murdered a number of wealthy property owners in the city. Anyone seeing an elderly, well-dressed man wearing a top hat and wielding a cane is urged to contact authorities immediately.

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How To Meet Women

As the old saying goes, “there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” And whether you’re trying to hook a meaningful relationship with an attractive rainbow trout or simply looking to get a little orange roughy in the sack, catching one of those little fishies all starts with knowing where to plant your pole.

For the uninformed man, looking for love in all the wrong places can be a common problem. To increase your chances of meeting a woman that you wouldn’t mind striking up a conversation with, keep these simple tips in mind:

Step one: invest in a bear trap

Go Where the Ladies Are

Let’s face it: you’re not going to meet too many women in such man-friendly zones as the local sports bar, auto garage or vasectomy doctor’s office. And while there’s no doubt men LOVE hanging out in these places, the slim pickings of attractive and available women is pretty counter-productive when it comes to finding a mate.

As such, it may be better to take yourself out of your element and set up shop where the women are. Places with high percentages of ladies that you might consider hanging out include the local shopping mall, a yoga classroom or the girl’s locker room of a nearby gym or high school.

Of the three, I’d suggest the locker room, since pretty much 100 percent of individuals in this location are of the fairer sex. If a pesky security guard blocks your access to this prime pickup spot, consider drilling a hole in the wall so you can get an inside view of the action and spy the woman of your dreams.

Try the Internet

In today’s modern world, men can finally cruise for chicks in nothing but their soiled underwear without having to worry about getting the cops called on them. With such prime dating sites as Match.com, eHarmony and ChatRoulette, it suddenly has become a lot easier to strike up long-distance conversations with a bevy of beautiful ladies. When it comes to online dating sites, the key to getting a lot of ladies interested is to fill your profile with compelling information. In my experience, the best way to do this is to lie a lot. If you’re finding that women just aren’t that interested in the real you, simply upload a photo of a male model, and BAM – you’ll be chatting up ladies left and right in no time.

Become an OB/GYN

Office romances can be a lot of fun. If you want to meet women in your place of work, then one of the best career paths you can choose is OB/GYN. Build up a flourishing private practice, and you’ll have a whole waiting room of women to choose from every working day of the week. Also, I don’t think I have to point out that all that time spent in the stirrups is prime flirting time for you and your potential future wife.

If you’re too stupid or poor to become a doctor, other good careers paths for meeting women include Victoria’s Secret salesman, nail manicurist and federal breast inspector.

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A Cult Leader’s Cover Letter and Resume

Dear Believers of the Heavenly Fence,

I would like to express my interest in the “Cult Leader” job position you currently have posted on Craigslist. I have several years of experience molding the fragile minds of the depressed and hopeless to my personal will, and believe I have all the talent, charisma and coerciveness necessary to meet and exceed your high expectations for false hope.

If you select me for the position, I can promise an eternity of happiness and salvation in the arms of the Great Lord. I look forward to brainwashing you in person so that I can further convince you of my numerous merits and achievements. My resume is attached below for your perusal. For your benefit, I have taken the added initiative of encoding a subliminal message of servitude into the document.

Regards,

Reverend Timothy L. Powell

Resume: Reverend Timothy L. Powell

Objective: Seeking a manageMent position in the “not-for-profit” sector of religious cults, sects and splinter organizations.

Highlighted Qualifications

  • Captivating persona; can manipulate even the strongest willed men and women
  • Superficially charming, while subversivelY undermining
  • Inflated senSe of importance and suPeriority assures obedience and blind faith
  • PersuAsive; once convinCed a group of 120 teen runaways that a 2-liter bottle of Shasta was the Holy Grail

RelEvant Work History

Timlothians (January 2007 to March 2010)

  • SucceSsfully brainwashed 132 lost souls through sleep deprivation and protein-deficient diets
  • Used beige smocks and tHose neck cones that dogs wear to simultaneously demoralize and anonymize followers
  • Cut off all forms of communication wIth the outside world and “rewrote” history with the Book of Tim

The Branch Graboidians (April 2000 to SePtember 2006)

  • Combined passaGes of the Bible with teachings of the 1990 movie, Tremors, to create a wholly fictitious, yet believable religion
  • During tenure, cult grew frOm one insecure housEwife to 87 devout worm worshippers
  • Skimmed money from worm farm business to build a laviSh underground compound for myself
  • Left to pursue new opportunities after convincing flock TO pole vault off Jagged cliff

The Divine Right (February 1997 to February 2000)

  • SuccEssfully supplanted the previous cult leader by personifying him as a human form of the devil (i.e. glued red horns and a tail to him while he slept)
  • Achieved martyr statuS after being imprisoned for pUblic nudity
  • Married all 44 female members and pitted them againSt each other to compete for my love

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How to be Reincarnated as a Shark

Have you ever looked into the mirror and thought to yourself, “Man, I really wish I had a couple extra rows of razor-sharp teeth.” If so, then chances are you’re looking to abandon that pasty, uber wussy body of yours and exchange it for the streamlined outer shell of a super awesome killer shark.

As the eloquent William Shakespeare* once put it, “in all this earthly realm, thine great shark of the sea is by far our Lord’s most gnarliest and badass animal.” If you’re looking to transcend your totally lame human body and be reborn as a vicious, murderous king of the sea, then keep these tips in mind to increase your chances of being reborn as a shark:

Don’t be a Christian

Being a Christian means going to heaven and being stuck in that miserable non-cartilaged body of yours for all eternity. Unless you want to spend your afterlife sitting on clouds and plucking harps with the angels (lame), then it’s time to trade up to a religion that makes reincarnation a viable option. The most common shark-friendly religions are Buddhism, Hinduism and Sikhism. Pick the one that sounds the coolest to you and go with it.

Understand the Importance of Karma

Just because you convert to a religion that believes in reincarnation, that doesn’t mean you’ll be reborn as a shark. As it turns out, your soul can be transplanted into any number of worldly creatures.

So how do you avoid being turned into a stupid, non-deadly creature like a butterfly, bunny rabbit or tit mouse? The answer, my friend, is karma. No matter which new religion you choose, your rebirth is based on how you lived your life. Do good deeds and treat others with care and it is said you will achieve a higher form of being. And I think we all can agree that the highest form of being is a giant great white killer shark.

Die With a Peaceful Mind

According to Buddhism, those who die with a peaceful mind will experience a fortunate rebirth. In contrast, those who die with malice, anger or unrest in their hearts will receive an unfortunate rebirth (dung beetle). As such, it seems you’re going to have to play Boy Scout in this current lifetime of yours and save all those murderous rampages and blood-drenched ocean tides for your next life as a shark.

Eat a Few Shark Burgers

As the old saying goes, “you are what you eat.” While eating shark meat isn’t mentioned in any of the religious texts associated with reincarnation, some Native Americans did believe that eating the flesh of an animal allows you to take on their associated characteristics. As such, eating a couple shark burgers every now and again might give your soul the necessary jumpstart to spur shark growth in the afterlife.

*It is widely believed that Shakespeare is now roaming the deep seas of the world as an awesome shark. Besides Shark-speare, other notable historical figures who are now sharks include Charles Darwin, Mahatma Ghandi and Patsy Cline.

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“Hey Gary, How About Carrying Me For a While?” – Jesus

Gary, we’ve been walking down this beach for quite some time – well, technically I’VE been walking down this beach for quite some time – and I was just wondering, well, don’t you think it’s about time you carried me for a while? I mean, it would only be fair to switch off every once in a while, right?

My back is killing me.

Don’t get me wrong, when you got fired from your job I was happy to jump in and help carry you in your time of need. But then you got that great new manager position at the plastics manufacturer, and here I am 3 months later still hauling your 220-lb. frame down the coast of North Carolina.

It’s just that I’m getting a little tired, you see. And sure I’m your Lord and Savior, but right now my calves could use a little “savioring” of their own, if you catch my drift.

I don’t know if you realize (since you haven’t done it in so long), but walking on a sandy beach isn’t exactly easy – especially when you’re barefoot and trying to balance a devout Christian on your shoulders. So maybe, if you’re not open to carrying me for a little while, we could at least get off this beach and find a sidewalk or something else a little easier to walk on?

Or – and I’m just spitballing here – maybe we could take a small detour from your life’s path and hit up a Foot Locker so I can get some arch support under these calloused, sand-burnt feet of mine? I’m telling you, a nice pair of New Balance cross-trainers just sounds like heaven right now.

Or, how about this: skip the detour and maybe you just use me as a crutch for a while? You could throw your arm around my shoulder and kind of hop along beside me. I’d still be doing most of the work, but some of the weight from your body would be relieved from my lower back (which is killing me, FYI).

Look, I don’t mean to sound accusatory – I’ve got nothing but love in my heart – but at this point I feel like you’re taking advantage of me. You promised me that once you got your life in order, you’d get down from my shoulders and just walk beside me. And not only do you have a great new job, but you’ve also got a loving new wife and your brother finally beat his testicular cancer.

Now call me crazy, but from where I’m standing (underneath you), your life seems pretty sweet right. And don’t try and give me any crap about how stressed out you are about work – you get flex-time and spend half your day cruising the Internet. There’s nothing stressful about that.

Honestly, if I had a choice between carrying you or that infernal cross, I think I’d choose the cross at this point. Because, while having a cross to bear wears heavy on the heart, at least the cross isn’t steering me towards every beachside hamburger stand in sight so it can stuff its face with double-bacon cheeseburgers (that I have to pay for, by the way).

I swear, you’ve gained 20 lbs. since I first picked you up. For Dad’s sake, a little exercise would do you good. So what do you say Gary? How about shouldering some of the stress and doing some of the legwork for yourself?

No? Well, then maybe I can interest you in converting to Buddhism? I don’t usually refer my believers to other religions, but I’m going to level with you – I think the added girth and leg strength offered by Buddha is a better fit for you and your lifestyle. I’ll give him a ringy-dingy on the old cell phone and have him come over so he can carry you for a while. Take him for a trial run and see if he works out for you.

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