Monthly Archives: March 2010

A Series of Facebook Updates Sent From the Bottomless Pit

Posted on March 31, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski


——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Posted in Images | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

Monopoly Land Police Reports

Posted on March 30, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

2:36 AM: A Top Hat was found unconscious with multiple knife wounds in the back alley of the 3100 block of Baltic Avenue. Though medics rushed the Top Hat to St. James Place Medical Hospital, the victim was deemed “unwearable” and discarded shortly thereafter.

8:24 AM: A Thimble has been arrested and charged with last turn’s accusations of theft. Upon searching Indiana Avenue – one of the suspect’s many properties – the missing community chest cards were found stuffed underneath the edge of the board. The Thimble has been sent to jail. He did not pass Go and did not receive $200.

10:52 AM: Police reported to an apparent suicide on the premises of the B&O Railroad. Upon arrival, a Boot was found mangled and crushed on the eastbound train tracks. A note near the victim suggests the motive was bankruptcy.

1:31 PM: A property owner who failed to report a bank error in his favor was arrested between North Carolina Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue.

3:12: PM: Police were dispatched to the Water Works to investigate reports of trespassing. Upon arriving, a Wheel Barrow was discovered and escorted from the property. Since the Wheel Barrow did not own the property, it was ordered to roll a die and pay the utility owner a total of ten times the amount thrown.

6:44 PM: An Iron was stopped along Marvin Gardens on suspicion of breaking out of jail. However, a review of the Iron’s previous position on the board revealed that the Iron was actually “Just Visiting,” and was not, in fact, an inmate.

7:03 PM: Police are still searching for the apparent serial killer that has already murdered a number of wealthy property owners in the city. Anyone seeing an elderly, well-dressed man wearing a top hat and wielding a cane is urged to contact authorities immediately.

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How To Meet Women

Posted on March 29, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

As the old saying goes, “there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” And whether you’re trying to hook a meaningful relationship with an attractive rainbow trout or simply looking to get a little orange roughy in the sack, catching one of those little fishies all starts with knowing where to plant your pole.

For the uninformed man, looking for love in all the wrong places can be a common problem. To increase your chances of meeting a woman that you wouldn’t mind striking up a conversation with, keep these simple tips in mind:

Step one: invest in a bear trap

Go Where the Ladies Are

Let’s face it: you’re not going to meet too many women in such man-friendly zones as the local sports bar, auto garage or vasectomy doctor’s office. And while there’s no doubt men LOVE hanging out in these places, the slim pickings of attractive and available women is pretty counter-productive when it comes to finding a mate.

As such, it may be better to take yourself out of your element and set up shop where the women are. Places with high percentages of ladies that you might consider hanging out include the local shopping mall, a yoga classroom or the girl’s locker room of a nearby gym or high school.

Of the three, I’d suggest the locker room, since pretty much 100 percent of individuals in this location are of the fairer sex. If a pesky security guard blocks your access to this prime pickup spot, consider drilling a hole in the wall so you can get an inside view of the action and spy the woman of your dreams.

Try the Internet

In today’s modern world, men can finally cruise for chicks in nothing but their soiled underwear without having to worry about getting the cops called on them. With such prime dating sites as Match.com, eHarmony and ChatRoulette, it suddenly has become a lot easier to strike up long-distance conversations with a bevy of beautiful ladies. When it comes to online dating sites, the key to getting a lot of ladies interested is to fill your profile with compelling information. In my experience, the best way to do this is to lie a lot. If you’re finding that women just aren’t that interested in the real you, simply upload a photo of a male model, and BAM – you’ll be chatting up ladies left and right in no time.

Become an OB/GYN

Office romances can be a lot of fun. If you want to meet women in your place of work, then one of the best career paths you can choose is OB/GYN. Build up a flourishing private practice, and you’ll have a whole waiting room of women to choose from every working day of the week. Also, I don’t think I have to point out that all that time spent in the stirrups is prime flirting time for you and your potential future wife.

If you’re too stupid or poor to become a doctor, other good careers paths for meeting women include Victoria’s Secret salesman, nail manicurist and federal breast inspector.

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Posted in How-To Guides | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Guess I’m Not That Into S&M After All

Posted on March 26, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

Well this is embarrassing. I’m not even two minutes into my first BDSM experience, and here I am already screaming the safe word (apricot) at the top of my lungs. I tell you, I really thought it would be a good 30 to 40 minutes before we got to this point, but then you tightened those leather restraints around my wrists and, boy, did that smart.

Yep, that’s the end of it for me right there. My pain threshold has been maxed out. I can only guess how much more the whip or candle wax would have hurt. Which is a shame, because I really thought this S&M stuff was for me. I mean, the whole thing just looked so appealing in the magazines and online websites.

But then, I guess this wouldn’t be the first time I got all jazzed up about a hobby only to find out I’d been taken in by the advertising. In retrospect, this is really just the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer all over again.

Anyway, I’m really sorry dominatrix lady. I know it took you forever to drive across town to the hotel. And I’m sure it wasn’t easy lacing yourself up into that leather corset you’ve got on there, but I’m afraid you’re not going to get to pinch any nipples or step on any scrotums today. I’m sure you were looking forward to it, but of course I’ll still pay you for the full hour.

Speaking of money, do you think I can return this gimp suit? I got it from Harold’s Slaves and Submissives down on 3rd. Given your profession I’m sure you’ve been there – any clue how strict they are on returns? I mean, there aren’t any bodily fluids on it yet, so I’ve at least got a good shot at store credit, don’t you think?

But then again, what would I do with $300 worth of store credit at the kinkiest sex shop in town? Maybe I could load up on edible underwear or something, I don’t know.

But probably not. More than likely, this suit is going to end up collecting dust in the back of my closet along with the Ron Popeil Rotisserie Oven and Carmen Electra Stripper Aerobics DVDs.

Boy, I tell you, my wife is going to have a field day with this. “Don’t go ordering a dominatrix,” she says. “Try slapping yourself in the face first and see if you like it.”

But did I listen? Heck no. As usual I just got an idea in my head and went completely overboard. I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t even wear a t-shirt if the darn thing is too scratchy. Abrasive fabric makes me break out in a rash.

Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

Well anyway, here’s your money. Do yourself a favor and think twice before spending it on something frivolous. Which reminds me, if you or any of your friends are interested in investing in an alpaca farm, I’ve got one I’m looking to unload. You’ve got my number, so give me a call if you’re interested.

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

A Cult Leader’s Cover Letter and Resume

Posted on March 25, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

Dear Believers of the Heavenly Fence,

I would like to express my interest in the “Cult Leader” job position you currently have posted on Craigslist. I have several years of experience molding the fragile minds of the depressed and hopeless to my personal will, and believe I have all the talent, charisma and coerciveness necessary to meet and exceed your high expectations for false hope.

If you select me for the position, I can promise an eternity of happiness and salvation in the arms of the Great Lord. I look forward to brainwashing you in person so that I can further convince you of my numerous merits and achievements. My resume is attached below for your perusal. For your benefit, I have taken the added initiative of encoding a subliminal message of servitude into the document.

Regards,

Reverend Timothy L. Powell

–

Resume: Reverend Timothy L. Powell

Objective: Seeking a manageMent position in the “not-for-profit” sector of religious cults, sects and splinter organizations.

Highlighted Qualifications

  • Captivating persona; can manipulate even the strongest willed men and women
  • Superficially charming, while subversivelY undermining
  • Inflated senSe of importance and suPeriority assures obedience and blind faith
  • PersuAsive; once convinCed a group of 120 teen runaways that a 2-liter bottle of Shasta was the Holy Grail

RelEvant Work History

Timlothians (January 2007 to March 2010)

  • SucceSsfully brainwashed 132 lost souls through sleep deprivation and protein-deficient diets
  • Used beige smocks and tHose neck cones that dogs wear to simultaneously demoralize and anonymize followers
  • Cut off all forms of communication wIth the outside world and “rewrote” history with the Book of Tim

The Branch Graboidians (April 2000 to SePtember 2006)

  • Combined passaGes of the Bible with teachings of the 1990 movie, Tremors, to create a wholly fictitious, yet believable religion
  • During tenure, cult grew frOm one insecure housEwife to 87 devout worm worshippers
  • Skimmed money from worm farm business to build a laviSh underground compound for myself
  • Left to pursue new opportunities after convincing flock TO pole vault off Jagged cliff

The Divine Right (February 1997 to February 2000)

  • SuccEssfully supplanted the previous cult leader by personifying him as a human form of the devil (i.e. glued red horns and a tail to him while he slept)
  • Achieved martyr statuS after being imprisoned for pUblic nudity
  • Married all 44 female members and pitted them againSt each other to compete for my love

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment