Poseidon Answers Your Questions

We all worship Poseidon and pray to him daily for such things as the safe passage of our ships, bountiful nets of fish and “hot mermaid action.” However, few of us mortals know much about the personal life of this cherished god of the sea. In an attempt to be more accessible to the world’s population, Poseidon has agreed to answer some of your questions. His answers are below:

Hey Poseidon, there sure have been a lot of earthquakes lately. Why are you so mad all the time? – Euripides

That’s a fair question. In the words of my psychiatrist, I have “rage issues.” I’m working on it, so please shark with me. In the meantime, I’d advise you not to curse my name or deface one of my statues unless you want your home to be swallowed by a sea serpent.

I’d like to thank you for sparing my city from the wrath of last month’s hurricane. What gift can I send to show my gratitude? – Apollonia

Please, no more tridents. A guy is randomly given a trident for his birthday one year, and all of sudden everyone thinks he’s a fan of tridents. Really, I’ve got more tridents than I could ever need – so thanks, but no thanks.

Beyond three-pronged paperweights, I’m not really that picky. Sacrifice a few horses in my honor and I’ll be appeased.

So, do you have gills or what? – Theodora

No, I’m actually just really, really good at holding my breath.

Kidding – no, you’re right. I have gills. They’re on the bottom of my feet.

Do you see your brothers often? – Corinna

Unfortunately, being brothers with Zeus is like swimming up a one-way current. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to Mt. Olympus to visit him. But does he ever come down to the depths to visit me? No, he doesn’t. I mean, sure he’s busy ruling the world and all, but you’d think he could make a little time for his own brother.

Me and Hades get together every Sunday to eat ambrosia and play Jenga.

Anything you don’t like about living at the bottom of the sea? – Herodes

The prune-y hands.

My girlfriend just moved to Corinth to be closer to her grandmother. My friend, Phaedrus, says long-distance relationships never work. What’s your take? – Kallistos

I am no goddess of love, but I’m inclined to agree with your friend. I once had to move to the Pacific for 6 months on business. The time proved disastrous for my romantic relationship (as well as the majority of the coastal cities in the New World).

Any grooming tips for a fellow beard enthusiast? – Simonides

Goby fish are great for cleaning out the crumbs.

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Piggyback Rides Replace Cigarettes as New Prison Currency

Piggyback rides have replaced cigarettes as the preferred type of currency in the San Quentin Correctional Facility in Marin County, California, according to prison officials.

The move comes largely due to decreased demand for cigarettes within the borders of the prison walls. Just as the larger society is trending towards healthier lifestyle choices, so too are our nation’s most dangerous inmates. This desire to improve personal habits has dramatically reduced the amount of cigarette smokers at San Quentin.

Struggling to find a new product that is more in demand than tobacco, inmates quickly settled on piggyback rides. The idea – which was proposed by three-time murderer and current inmate Rocko Colton – was initially met with resistance by the majority of the prisoners at the maximum-security facility.

One free piggyback ride around the yard was all it took to change their minds, however.

In response to this inaugural piggyback ride, inmate Walter Smalls best summed up the majority viewpoint of the entire criminal population when he said, “Weeeeeeeeeeee!”

According to prison officials, piggyback rides have proven a remarkably good alternative to cigarettes. As one correctional officer puts it, “they’re readily available, enjoyable and addictive – everything a cigarette is without the death.” And, as Mr. Colton adds, “Just plain mother fucking fun.”

The success of the change has brought about numerous other “health-conscious” prison changes. For example, whereas inmates once handed out stabbings and other forms of violence to show their disapproval for enemy behavior, the new technique is to simply hand out pieces of paper with big frowny faces drawn on them.

According to inmates, the new tactic eliminates unhealthy blood loss while still “getting the point across.”

Additionally, instead of doing illicit drugs, inmates have gotten hooked on tickle fights – which are obviously just as intoxicating without any of the nasty side effects.

Based on anonymous sources, the average tickle fight has a current street value of three-minutes of piggyback rides. For the really good shit, however, the “pony” needs to throw in some extra neighing and trotting sounds.

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How to be a Bully

Are you tired of looking around your school and seeing a bunch of puny nerds running the show? Do you need a way to relieve all that pent-up rage that keeps building up inside you? Ever feel like those hands of yours were born to give Indian rug burns?

If you answered, “Yes” to any of these questions, then chances are you’re interested in becoming a bully. There are many advantages to being a bully, some of which include:

  • Finally getting the respect you deserve
  • Stress relief
  • Receiving negative attention from parents and teachers
  • Less homework
  • Extra lunch money
  • The ability to administer purple nurples

To enjoy these and other perks of bullying, simply follow these easy steps:

Have Crappy Parents

If you’re lucky, your parents are divorced drunks that are too busy going out at night and sleeping over at “Uncle” Steve‘s house to give you the proper discipline and attention you deserve. Thanks to the lack of structure and positive reinforcement provided by these dream parents, such an environment is ideal for nurturing the feelings of anger and abandonment that breed the best bullies.

Sadly, if you live in a loving home with good role models, then you’ve got your work cut out for you. However, you can improve your chances of being an effective bully by finding other ways to learn poor anger management skills. These ways include:

Be Intimidating

Bullies can’t do their jobs correctly if they don’t have the ability to intimidate their targets. Good ways of instilling fear in puny twerps include:

  • Being big for your age
  • Wearing sleeveless shirts that show off your “guns”
  • Punching walls and other things for no reason
  • Following through with threats of violence

Have a Passion for Beating Nerds

Being a bully isn’t easy. Rather, it is a tireless and thankless job that results in lost friendships and loneliness. As such, the best bullies do it because they are truly passionate about torturing dorks and dweebs. If your heart just isn’t the beatings, then chances are you won’t last as a bully for long.

To keep yourself motivated and interested in your work, be sure to find new and creative ways to pick on your fellow schoolmates. Consider networking with other bullies to learn innovative new ways to exert your dominance. Investing in props such as water balloons, slingshots and fart machines can also do much to keep you interested in your hobby.

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The Movie Monster Maid Service

Life is too short to spend it cleaning dishes and mopping floors! Save yourself from the weekly “horrors” of chores and hire the Movie Monster Maid Service. Our trained staff of vampires, werewolves, mummies, swamp monsters and zombies is here to terrorize all that dirt and grime out of your lives once and for all!

The Movie Monster Maid Service was created over a decade ago by a group of monsters that was fed up with living on the outskirts of society. Sick of living in musty caves, abandoned castles and cobwebbed tombs, these entrepreneurial enemies of the world decided to clean up their image and go into business helping humans instead of murdering them.

Our team of maids is so good it’s scary! Upon entering your home, your monsters will immediately go to work with their feather dusters, mops and sponges to exterminate your soap scum and bite the heads off your dust bunnies. Each team member has a specialized job to ensure maximum efficiency and effectiveness:

Dracula: “Bleh! I want to suck your floors (with my vacuum)”

Mummy: “I’m a walking feather duster!”

Werewolf: “Me make windows sparkle like full moon”

Swamp Monster: “Tub scrub and pool cleaning.”

Zombie: “Draaaains! I clean your draaaaains!”

So what are you waiting for? Drive a wooden stake right through heart of your dirty drapes! Shoot a silver bullet into that cruddy commode! Rip out the brain and spinal cord of your moldy bathroom tile!

Pick up the phone and call the Movie Monster Maid Service today! We’ll get your home so spotless, that you’ll be howling at the moon with happiness!

Don’t forget, many of our monsters have supernatural powers – so we can clean where other maid services won’t dare to go! Werewolf’s super strength lifts furniture to attack those hidden dust balls.  Mummy puts a curse on mildew to kill it dead once and for all. Dracula transforms into a bat to reach smudges on high ceilings!

Stop being afraid of your dirty house and start taking action! Let our team of monsters “kidnap” your dirt and carry it kicking and screaming back to our “lair” (offices in the strip mall at Dover and Franklin) for total annihilation. Pick up the phone and call now!

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How to be a "Grizzled Old Coot"

One of the biggest perks of growing old is the ability to become a “grizzled old coot.” We’ve all seen curmudgeonly old men with their sourpuss frowns and “ah, hooey” attitudes and dreamt about a life untethered by social etiquettes and cordiality. If you’re interested in being a gruff old man with a tough outer shell and few friends, then keep these tips in mind to help yourself become a grizzled old coot:

Be Old

Unfortunately, there’s no fast track to becoming a coot. Simply put, if you don’t have the wrinkles and gray hair to back up your piss-poor attitude, then all you are is a regular, run-of-the-mill spoilsport (or possibly, a stick-in-the-mud). As such, you might as well wait until you get that AARP card in the mail before you attempt to be either grizzled or a coot.

Experience Hardship

While you’re waiting around to get old, you may as well prime the pump for crankiness by experiencing your fair share of hardship. Everyone knows the best grizzled old coots have a deep-seeded reason for being so cranky and down on life. For the old man in Pixar’s Up, this hardship was the death of his lifelong love and soul mate. As such, putting your one true love in harm’s way or clogging her arteries with fatty foods is a great way to ensure she goes long before you do.

Other ways to ensure a thick, callous outer shell once you hit old age include enlisting in a war, swallowing your feelings and having a gay son.

Complain About Kids These Days

Once you’re old enough to be considered a coot, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is and start complaining about kids these days. Luckily, there is no shortage of options out there when it comes to not understanding the youth of today. From their baggy pants and damned video games to those crude “Family Man” cartoons and that online “SpaceBook” thingy – there’s plenty of fodder for expressing your contempt for the youth of today.

Keep Baseballs and Frisbees That Fall in Your Yard

Once you’re old, neighborhood kids will constantly be losing baseballs, Frisbees and other toys in your yard. Since you’ll be old and alone, the occasional knock on your door from some punk wanting his ball back may be one of your few chances at human interaction. As such, don’t mess it up by being nice to him. If you want your reputation as a grizzled old coot to grow and spread, you’ll teach that kid a lesson about responsibility by not giving him back his stupid toy (and thus, the cycle of “grizzled old coots” can be passed on to the next generation).

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