Dos and Don’ts for a Centaur’s Birthday Party

centaur-500pxWhether created by science or natural birth, all centaurs have a birthday. If that special centaur in your life is turning a year older in the near future, then it’s possible you’ve been put in charge of planning the birthday celebration. To ensure the party ‘trots’ along with maximum frivolity, here are some dos and don’ts for a centaur’s birthday:

Do have the party at a fun location.

Don’t have the party inside.

Unless you want a bunch of hoof scuffs and dirt on your floors (also, horse dung), I’d suggest having the birthday party outside. A picnic theme in a dewy meadow might be a good option. Other good locations for a centaur birthday party include an enchanted forest, archery range, sandy beach or Six Flags amusement park.

Do get the centaur a gift.

Don’t get the centaur a pair of pants.

Look, I get it. You love your centaur friend, but you really wish he or she would have the decency to throw on a pair of pants whenever you’re invited over to the stable. Well, too bad. Unlike humans, centaurs just don’t enjoy wearing clothing for some reason. So don’t even try giving the centaur a pair of pants, because it just isn’t going to happen (yes, even if the pants are a nice, custom-made pair of plaid slacks with four leg holes).

Additionally, skip the shoes and shirts. If you’re really dead-set on giving your centaur clothing, try a scarf. It’s pretty much the only thing they’re willing to wear. Other suggested gifts include Mane and Tail shampoo, a coupon good for one free brushing, and a tapered broom handle for digging out the dirt clots in their hooves.

Do play birthday games.

Don’t play pin the tail on the donkey.

Put up a game of pin the tail on the donkey, and your centaur friend is likely to call you a “racist.” While this is simply not true (technically, you’re a specist), you don’t want you’re birthday game to lead to a full on temper tantrum. Yes, I know, a donkey is a completely different animal then a horse or centaur. Trust me, you’re preaching to the choir. But don’t try explaining this to a centaur. It just doesn’t work.

You wouldn’t want to play pin the tail on the donkey with a centaur around anyway. For one, have you ever tried spinning a centaur in a circle to make it dizzy? For two, at some point, the centaur WILL get pinned by a confused party member. And then you’ve got a spooked centaur on your hands, and he’s libel to tear off running into an open field or something.

Centaur-friendly birthday games include Hot Potato, Mr. Potato Head, Pass the Potato –  actually, pretty much any potato-related game should be a solid choice (centaurs really like potatoes for some reason).

Do invite a lot of people.

Don’t invite a lot of centaurs.

Big parties are a great idea for centaurs (due to their freakish appearance, they are incredibly insecure about whether or not people like them). However, the number of centaurs invited to a party should be kept below a certain number (that number is 5). Why? For one, it’s a centaur’s natural inclination to stick to his own kind. Invite too many, and your party will quickly turn into a middle school box social – humans on one side, centaurs on the other.

For two, get a whole herd of centaurs together, and any loud noise – popped balloon, cracked whip, yelling “surprise!”– is libel to set off a stampede. Simply put, the fewer centaurs, the less of a chance that one of your guests will get trampled (and a trampled guest really tends to put a damper on things).

Well, that’s about it. Other than these key topics, a centaur’s birthday party is pretty much the same as a normal birthday. Buy some cake (may I suggest carrot cake?), some funny hats and a pinata or two (no donkeys!), and you’ve got yourself a recipe for success.


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How To Eat An Entire Birthday Cake

If you’re interested in knowing how to eat an entire birthday cake, then chances are that you’re trying to accomplish one of two things:

1. Keep other people from eating YOUR birthday cake

2. Impress a girl

eating entire birthday cakeRegardless of motivation, eating an entire birthday cake is a feat of Zeus-like proportions. So much so, that surely the rest of the partygoers will immediately shower you with love, affection and a barrage of high fives upon consuming every last morsel of that sweet, sweet cake.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my many, many (many) attempts to eat an entire birthday cake, it is this: if you tell people you’re going to eat an entire birthday cake, you gosh darn better deliver. Because nothing’s worse then seeing someone pass out in a sugar-induced coma with 10 percent of that cake still sitting on the table (talk about a buzzkill).

To ensure maximum glory and a story that people will be talking about for at least a couple of days, here are some tips to help you pack away that entire birthday cake:

Do Your Homework

If possible, ask the party planner for details about the cake before the big day arrives. This will allow you to train with “sample” cakes on your own time in the weeks leading up to show time. To mimic the exact variables that will be present at the party, ask questions such as:

  • What is the cake/icing combo?
  • How big is the cake?
  • How much icing? (Single layer? Double layer?)
  • Will the cake be refrigerated (and therefore cold)?
  • Will the cake be decorated with dinosaurs? (may be important if you are afraid of dinosaurs)

Skip the Ice Cream

If the party planner knows anything about throwing a good party, then ice cream will be offered alongside the birthday cake. While tempting, that ice cream is nothing but filler when it comes to those pursuing the sheer glory that comes with eating an entire birthday cake. Sure, you might think that the ice cream will make the cake more enjoyable, and therefore easier to eat. But this is a foolhardy theory that has taken down many a cake eater. Simply put, the less ice cream you eat, the more room for cake!

Don’t Cut The Cake

If you can swing it, request that the party planner NOT cut the cake into individual pieces. Why? It’s a simple mind trick. Think about it: would you rather eat “24 PIECES OF CAKE,” or just “ONE CAKE?” It may ultimately be the same amount of food, but one cake sure sounds like a lot less than 24, doesn’t it?

Use Your Hands

When people eat a lot of food, they use their hands. This is because forks slow you down, and those wasted seconds just give your body more time to realize that it’s full. Also, eating with your hands is just a more magical and memorable way to eat a cake (remember, showmanship counts).

Spiral Into a Sea of Internal Anguish and Self-Loathing

It’s a simple fact: when you hate yourself, you eat more. This is because depressed people seek comfort in foods that taste good (foods like cake). Scientists call it the “Fat Bastard Effect” (Quote: “I eat because I’m unhappy. And I’m unhappy because I eat”). As such, tap into to your inner demons to blanket yourself in a wave of self-loathing and hatred. Did your mommy not love you? Can’t support your family? Addicted to sex? Whatever it is, find that giant, gaping hole in your life, and then fill it with cake.


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Instructions For My Birthday Party

I love surprises! So when you enter, go ahead and place your coats in the front bedroom and then hide behind the living room couch. That way, when I enter – SURPRISE – in walks crazy COAT MAN wearing all your coats and dancing like a fool!

birthday-partyBefore I take off all those coats, I’m probably going to make a joke and say, “Okay, now who’s ready for the strip poker tournament?” When I do, you should laugh. A lot. Then, give me a compliment about how funny I am.

Just for today, I am going to ask that you don’t address me by my first name. Because today is special and I want a special title. So instead of saying, “Hey, Jeff” or “Jeff is so funny,” you should say something like “Hey, Coat Man!” Or “That Coat Man is so funny.” That way, whenever you say my name, people will be reminded of earlier. You know, when I did that funny thing with all the coats?

I better not hear any complaints about how cold it is in my house. Because as it stands now, Coat Man is a funny kind of crazy. But when Coat Man gets all hot and cranky, you better watch out – because that’s a whole ‘nuther kind of crazy altogether.

When it comes time to open presents, I bet you think I’m going to say something clever like, “Boy, I sure hope one of these is a new coat!” But you’re wrong because I don’t want to kill the joke by bringing it up all day long. So, during presents let’s just forget about Coat Man and enjoy the party. That way, we can all come up with some new jokes and keep the party fresh when I unwrap that JUMBO PACK OF COAT HANGERS!

Everyone knows I usually have cheesecake for my birthday, but this year I want a huge SLEEVE of chocolate cake, baked around a hidden POCKET of fudge and covered in a thick COAT of chocolate icing. Don’t ask me why, just pull that bad boy out at the right time and know that something really funny is about to happen!

When the party is over and I finally give you your coats back, don’t bother going through the pockets – they’re going to be empty. Coat Man just doesn’t show up at parties for free, you know?


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