10 Easy Ways to Lower Your Lifespan

Like Billy Joel says, “Only the good die young.” If you’d like to be one of these people, then there are plenty of things you can do to decrease your lifespan. Below are ten things that have been found to reduce life expectancy.

No, that’s not a typo…studies show booze prolongs lifespan. FYI: Follow all these tips and you’ll supposedly shed a full 74 years off your expiration date.

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How to Hide Your Rabies Symptoms


Did a feral animal, neighbor’s dog or your baby give you rabies? If so, then you are probably looking to keep your new and exciting brain virus a secret from friends and family. Let the word get out, after all, and pretty soon all your loved ones will be secretly plotting to put you out of your misery “Old Yeller style.”  Additional reasons to keep your rabies a secret include:

  • Inability to donate blood (and get free cookies)
  • Reduced probability of ‘scoring’ on a date
  • Job discrimination (studies show people with rabies are less likely to get a promotion)
  • Biting strangers on the street is upgraded from misdemeanor to felony

As such, to live your life to its full potential before you eventually die of natural causes (i.e. sudden respiratory failure) keep these tips in mind to effectively hide rabies symptoms:

Hiding Excessive Saliva

Foaming at the mouth is the most obvious sign of rabies. To keep that saliva from constantly running down your mouth, consider:

  • Eating lots of saltine crackers
  • Stuffing cotton balls into your cheeks
  • Taking up chewing tobacco so you can spit frequently
  • Eating red candy and telling people you are simply “bleeding from the mouth”

Hiding Rabies Aggression

If you have rabies, then chances are you’ve gotten angry at least once since you started reading this article. Before you lunge forward and bite the computer again, maybe you should stop and think about how this behavior looks to the other co-workers in your office. To keep your aggression under check so you can avoid attacking all “those idiots” up in accounting, try these tips:

  • Stop and count to ten before instinctively biting someone’s face off
  • Steer clear of sports, political debates and other high emotion pastimes
  • If you must kill, choose a prostitute or similar lost soul who won’t likely be missed

Hiding Rabies Seizures and Paralysis

In advanced stages of rabies, you will likely experience frequent seizures and muscle paralysis. Keep your loved ones from figuring out something is wrong by:

  • Constantly listening to heavy metal music (if you have a seizure, it will look like you are just really getting into the music)
  • Telling people you are rolling around in a wheelchair because you are “lazy”
  • Laughing off slurred speech from face paralysis by calling it your “really bad Mick Jagger impression”


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Piggyback Rides Replace Cigarettes as New Prison Currency

Piggyback rides have replaced cigarettes as the preferred type of currency in the San Quentin Correctional Facility in Marin County, California, according to prison officials.

The move comes largely due to decreased demand for cigarettes within the borders of the prison walls. Just as the larger society is trending towards healthier lifestyle choices, so too are our nation’s most dangerous inmates. This desire to improve personal habits has dramatically reduced the amount of cigarette smokers at San Quentin.

Struggling to find a new product that is more in demand than tobacco, inmates quickly settled on piggyback rides. The idea – which was proposed by three-time murderer and current inmate Rocko Colton – was initially met with resistance by the majority of the prisoners at the maximum-security facility.

One free piggyback ride around the yard was all it took to change their minds, however.

In response to this inaugural piggyback ride, inmate Walter Smalls best summed up the majority viewpoint of the entire criminal population when he said, “Weeeeeeeeeeee!”

According to prison officials, piggyback rides have proven a remarkably good alternative to cigarettes. As one correctional officer puts it, “they’re readily available, enjoyable and addictive – everything a cigarette is without the death.” And, as Mr. Colton adds, “Just plain mother fucking fun.”

The success of the change has brought about numerous other “health-conscious” prison changes. For example, whereas inmates once handed out stabbings and other forms of violence to show their disapproval for enemy behavior, the new technique is to simply hand out pieces of paper with big frowny faces drawn on them.

According to inmates, the new tactic eliminates unhealthy blood loss while still “getting the point across.”

Additionally, instead of doing illicit drugs, inmates have gotten hooked on tickle fights – which are obviously just as intoxicating without any of the nasty side effects.

Based on anonymous sources, the average tickle fight has a current street value of three-minutes of piggyback rides. For the really good shit, however, the “pony” needs to throw in some extra neighing and trotting sounds.


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Health Alert: Hugging Sharks May Result in Lost Limbs, Death

Thanks to their “tough guy” appearance, substantial size, and cute, adorable flippers, sharks have long been considered one of the most “huggable” animals of the sea. Indeed, who among us hasn’t ever thought about wrapping our arms around the warm, inviting cartilage of a Great White shark after a bad day at work or unsuccessful treasure hunt at the bottom of the sea?

shark hugBut could those shark hugs be causing more damage than good? Potentially. A new study conducted by researchers at the University of California-Riverside suggests that hugging sharks may be hazardous to your health.

In the study, participants were dropped into the Pacific Ocean and asked to embrace a shark for a “full 90 seconds.” Surprisingly, 99 percent of the participants reported serious side effects following their hugs. These side effects included long, jagged flesh wounds, lost limbs and, in severe cases, even death.

In order to entice the sharks into showing up and receiving their hugs, scientists asked each participant in the group to wear a warm, fuzzy sweater. Also, a necklace composed of bloody fish chum.

To eliminate bias and provide a point for comparison, a control group of participants was asked to hug a stuffed placebo shark located in the break room of the UC-Riverside science lab. In sharp contrast, only one participant in this group was injured, and even that was chalked up to external variables (he slipped on a grape).

In order to verify the results of the experiment, the research team repeated the study several times over. Each time, the results were similarly dismal.

Now that the team has identified a potential link between shark hugs and health risks, the next step is to figure out the actual root cause. Of the many possibilities identified by the team, Dr. Pete Talborn, lead researcher for the study, has a “sneaking suspicion” that it “has something to do with radioactive plutonium injected into the sharks by communist Russia.”

Other potential, though less likely causes suggested by the team include flesh-eating bacteria, alien mind control, and “poisonous jellyfish disguised in shark costumes.”

Until further research is conducted, experts suggest that people refrain from hugging any and all types of sharks. However, they do note that the study only tested full-on two-armed hugs. As such, side hugs and one-armed lean-in hugs may not be harmful.


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