Wanted: Master Of Puppets (Craigslist Posting)

Unfortunately, I don’t have experience in pain monopoly or ritual misery. Click image to enlarge.


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Donny’s School for Dungeon Masters

Are you a peasant or nobleman looking to start your own business? Do you have leadership skills and a passion for breaking the human spirit? Would you like to pursue your hobby of torturing prisoners AND get paid to do it? If so, then a rewarding and profitable career in the fast-paced industry of dungeon torture is for you!

Turn the wheel...to success!

For more than 20 years (founded 1052 AD), Donny’s School for Dungeon Masters has been the premier training center for dungeon-based professionals. Upon graduation of our program, more than 90 percent of our students go on to take such exciting positions as:

With our comprehensive program, you’ll graduate with the advanced knowledge necessary to give yourself the hiring edge against the competition. Today’s corrupt noblemen won’t hire just anybody to torture our nation’s thieves, witches and scientific heretics. They want experienced, hard-working employees that won’t put that whip down until they’ve extracted a confession (truthful or not).

In as little as 15 months, you’ll find yourself in an underground dungeon or prison tower beating the heck out of some vile prisoner that questioned the king’s authority or couldn’t afford to pay his taxes.

At Donny’s School for Dungeon Masters, our comprehensive programs cover such topics as:

  • Sleep deprivation
  • Proper whipping technique (use those knees!)
  • Effective name-calling
  • Demoralization
  • Filing paperwork to track prisoner progress

Our classes are taught by knowledgeable faculty members with real-world experience in the industry. Receive hands-on instruction as they teach you how to maximize pain and suffering while minimizing the potential for prisoner unconsciousness.

So what are you waiting for? If you want to earn a living and make up to 100 gold coins a month, then stop worrying about your fellow man and start whipping him instead! Don’t wait another minute! Visit the Donny’s School of Dungeon Masters closest to you today to learn more and enroll!


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A Cult Leader’s Cover Letter and Resume

Dear Believers of the Heavenly Fence,

I would like to express my interest in the “Cult Leader” job position you currently have posted on Craigslist. I have several years of experience molding the fragile minds of the depressed and hopeless to my personal will, and believe I have all the talent, charisma and coerciveness necessary to meet and exceed your high expectations for false hope.

If you select me for the position, I can promise an eternity of happiness and salvation in the arms of the Great Lord. I look forward to brainwashing you in person so that I can further convince you of my numerous merits and achievements. My resume is attached below for your perusal. For your benefit, I have taken the added initiative of encoding a subliminal message of servitude into the document.


Reverend Timothy L. Powell

Resume: Reverend Timothy L. Powell

Objective: Seeking a manageMent position in the “not-for-profit” sector of religious cults, sects and splinter organizations.

Highlighted Qualifications

  • Captivating persona; can manipulate even the strongest willed men and women
  • Superficially charming, while subversivelY undermining
  • Inflated senSe of importance and suPeriority assures obedience and blind faith
  • PersuAsive; once convinCed a group of 120 teen runaways that a 2-liter bottle of Shasta was the Holy Grail

RelEvant Work History

Timlothians (January 2007 to March 2010)

  • SucceSsfully brainwashed 132 lost souls through sleep deprivation and protein-deficient diets
  • Used beige smocks and tHose neck cones that dogs wear to simultaneously demoralize and anonymize followers
  • Cut off all forms of communication wIth the outside world and “rewrote” history with the Book of Tim

The Branch Graboidians (April 2000 to SePtember 2006)

  • Combined passaGes of the Bible with teachings of the 1990 movie, Tremors, to create a wholly fictitious, yet believable religion
  • During tenure, cult grew frOm one insecure housEwife to 87 devout worm worshippers
  • Skimmed money from worm farm business to build a laviSh underground compound for myself
  • Left to pursue new opportunities after convincing flock TO pole vault off Jagged cliff

The Divine Right (February 1997 to February 2000)

  • SuccEssfully supplanted the previous cult leader by personifying him as a human form of the devil (i.e. glued red horns and a tail to him while he slept)
  • Achieved martyr statuS after being imprisoned for pUblic nudity
  • Married all 44 female members and pitted them againSt each other to compete for my love


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How To Transition Out of Your Career as a Ninja Assassin

There comes a point in any ninja assassin‘s career when the joy and adrenaline rush that comes from scaling a castle wall or sneaking up on an enemy and snapping his neck at close range just becomes another day at the office. If your recent missions have left you feeling bored or just plain unfulfilled, then it may be time for a career change. Other warning signs that might signal it is time to try a new career include:

  • Career going no where?

    Leaving early or calling in sick from missions

  • Neglecting to relish the kill
  • Getting lazy and using a gun
  • Getting stabbed or maimed due to lack of concentration

Statistics show that the average person changes careers at least three times during his or her lifetime. For those looking to transition out of a career as a ninja assassin, follow these simple steps:

Determine Potential Career Paths

Before giving up on your old life, it is important to assess your job skills and preferences to determine what type of new career you are qualified for. While everyone’s interests may be different, popular career fields for ex-ninja assassins include children’s karate instructor, door-to-door knife salesman, surprise party planner and library assistant.

Update Your Resume

Likely, the resume that got you your position as an assassin will need to be updated to cater to you new career path. As such, you may need to tweak your current resume to make yourself more marketable to a corporate environment. For instance, a bullet point that reads, “Collected the heads of 247 enemy soldiers” may need to be changed to read, “Met and exceeded my quarterly job quotas.” Similarly, ninja-centric job skills, such as the ability use a hollow reed to breath underwater, may need to be replaced with more relevant skills, such as typing speed (words per minute) and your level of proficiency in Microsoft Word.

Find a Job Before You Quit

It’s a good idea to line up a new job before leaving your current one. This can help diminish any period of unemployment. If you are a good ninja assassin, then you might consider using your superior stealth to search for a new employer during downtime at your current job. For example, if you find yourself hiding in a closet waiting for a foreign ambassador to return to his hotel suite so you can fill him full of throwing stars, then you might take that time to search the job postings of the local newspaper.

Or, if you and a horde of other ninjas are about to rappel down some ropes to ambush a small group of do-gooding heroes, then you might consider asking your colleagues for any job leads they may be aware of.

Ace the Interview

Once you have some job interviews lined up, it’s time to win over your new employer. To start, trade in that all-black ninja suit for a regular old suit and tie. Other tips that may help you during an interview include arriving 15 minute early, leaving the nunchuks at home, entering the office via the front door rather than a 3rd-story window and not murdering the interviewer.

Give Your Two Weeks Notice

Whether you’re working for a feudal prince or a Japanese street gang, it’s common courtesy to give two weeks notice before leaving your position. This is not only polite, but also allows your employer to line up another professional ninja to cover any upcoming tactical murders that may be in the works. Additionally, leaving your current job on a good note may result in a helpful recommendation to any future employers from your current prince or Yakuza boss.


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Blackbeard Gets Fired From the Fire Department

Blackbeard, when we hired you a little over a year ago, I think it was fair to say that us here at the Precinct #83 Fire Department were taking a bit of gamble. Clearly, you had no firefighting experience prior to arriving here. And yet, we decided to hire you anyway because we are a proud sponsor of the Pirate Rehabilitation Program and you showed a lot of promise.

Upon hiring you, we had hoped that your significant experience with high-stress situations and working around water would translate well to the world of firefighting.

Clearly, that is not what happened.

If you need examples of your poor performance, there is no shortage of them. Your commitment to navigating the fire truck via treasure map was an unmitigated disaster. As we’ve told you before, a dotted line with instructions such as “40 paces as the crow flies” just doesn’t translate well to driving a fire truck on the crowded streets of Los Angeles.

While I appreciate your experience with cartography, I must stress that Google Maps would have been a much simpler alternative.

And once at the sight of the fire, we could find no place to put you that proved valuable in our efforts. As a hose man, your hook hand would inevitably puncture the hose and divert much of the water source directly into your thick, filthy beard.

As a ladder man, your job was to help save survivors on upper floors. And while you reached the victims remarkably quickly thanks to your rope swinging techniques, your insistence on removing those trapped by forcing them “off the plank” and out the window by sword-point resulted in many unnecessary injuries.

And as for your time as an interior search and rescue specialist, well, all I can say is that in retrospect a man with two wooden peglegs belongs no where near a flaming building.

Of course, that’s not to say that you didn’t save anyone in your time with the precinct. There was many a time when you carried someone out of the flaming wreckage and helped that individual avoid certain death. And we thank you for that. However, your attempts to immediately bury these survivors as “plundered treasure” was an unfortunate addendum to your rescue tactics.

And it wasn’t just your demeanor during rescue missions. Your peculiar off-duty actions were also wildly unsatisfactory. The constant rum drinking; the endless accordion playing; the cannonball sieges on nearby precincts – all these acts were not only against protocol, but also really, really annoying.

Also, while this didn’t really affect your job performance in any way, your decision to saunter around the firehouse with the precinct Dalmatian perched on your shoulder was especially peculiar, and probably pretty dangerous for the dog.

For these and many other reasons, I am sorry to say that we must let you go from your position here at the firehouse. Please do not attempt to pillage anything on the way out. Your final paycheck will be sent within two weeks via carrier pigeon as per your usual request. Thank you, and good day.


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