Tag Archives: satire

Donnie's Tiny Hats for Vermin and Rats

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Have rats, gophers, raccoons or other vermin infested your home? If so, then you may be reluctant to resort to the cruel, inhumane practices of glue traps, rat traps and deadly poisons. Well, why torture these innocent critters when all you really need to do is invest in a bunch of tiny hats?

That’s right – tiny hats! Tiny hats are the fast, easy and affordable way to instantly turn ANY unwanted pest into a welcomed and adorable visitor!

Does your wife scream every time she spots a little mouse in the basement? Well, then simply strap a tiny beret on that little rodent’s head to instantly turn that frown upside down!

Now, instead of asking your pests to leave, you’ll be begging them to stay! No other solution allows you to more easily tolerate your pests so the two of you can live together in peace and harmony.

At Donnie’s Tiny Hats for Vermin and Rats, we handle every step of the tiny hat process, including:

  • Rounding up all your pests
  • Strapping hats to their heads
  • Releasing them back into your house/yard
  • Custom-fitting hats for vermin with irregular head sizes
  • Revisiting your home to fit new hats as pest population increases

Don’t be fooled by other pest control services that don’t specialize in tiny hats! While they may offer some tiny hat services, their selection and styles of hats pale in comparison! Donnie’s has the largest selection of tiny hats for vermin and rats in the world! Our fashionable selection of tiny hats includes the following:

  • Baseball hat (curved or flat bill)
  • Cowboy hat
  • Nightcap
  • Birthday hat
  • High school graduation hat
  • Beanie
  • Sombrero
  • Fedora
  • Fez
  • Turban
  • EVEN TINY WIGS!

So what are you waiting for? Stop torturing your pests and start strapping tiny hats to their little heads! Call Donnie’s Tiny Hats for Vermin and Rats today!

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On-Air Prayers to God's Radio Show

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Coming back from a commercial break…

God: Hey everyone, welcome back to WWJD radio – the premier FM station for all the best spiritual hits from the 80s, 90s and today (harp sound effect). This is your captain speaking – DJ Lord Almighty – here to save your soul from all cruddy rock music out there. We’ll kick this afternoon’s jam sesh off with some Iron Butterfly in a minute, but first let’s take some prayers! We’ve got Jimmy in Cleveland – Jimmy!

Jimmy: Hey Almighty, long time listener, first time prayer. I recently went through a divorce with my wife, and well, I just wanted to ask if you could give me the strength to get through this troubling time?

God: Ooh, ouch Jimmy. That’s gotta hurt. First, let me just say that I know your wife, and she’s not as pious as she’d have you believe. In fact, you might as well call her Jezebel because she’s been sleeping around on you for the past eight months! So don’t feel so bad about your recent transgressions. As for the strength, I can certainly help you out with that – slap a few bills in the collection plate at church next Sunday and I’ll see what I can do.

Jimmy: Great, thanks Lord!

God: Let’s go the Candace in Kentucky – Candace!

Candace: Lord, I lift your name on high! I’ve got a sister going into the hospital for breast cancer surgery next week, and Lord, we just ask that you remember her during her time of need.

God: Remember her? How could I forget her? Have no worries Candace, your sister’s body was sculpted by me Himself – and I dare say I broke the mold with her. Trust me, your sister and her fine, fine form will be allllll right!

Candace: Oh, praise be to you! Thank you so much!

God: What’s that…hold the phones listeners, my producer Peter has just informed me we’ve got an atheist on line eight. We don’t get many prayers from those guys – Chad, great to have you – how can I help?

Chad: Uh, hey God…hello? Are you there?

God: I’m here Chaddy boy, you gotta have faith!

Chad: I can’t hear anything on your end, but, well – I don’t really believe in you or anything, but my son is real sick right now and the docs say he won’t make it. If you’re up there, I could really use some help.

God: Ooh, sounds like someone’s reached the bargaining stage of their grief! Chad, you may have turned your back on me, but as we all know I’m a loving God! Tell you what? I’ll make a deal with you – I save your son’s life, so long as you go ahead and spend the rest of your life spreading the word of me, okay? Sound fair?

Chad: I’ll spend the rest of my life devoted to you, I swear. Just don’t let my son die.

God: Great! Sounds like we’ve got a deal! Folks, we’ll get back to more prayers in hour two, right now let’s take a quick commercial break brought to you by Popeye’s Chicken! Popeye’s – crispy, spicy, oh so good – if it’s not Popeye’s then it’s not a party! On the flip side of this break, we’ll take you into the Gadda Da Vidda! Don’t go anywhere!

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My New Mommy: The Step-Mommy Software for Little Kids

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Kids, has a recent death, divorce or trip to the “store for cigarettes” left you without a mommy? Are you tired of waiting around for daddy to stop moping around so he can get out there and find you a new mommy? If so, then you need to STOP feeling sorry for yourself and START playing with My New Mommy: The Step-Mommy Software for Little Kids!

My New Mommy is the fast, simple way to finally get all the motherly attention you’ve always wanted! Simply place the mommy software into the floppy disc drive of your computer,* and you’ll be playing and talking with the mommy of your dreams in mere minutes!

Each New Mommy comes with 32 different customizable features – so you can make her act as much (or as little) like your old mommy as you want!

Once you’ve designed your new mommy to your liking, all that’s left to do is boot her up for endless parenting fun! Enjoy playing and talking about your day with your new mommy. Plus, get gentle reminders to do your homework!

Beyond the custom play options, boys and girls also have access to a special Watch-Me Mommy Mode. Simply type, “Watch Me”, and your mommy will watch as you show off a favorite skill, perform a dance or play or sport. Feel validated as she shouts on such encouragements as: “That’s my boy,” “Way to go honey” and “Let me get my camera!”

Daddies, if you’re worried My New Mommy is all fun and games, then rest assured in knowing your little ones will get the firm parenting discipline they need. My New Mommy comes with such “action phrases” as:

  • Get those grades up
  • Wait until your father gets home
  • Let’s help daddy wash the dishes
  • Eat your vegetables
  • AND…Not until your 18

And when it’s after bedtime, daddies can enter a coded password to enjoy the special “Just for Daddies” mode. Instantly, My New Mommy becomes the perfect spouse. Enjoy such grown-up activities as:

  • Home-cooked meal for two
  • Quietly watching the television together
  • Double date mode
  • Naked hot tub time

So kids, what are you waiting for? Tell your daddy it’s time to get over that old mommy and start having fun with My New Mommy!

My New Mommy is the latest innovation from FlimCo. FlimCo – filling out your family tree since 1983! Other fantastic products from FlimCo include:

*Minimum system requirements: 386 Processor, DOS 5.0, 4MB RAM and VGA Graphics Card supporting 640 x 480 and 256 colors

Career Outlook Profile for Owls

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Are you interested in a career that will elevate you to high places? Have you ever longed for a job that connected you with nature? Do you enjoy working nights? If you answered, “Yes” to any of these questions, then you may be interested in becoming an owl. Keep reading to learn more about this exciting career and whether or not becoming an owl is a good fit for your personality.

Work Environment for Owls

Owls are employed in forests, mountains and barns throughout the world. The majority of owls are self-employed. However, a small percentage can also be found working in zoos and other organizations. Regardless of employer, being an owl is a largely solitary career that finds professionals perched alone in treetops and other high embankments for hours on end.  As such, if you are afraid of heights, then this may not be the career for you. Common job tasks include:

  • Hunting prey
  • Protecting baby owls from snakes
  • Searching for mates
  • Creeping out campers on dark, stormy nights
  • Slowly evolving over time to improve chances for species survival
  • Determining how many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop

Indicators of Success

Successful owls tend to possess a number of similar interests and characteristics. Indicators of a potentially rewarding career as an owl include:

  • A strong interest in rodents
  • A natural affinity for working with your talons
  • A knack for detecting prey up to half a mile away
  • The ability to turn your head around 270 degrees
  • Having wings

This young hopeful is ready for an entry-level position

Education and Training Requirements

While a certain degree of raw talent is typically considered necessary in order to be a successful owl, you by no means need to be a “naturally born owl.” In fact, most successful owls haven’t even graduated from high school. That being said, improved advancement opportunities may be eligible for those who enroll in post-graduate programs related to zoology, forestry preservation and animal husbandry. Outside of schooling, training opportunities that can prepare an individual for a career as an owl include:

  • Taking flying lessons
  • Improving stalking abilities by trailing and attacking strangers
  • Sitting in trees and yelling “Who?” at people who walk by
  • Crafting a suit of feathers and wearing it often

Job Outlook for Owls

While the depletion of natural habitats has reduced overall job demand for owls, viable career opportunities remain available in a broad number of rural and secluded locations. The median annual salary for a professional owl is estimated at minimal to non-existent. However, a number of job perks help ensure that being an owl is a satisfying and rewarding way to make a living. These job perks include:

  • Free housing
  • All the food you can catch
  • An assigned mate for breeding

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A Vampire's Guide to Looking Good

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Not being able to see your own reflection can be a serious hurdle when it comes to looking your best. Despite this fact, vampires are notorious for their vanity, and often refuse to leave the house before their hair is combed just so or that makeup delivers the perfect appearance of sallow paleness. Whether you’ve got a date with a fellow bloodsucker or you’re just heading down to the corner to murder the living, here are some tips that’ll have you looking good no matter what the occasion.

Consider the “Bed-Head” Look

Catching all those cowlicks can be pretty difficult without the help of a mirror. Rather than fret about whether or not you’ve got a misplaced hair or two, why not roll with the punches and go with that “just rolled out of bed” look? With the help of a little sculpting gel, all it takes is a few tousles of the hair to look like you just came from an expensive hair salon.

If you’re an old-school vampire and prefer that classic 18th-century look that you grew up with, then other good options for hair include:

  • Using Pommade to achieve that slicked-back style
  • Pulling it back into a ponytail
  • Wearing a hat
  • Investing in a powdered wig

Buy Off the Mannequin

Way back when you were human, you might remember using a full-length mirror to help make sure those fine linen shirts matched your pantaloons. Now that you don’t have that luxury, you’ve probably found yourself playing it safe and dressing in a lot of black. While black is certainly classic, it’s still fun to mix up your cape colors every once in a while. As such, next time you visit the mall, consider doing yourself a favor and buying full outfits straight off the mannequin. If you like the way it looks on the mannequin, chances are you’ll also like the way it looks on you.

Enslave a Personal Stylist

When it comes to looking your best, sometimes it helps to get a second opinion. There are plenty of fashion stylists out there who make a living by helping celebrities and other very important people dress to impress. Since good help is often hard to find, it is recommended you suck the blood of your favorite celebrity stylist. Not only will this ensure an unbiased opinion (since you’re now his or her new vampire master), it will also ensure an eternity of good fashion tips from an expert that is no longer mortal.

Take Good Care of Those Teeth

Those pretty little fangs of yours are one of your greatest assets. To ensure they stay sexy and sharp, be sure to take good care of them. Proper fang maintenance should include:

  • Brushing twice daily with fluoride toothpaste
  • Flossing to get those finicky neck sinews out from in between teeth
  • Dental visits every six months
  • Using a home tooth whitening kit (remember, blood stains)

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Christian Science Test

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If your child went to a fundamentalist Christian school, what might his or her science test look like? Here’s a humorous mock-up of what you might expect. (click image to enlarge)

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