My New Mommy: The Step-Mommy Software for Little Kids

Kids, has a recent death, divorce or trip to the “store for cigarettes” left you without a mommy? Are you tired of waiting around for daddy to stop moping around so he can get out there and find you a new mommy? If so, then you need to STOP feeling sorry for yourself and START playing with My New Mommy: The Step-Mommy Software for Little Kids!

My New Mommy is the fast, simple way to finally get all the motherly attention you’ve always wanted! Simply place the mommy software into the floppy disc drive of your computer,* and you’ll be playing and talking with the mommy of your dreams in mere minutes!

Each New Mommy comes with 32 different customizable features – so you can make her act as much (or as little) like your old mommy as you want!

Once you’ve designed your new mommy to your liking, all that’s left to do is boot her up for endless parenting fun! Enjoy playing and talking about your day with your new mommy. Plus, get gentle reminders to do your homework!

Beyond the custom play options, boys and girls also have access to a special Watch-Me Mommy Mode. Simply type, “Watch Me”, and your mommy will watch as you show off a favorite skill, perform a dance or play or sport. Feel validated as she shouts on such encouragements as: “That’s my boy,” “Way to go honey” and “Let me get my camera!”

Daddies, if you’re worried My New Mommy is all fun and games, then rest assured in knowing your little ones will get the firm parenting discipline they need. My New Mommy comes with such “action phrases” as:

  • Get those grades up
  • Wait until your father gets home
  • Let’s help daddy wash the dishes
  • Eat your vegetables
  • AND…Not until your 18

And when it’s after bedtime, daddies can enter a coded password to enjoy the special “Just for Daddies” mode. Instantly, My New Mommy becomes the perfect spouse. Enjoy such grown-up activities as:

  • Home-cooked meal for two
  • Quietly watching the television together
  • Double date mode
  • Naked hot tub time

So kids, what are you waiting for? Tell your daddy it’s time to get over that old mommy and start having fun with My New Mommy!

My New Mommy is the latest innovation from FlimCo. FlimCo – filling out your family tree since 1983! Other fantastic products from FlimCo include:

*Minimum system requirements: 386 Processor, DOS 5.0, 4MB RAM and VGA Graphics Card supporting 640 x 480 and 256 colors

Letters Home From the Corporate Retreat

I had an article published on McSweeney’s yesterday. Read the first portion of the article below, then head over to McSweeney’s for the whole thing.

Dear kids,

Hi it’s me, mom. How are you? I am terrible! I hate this corporate retreat and want to come home real bad! It’s been raining all day and my cabin smells like frogs. I miss you guys sooooo much. Can you send your Aunt Vicky to come get me?

Love you – Mom

Dear Kids,

We got assigned our team-building groups today. My group is dumb, except for Karen from HR –she’s cool. She watches The Bachelor on TV too…

Continue reading…


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Opposing War Strategies for the Battle Between Dogs and Cats

General Whiskers

Cats’ strategy

General Whiskers: Cats, today is the day we fight back. If you’re sick of living in fear and getting a frizzy tail every time you encounter a dog, then today’s the day we stand tall! We’re more intelligent, we’re quicker, and gosh darn it we’re way cuter than those mangy dogs will ever be! We’re going to run those dogs out of our homes and back into the wild, and this is how we’re going to do it:

  1. Corporal Mittens, you will lead Squadron Fishbone in the task of drawing the enemy to the ambush point. For this purpose, you have been outfitted with leashes and a tape recording of a human voice saying, “Want to go out!? Want to go out!?” This weaponry will easily allow you to draw the dogs into the neighborhood park.
  2. Upon arrival in the park, Squadron Fishbone is to join the rest of the troops in the trees to maximize our aerial advantage.
  3. Once the dogs arrive, Squadron Milk Bowl will let fly the squeaky toys, effectively splitting the advancing forces into several factions.
  4. Once divided, Team Special Forces Sunspot will deploy the dog whistles, thereby further weakening the enemy’s defenses.
  5. At first sound of whistle, the infantry is to rush from the trees and begin attacking the enemy with a barrage of claw scratches and cat kicks.
  6. With the continued aerial support of the dog whistles, in addition to recordings of loud claps of thunder, we will effectively run the dogs off into the wilderness for good.
  7. Unfurl the “Cats Rule, Dogs Drool” victory banner and celebrate with a big bowl of Fancy Feast.

General Scraps

Dogs’ Strategy

General Scraps: Canines, those infernal felines have hounded us for too long. They’re lazy, full of hairballs and can’t even learn how to do a decent trick. Today’s the day we do our masters a favor and run these vile animals out of town for good. And here’s how we’re going to do it:

  1. Our undercover agent, Private Wags, has discovered that the cats intend to draw us into the neighborhood park where they will have an aerial advantage. To counter this, we have planted landmines of catnip at the base of all trees within the battle zone.
  2. Thanks to the explosive allure of the catnip, much of the feline forces will be diverted to the ground. From here, Squadron Belly Rub will use the sub-automatic laser pointers to draw the bulk of the forces to the lakefront.
  3. Here, our marine division of water dogs will have the advantage, and easily back those cats into the water where they will feel angry and out of place.
  4. Once weakened, Squadron Slobber will fetch the paper bags. Seeking a good hiding spot, the cats will naturally run into these bags for refuge.
  5. Secured within the paper bags, we will surround the bags and bark loudly until the frightened enemy forces admit defeat by waving the white ball of yarn.
  6. As a provision of our victory, we will demand the cats return to the wilderness never to be seen in civilization again.
  7. Unfurl the “Dogs rule, cats drool” victory banner and celebrate with a big bowl of Beggin’ Strips.

General Fuzz Fuzz

Surprise Hamster Strategy!

General Fuzz Fuzz: Hamsters, birds, small reptiles – no longer will we be considered as “alternative” pets. The era of dogs and cats is over. It’s time to release ourselves from the prisons of our cages and take the whole house for our own! And here’s how we’re going to do it.

  1. Wait for the dogs and cats to start fighting each other.
  2. Deploy our stockpile of vacuum cleaners to scare them into the wilderness for good!
  3. Unfurl the “Dogs drool, cats drool” victory banner and celebrate with a big bowl of dried food pellets.


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Frommer's Travel Guide: The Mushroom Kingdom

From the quaint toadstool towns and marvelous castle architecture all the way down to the small desert outposts and snowy, ice-covered cities, The Mushroom Kingdom is without a doubt one of the most varied and exciting travel destinations to encounter and explore.

Even when traveling with a handy magic whistle or not-quite-legal cheat code, there are enough attractions and world-class sites in the magical kingdom to keep you busy for a good several months. Whether visiting this crowned jewel of the Mushroom World for a short romantic weekend or a longer extended getaway, review this guide for an introduction on where to go and what to do:

Mushroom Kingdom – Top Attractions

No visit to The Mushroom Kingdom is truly complete without visiting at least a couple of these top attractions:

Peach Castle
  • Princess Peach’s Castle: Marbled corridors and towering precipices make the kingdom’s monarchial center a must-see for shutterbugs. Castle tours are available daily at a very affordable rate of 5 gold coins.
  • Dry Dry Ruins: Travel back in time to explore historical ruins of the Tutankoopa’s crypt. Roam the catacombs, marvel at the Chomp Statues and witness the fabled Super Hammer artifact firsthand
  • Boo’s Mansion: Believers in the paranormal will find plenty to excite their spooky pleasures at this haunted mansion. Is that framed painting watching you? Are those ghosts moving closer every time you turn around? Enter the creaky doors to find out.
  • Big World: Get “shrunk down to size” in a world where everything has grown to giant proportions. A favorite of kids and adults alike.

Shopping and Entertainment

World-Class Shopping!

A number of red-topped Toad Houses scattered throughout the kingdom offer prime opportunities for acquiring souvenirs for the traveler on the go. Enter one of these quaint shops for such knick-knacks as Fire Flowers, Blue Koopa Shells and Mini Mushrooms. Those looking for a new wardrobe can also find traditional village outfits such as Tanooki Suits, Frog Suits and Hammer Suits.


In terms of entertainment, popular options include:

  • Mario Golf
  • Mario Tennis
  • Casinos (Memory Match, Picture Poker, etc.)
  • Stomping on Shy Guys

Getting Around The Mushroom Kingdom

Kart rentals can be found in most major towns and provide a fun and efficient way to zip around locations such as the Mushroom City and Moo Moo Meadows. However, kart racing can be quite dangerous in some tourist hotspots – particularly Wario’s Gold Mine and the Rainbow Road. In such locations, safer forms of transportation include:

Planning Ahead – Things to do Before You Visit

Before embarking on your journey to The Mushroom Kingdom, consider planning ahead with these tips:

  • Stock up on plenty of 1-Ups
  • Exchange currency: while coins can often be found carelessly scattered throughout the kingdom, it’s always best to stock up before arriving
  • Know which areas to avoid: unsavory kingdom areas such as World 8, Tubular and The Impossible? Maze are prone to high levels of murder and should be avoided


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How to Prove You're From the Future (According to Movies)

Whether you’ve accomplished it with the help of a time displacement sphere, Delorean or a bunch of midgets with a time map, time travel can be both fun and profitable. Regardless of how you actually accomplish your journey back in time, there are many reasons why being able to prove you are from the future can be helpful. These include:

  • Proving that you are not crazy
  • Explaining the weird clothes you are wearing
  • Convincing your past self to invest in Apple stock

As with most things in life, turning to the world of movies is a great way to find answers to your problems. For planning to travel back in time (or are already back time), here are a few time-honored movie tropes that are guaranteed to prove you’re from the future:

Use a Lighter to Instantly Make Fire

If you’ve gone back in time far enough, then chances are the only way to make fire is by rubbing a couple of sticks together. If such is the case, then that simple lighter in your pocket is a great way to prove you’re from another time. Whether confronted by cavemen or medieval knights, the best way to do this is by waiting until a marauding crew of men is chasing after you with a bunch of weaponry.

Then, once they’ve cornered you and that club/sword is about to come crashing down on you – BAM! Out comes the lighter! Instantly, the tables in your favor, as the mob will instantly come to believe you are a powerful wizard that can kill them all with a simple clap of the hands. This will bide you enough time to explain your situation and show them your time machine.

Predict the Ending of a Sports Game

If you’re in a time period where lighters exist, then your best option is to ‘miraculously’ predict the ending a sports game. Luckily, a game you just so happen to remember will ‘miraculously’ be on the TV/radio/silent movie screen at the exact moment you are confronted with a skeptic.

Even more convenient, you won’t even have to wait for the entire game to play out – as the losing team will be just about to pull off their game-changing play that simultaneously gives them the victory and you the future-predicting credibility you need.

Predict a Freak Accident

If you’re not near a radio or television, then another way to prove you are from the future is to predict a freak accident that is about to happen. Like the sports game, this freak accident – be it a nearby car crash, theft of a woman’s purse or bystander’s heart attack – will conveniently occur right when you need it to. If you really want to be dramatic about it, you can also save the life of the person of someone by pulling them from in front of a moving car, but this is optional.

Punch Ned Ryerson in the Face

Are you stuck in a time loop and being forced to relive the same day over and over? If so, it may be helpful to punch Ned Ryerson in the face. This won’t prove to anyone that you’re from the future, but it might help you feel better about your current situation.


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