Noah Berman
Kids are magical because they are untainted in every sense of the word. They are not the cynical and apathetic and uncurious beings adults are— instead, they are inquisitive and funny.
Comedy writer James Breakwell knows this all too well. He has four daughters under the age of eight, and often tweets his hysterical conversations with them under the Twitter handle @XplodingUnicorn. Many of them have to do with his 5-year-old, or his various daughters as they turn five (is five just that magical age?) and some with his 7- and 3-year-olds. His tweets rack up instant likes and retweets because they are just too good. Here are some of our favorites:
38.
5-year-old: Why can’t dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2018
37.
5-year-old: I’m writing a book.
Me: What’s it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It’s just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
36.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don’t know what everybody else was doing.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
35.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
34.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He’s not. He’s saving her life.
5: I’d rather die.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
33.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
32.
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2018
31.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
30.
Me: You can’t like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I’m never sleeping again.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
29.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
28.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
Me: What’s wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
27.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015