Mike
Twitter is a neverending stream of jokes. Lately, it’s been clogged up with a lot of news and negative stuff, but the jokes are still there. You just have to know where to look. Lucky for you, I know where to find them. That’s why every week I handpick some of the best and bring them here for you. I’m nice like that. Enjoy.
1.
My 7 rules for book writing
1. Spelling
2. Have a Frankenstein in it
3. Do not talk about Book Writing
4. Do not talk about Book Writing
5. It should take place on a boat
6. A scene where a guy splits a bullet in half with a sword
7. Have a nice plant on your writing desk— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) November 15, 2018
2.
Finally the long awaited sequel to Mambo no. 5 pic.twitter.com/wOWRkhpJyT
— Unrated No Check Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) November 5, 2018
3.
doctor: i'm afraid he may never wake up from his coma
my wife: on his will it says he's left all his updog to you
doctor: what is updog
my wife: i don't know
[my body starts convulsing]
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) November 10, 2018
4.
— Napcore Influencer (@SortaBad) October 24, 2018
5.
Scientist: how can we make condoms better, more enjoyable and efficient?
Frog: rib it
Scientist: someone get that fucking frog out of here— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) January 16, 2015
6.
When your dog dies, he should be contractually obligated to visit you in a dream and tell you he loved you too.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) November 22, 2013
7.
*hits snooze* ok, I have 9 minutes to get my life together before I get up.
— jo (@whatsJo) February 13, 2018
8.
pistachios huh. what’s that like a vegan clam
— ret (@rad_milk) November 16, 2018
9.
https://twitter.com/Ygrene/status/1062107761985642496
10.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don't recognize it.— Steve vs. Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) October 8, 2018
11.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) October 22, 2018
12.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy's head. Nice. I'll add blush in post. pic.twitter.com/nE6TKV9nyP
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) April 26, 2016
13.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) September 19, 2018
14.
https://twitter.com/sonictyrant/status/1057039464680316928
15.
https://twitter.com/PostCultRev/status/951866276669894656