Mike
I’ve traveled to the farthest reaches of Twitter to bring you the best jokes I could find. Some recent, some old, all hilarious. Every week I’ll bring you this list of Twitter jokes so you can take a load off and forget your troubles. We all deserve some laughter in our lives.
1.
all the
small things
at thanks-
giving
uncle's
racist
mom's
high
dad's
pissed
say it ain't so / sweet potatoes
cousin's now goth / hot topic clothes— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 21, 2018
2.
https://twitter.com/captainkalvis/status/939189866776031232
3.
https://twitter.com/EJGomez/status/863972429198176256
4.
The Time Person of the Year should be the same every year: the person inside Big Bird, for resisting the urge to kill.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) November 25, 2017
5.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
— Angie B (@Angibangie) April 4, 2018
6.
me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night
me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener
— Neek (@babyltaly) April 18, 2019
7.
Sign says World's Largest Ravioli. "Where's the filling?" people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) June 30, 2017
8.
It’s scientifically impossible to remember how the Moonraker theme song goes and not just sing “Moonraker” to the tune of Goldfinger
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) October 19, 2018
9.
https://twitter.com/gabriellejwhite/status/1052675684601073665
10.
https://twitter.com/whatmaddness/status/1051090657132068865
11.
As a dude, sometimes you just end up in Best Buy. You don’t need anything, you don’t want to be there, and you certainly don’t remember arriving. But you look up, you’re in a Best Buy, and you can’t freak out about it.
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 5, 2018
12.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
— on bluesky at explod.es (@egg_dog) September 15, 2018
13.
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
14.
I want to submerge my entire body in Elmer's glue then let it dry and shed my form on a jogging trail like a snake skin
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 30, 2017
15.
I wasn’t allowed on a roller coaster because I was too short to ride. Now? I’m 29, 6’2” and lucky enough to call that same roller coaster my wife. Follow your dreams #ShareYourRejection
— Guy Montgomery (@guy_mont) August 17, 2018