Mike
There’s plenty of funniest tweets lists out there, but this one is special. It’s special because I take the time to find you the best of the best. My twitter roundup is so good it will make you kiss your fingers like an Italian chef. Enjoy.
1.
My uncle on my Italian side got one of the DNA tests done and it turns out they're not Italian and everyone in my family is having a mental breakdown
— pro abortion, anti war (@queenozymandias) November 23, 2018
2.
Big fan of this picture of a veterinarian showing a cat how fat he is. pic.twitter.com/ZWZMZNxsGT
— 🦇 Ekimmara 🦇 (@carson__hudson) November 22, 2018
3.
Ran into your boyfriend at Lowe’s pic.twitter.com/WuQN89j8VX
— Mrs. Dadguy (@Bruisey) August 22, 2018
4.
BABY SHARK pic.twitter.com/AekpOQBxGu
— Rhet (@rhet_hailey) November 23, 2018
5.
WHY DOES EVERY ONLINE RECIPE BEGIN WITH A 40 PAGE ESSAY ABOUT SOMEONES HUSBAND DOG AND KIDS AND A BRISK WALK THEY TOOK IN THE FALL AND HOW THEY LOVE THE CHANGING OF THE LEAVES AND THEIR DOGS FAVORITE TREAT. GIMME THE RECIPE HON MY SCROLL FINGER HURTS
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) November 22, 2018
6.
Nigga drawing his ass off tryna avoid being eaten https://t.co/Fj6qit9kFB
— ight. (@ogpixel2) November 21, 2018
7.
I am thankful that I’m hotter now than I was in high school and that technology has evolved in a way that makes it easy to remind all the people who wronged me of this fact.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) November 22, 2018
8.
In middle school I typed an entire paper while clicking the space bar twice between each word bc i thought that’s what double spaced meant
— Madison (@madskeen) November 19, 2018
9.
i told my little brother that it was fine if we didn’t get ice cream and he said “are you sure? i looked it up online and it said when girls say they’re fine they’re not”
— Julia Moore (@JuliaMoore179) November 20, 2018
10.
https://twitter.com/frvnki/status/1064673093296300032
11.
https://twitter.com/nonnaay_/status/1065346238206357504
12.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said— Blake (@dksc4life) February 3, 2018
13.
"Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
"Brochure"
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) November 16, 2018
14.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I'm just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I've never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
— ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) March 7, 2018
15.
The plot of every Hallmark movie is about a career woman who is too busy for love but she has to move to a small town where a handsome local bachelor teaches her about the true spirit of the holiday. It starts snowing and they kiss. There is also a dog.
— Joel Doubleyou (@JoelDoubleyou) November 19, 2018
16.
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours
— kendra (@kendraaaleighh) October 11, 2018
17.
https://twitter.com/nowayjxse/status/1064080739237392384
18.
How come you guys never told me this iPhone trick? I feel duped. pic.twitter.com/2RfRhI4Y1X
— Krissy Brierre-Davis (@krissybri) November 18, 2018
19.
Didn’t see my boyfriend for like a week and when we sat down to eat at this restaurant he pulls out a bit of paper and said “ I had so much tea to spill that I didn’t want to forget any details” lmaooooo
— sas (@silvermilk_) November 18, 2018
20.
My fatass was drunk last night and had a photo shoot with my McDonald’s hashbrown at 4AM pic.twitter.com/8iz80eXsEY
— The Guy (@FLJBieber) November 17, 2018
21.
Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how much garlic to put in. You measure that with your heart.
— 𝒥𝑒𝓌𝓁𝒾𝑒 (@jelly_ehles) November 16, 2018
22.
*college kids trying to clean snow off their car*
me- using a folder
kid next to me- minute maid lemonade box
girl across from me- a boot
another girl near me- a dust pan— lynsey trafka (@lynseyspiderman) November 16, 2018
23.
I can drink 3 cups of coffee and go straight to sleep and this is just one example of what is fundamentally wrong with me as a person
— Maria Zembillas (@Maria_Zembillas) November 6, 2018
24.
concept: goth ranch pic.twitter.com/9gFV9qmIwP
— sudden infant death syndrome (@hylacrucifers) November 15, 2018
25.
https://twitter.com/PlinketyPlink/status/1063592555563151360