Mike
I really love twitter. There’s a lot of trash on there these days but the really funny tweets are still around if you know where to look. Or you could just stop by this weekly twitter post and let me do all of the hard work for you.
1.
Fuck I tried to speak Spanish to a customer at the register and I said “Feliz cumpleaños” instead of “Feliz Navidad.” I just realized it as I said it so I tried to save myself and ended up saying “Feliz cumpleaños Jesus.” I’m ready to clock out now.
— ﾌ乇ㄒ卄尺ㄖ 卩尺乇丂ㄒㄖ (@J_Prestoo) December 20, 2018
2.
So uh Chloe has known I’ve wanted airpods for Christmas, so she made them for me. All by herself pic.twitter.com/Z42z2YPgeq
— Jennayee又 (@rx__queen) December 20, 2018
3.
my guinea pig tasted a lemon today pic.twitter.com/Y1OiFQZEZe
— internet clown (@leftovercroc) December 19, 2018
4.
Any one of us would be lucky to be remembered like this. https://t.co/CzaL2HdcRq
— Ian G. Karmel (@IanKarmel) December 21, 2018
5.
Girl: Rearrange my 𝓰𝓾𝓽𝓼 daddy
Surgeon: Why isn’t she under anesthesia
Anesthesiologists: She’s under so much anesthesia
— john patrick: future president (@john_from_hr) December 19, 2018
6.
Asked mom why the cat keeps trying to dig in the couch. So I guess I’m making couch cushion forts with my cat on my day off. What in the actual hell 😅 pic.twitter.com/41oPeaF0kT
— Waffle Daddy (@AlainaLucius) December 19, 2018
7.
me pushing myself to leave my comfort zone pic.twitter.com/0bf5ktkXBJ
— yasmeen (@yasmeentxt) December 19, 2018
8.
Dudes named James have so much pressure at an early age. Will they stick with the nerdy name james, or go by the business casual name Jim, or the sporty outgoing Jimmy, or the feminine gentle name Jamie, or be super goofy and go by Jimbo
— gregg (@Gregggyboy) December 19, 2018
9.
Abby is a thicc girl
What an absolute unit
She c h o n k
Look at the size of this lady
OH LAWD SHE COMIN
Another Internetism ! pic.twitter.com/s5fav2gu09— Monterey Bay Aquarium (@MontereyAq) December 18, 2018
10.
I followed my ex’s new girl on IG to peep what she look like & this bitch changed the caption on one of her pictures to “Hi Kelsie” LMAOOOOOO I’m crine
— guera (@kelsieesquibel) December 17, 2018
11.
My 13yr old sister just asked me why my dog was dressed like shalissa, I asked her who’s that… pic.twitter.com/0m5kd3YZW0
— B¡ll¥ (@BillyNewhall_) December 15, 2018
12.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
— Sweatpants Cher ⚪️ (@House_Feminist) December 18, 2018
13.
i know the internet has fundamentally broken me cause i just laughed about this for a solid 45 seconds pic.twitter.com/4II83hoaga
— Cates Holderness (@catesish) December 19, 2018
14.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
— 2 Weeks until Kingdom Hearts 3!!! (@IBParker) December 15, 2018
15.
learned from the pain n turned out amazin ! pic.twitter.com/8ACDV4dWvB
— dan *・°☆. (@gIimmerin) December 17, 2018
16.
So this happened yesterday.. My little sister thought she could guard me lol 😂Then my mom came on the court 💙 pic.twitter.com/W7zLJp6Keb
— 𝓓𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓻𝓮 𝓐𝓵𝓮𝔁𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻 ✪ (@Due2e_D) December 16, 2018
17.
https://twitter.com/naaeee__xx/status/1074840406221877249
18.
Sooo do I live out of a suitcase for the next month? Do I unpack just so I have to repack again? Do I put my toothbrush back in the bathroom? I’m a visitor in my own house what the heck
— lauren (@_laurenn_j) December 14, 2018
19.
Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??
— kelly (@kelkatcox) December 15, 2018
20.
i’ve had a couple of days to think about it and i’ve decided: this is my favourite ever instagram post pic.twitter.com/6So4GdlHa5
— Honkin' on Bobo (@DukeLathem) December 15, 2018
21.
Our dragon holiday display got fan mail! (And apparently the "true meaning of Christmas" involves judgmental bullshit?) 😂 pic.twitter.com/7NLZKkEW2x
— Diana Rowland (@dianarowland) December 15, 2018
22.
A woman shouted "Rihanna would fucking hate you!" at her friend from across the bar and the friend instantly burst into sobs. This bar already earned its cover charge.
— Ben Philippe (@gohomeben) December 16, 2018