Mike
Every week I put together this list of funny twitter jokes. Some old tweets, some new tweets, all funny tweets. I never run out. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes, and here’s what came up in the bucket this week.
1.
My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015
2.
https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/567759753087299584
3.
https://twitter.com/DragonflyJonez/status/1108844544081231873
4.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
— aaron yin (@aaronflarin) March 20, 2019
5.
In honor of Woodstock’s 50th anniversary I am going to shit on the ground
— subscribe to Grace Spelman Music Project (@GraceSpelman) March 21, 2019
6.
Stop making new flavors of Diet Coke. The original flavor, chemicals, is already perfect.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 21, 2019
7.
ideal relationship: she goes inside to buy smokes while i pump $9 worth of unleaded gas into the car. she’s wearing pajamas and i’m wearing a jersey for a player who hasn’t played on that team in 5 years
— kelbin (@pissboymcgee) March 20, 2019
8.
https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/524512817735794688?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E524512817735794688&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fpleated-jeans.com%2F2019%2F04%2F26%2Fbest-jokes-on-twitter%2F
9.
spending $90 all at once: BAD
spending $30 three days in a row: somehow good
— common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) March 19, 2019
10.
the crazy bread facebook page agreed to remove a pic of crazy bread after i reported it for being “too crazy” pic.twitter.com/IBeeeZeynT
— slick (@dlicj) September 11, 2018
11.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog— ret (@rad_milk) January 18, 2018
12.
https://twitter.com/fredboycolor/status/1107273187425947656
13.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die— that can't be my name for real (@izaaking) March 17, 2019
14.
You sit down on a couch in JK Rowling’s house and she’s like, “Careful, Dumbledore got railed there.”
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 17, 2019
15.
When my parents went to Ireland with my grandfather who hadn't been there in 25 years he took them to his favorite pub. When they went in a guy at the bar said "oh god he's back"
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) March 17, 2019