Mike
Every week I put together this list of funny twitter jokes. Some old tweets, some new tweets, all funny tweets. I never run out. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes, and here’s what came up in the bucket this week.
1.
My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015
2.
You see, son, it's called "o'clock" because the Irish invented time.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) February 17, 2015
3.
Mike Trout got a face like if I went to Lowe's and was shopping for a lawnmower and he was helping me, I'd know I was in good hands.
— Aye throw that Boyz II Men on (@DragonflyJonez) March 21, 2019
4.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
— not aaron (@aaronneedshelp) March 20, 2019
5.
In honor of Woodstock’s 50th anniversary I am going to shit on the ground
— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) March 21, 2019
6.
Stop making new flavors of Diet Coke. The original flavor, chemicals, is already perfect.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 21, 2019
7.
ideal relationship: she goes inside to buy smokes while i pump $9 worth of unleaded gas into the car. she’s wearing pajamas and i’m wearing a jersey for a player who hasn’t played on that team in 5 years
— kelbin (@pissboymcgee) March 20, 2019
8.
4yo son barged in as I was exiting the shower, and he stopped and made a sweeping gesture and asked "When did all of this happen to you?"
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 21, 2014
9.
spending $90 all at once: BAD
spending $30 three days in a row: somehow good
— common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) March 19, 2019
10.
the crazy bread facebook page agreed to remove a pic of crazy bread after i reported it for being “too crazy” pic.twitter.com/IBeeeZeynT
— slick (@dlicj) September 11, 2018
11.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog— everett byram (@rad_milk) January 18, 2018
12.
getting fired from my job as a high school history teacher for making my students do research to find out which historical figures were tall as hell and should have been hoopin
— fred (@fredboycolor) March 17, 2019
13.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die— the outside man (@izaaking) March 17, 2019
14.
You sit down on a couch in JK Rowling’s house and she’s like, “Careful, Dumbledore got railed there.”
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 17, 2019
15.
When my parents went to Ireland with my grandfather who hadn't been there in 25 years he took them to his favorite pub. When they went in a guy at the bar said "oh god he's back"
— chip malfunction (@online_shawn) March 17, 2019