Mike
I know you’re busy, but this joke list really shouldn’t be missed this week.
These 15 tweets have been carefully curated from some of the funniest people online.
Now, if you finish this list and feel the need to comment something like: “I didn’t think any of these were funny.” That’s fine, but then go lie down in the street. Pretty sure we don’t need you.
1.
https://twitter.com/parsfarce/status/1140929252168126465
2.
https://twitter.com/Gooooats/status/1141371857666334721
3.
https://twitter.com/theshrillest/status/1140792398542323713
4.
[during sex]
Me: hurt me
Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows
Me: wait
Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 19, 2019
5.
DON DRAPER: What do Democratic voters want? They want clapback. They want “Yas Kween.” They want [unveils exclusive BOY BYE wallpaper] the tea, sis
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) June 17, 2019
6.
https://twitter.com/LailaSain/status/1141184057524535310
7.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
— Conajam (@conajam) June 14, 2019
8.
https://twitter.com/vvitchymama/status/1140069829568794625
9.
[carefully puts turds in pocket] pic.twitter.com/MsZHrDnOmf
— The dumb ignorabt shit head (@UrplePingOh) June 18, 2019
10.
protip: the best way to remember something is to keep it in an open tab forever
— Yuri Victor 🖤 (@yurivictor) June 17, 2019
11.
https://twitter.com/dorsalstream/status/1140248607444099074
12.
https://twitter.com/mikefossey/status/1134212673212690432
13.
[bagging groceries for a cute girl] I've quadruple bagged the bananas, don't want these sensitive boys getting bruised xD hahaha. Have a day as beautiful as yourself ok? 🙂 [turning to next customer in line who is a guy] Fuck You
— Boots, 'with the fur' (@afraidofwasps) June 12, 2019
14.
Your body is a temple? Hell no
Your body is filled with blood, brains, eyeballs and a skeleton.
Your body is a haunted house bro
— Shayne Topp (@supershayne) June 3, 2019
15.
me: do you have a favorite book
her: 1984
me: that’s too many
— david (@_elvishpresley_) June 19, 2019