I know you’re busy, but this joke list really shouldn’t be missed this week.
Now, if you finish this list and feel the need to comment something like: “I didn’t think any of these were funny.” That’s fine, but then go lie down in the street. Pretty sure we don’t need you.
[patting wife on the shoulder supportively while she’s giving birth, whispering in her ear] i might leave soon
— fungbunger (@parsfarce) June 18, 2019
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he's my biological dog.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) June 19, 2019
my toddler whenever I'm trying to have a conversation with my wife pic.twitter.com/9PcAJlqf2V
— offseason shrill (@theshrillest) June 18, 2019
Me: hurt me
Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows
Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 19, 2019
DON DRAPER: What do Democratic voters want? They want clapback. They want “Yas Kween.” They want [unveils exclusive BOY BYE wallpaper] the tea, sis
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) June 17, 2019
everyone is telling me to post this so Incase you missed my snap story 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/ggwBVYcToU
— Laila🌹 (@LailaSain) June 19, 2019
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me: you don’t remember me do you?
— Conajam (@conajam) June 14, 2019
Me @ the scholastics book fair in elementary school wishing my mom sent me with more money pic.twitter.com/bXTgHVmS4s
— ditch witch (@vvitchymama) June 16, 2019
[carefully puts turds in pocket] pic.twitter.com/MsZHrDnOmf
— Urple Incogzero (@NotUrplePingo) June 18, 2019
protip: the best way to remember something is to keep it in an open tab forever
— Yuri Victor 🖤 (@yurivictor) June 17, 2019
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
— RM (@dorsalstream) June 16, 2019
Pouring a shot of liquor in my belly button and duct taping over it to bring it to a party
— Mike F (@mikefossey) May 30, 2019
[bagging groceries for a cute girl] I've quadruple bagged the bananas, don't want these sensitive boys getting bruised xD hahaha. Have a day as beautiful as yourself ok? 🙂 [turning to next customer in line who is a guy] Fuck You
— Boots, 'with the fur' (@afraidofwasps) June 12, 2019
Your body is a temple? Hell no
Your body is filled with blood, brains, eyeballs and a skeleton.
Your body is a haunted house bro
— Shayne Topp (@supershayne) June 3, 2019
me: do you have a favorite book
me: that’s too many
— Elvish Presley (@_elvishpresley_) June 19, 2019