Mike
I know you’re busy, but this joke list really shouldn’t be missed this week.
These 15 tweets have been carefully curated from some of the funniest people online.
Now, if you finish this list and feel the need to comment something like: “I didn’t think any of these were funny.” That’s fine, but then go lie down in the street. Pretty sure we don’t need you.
1.
[patting wife on the shoulder supportively while she’s giving birth, whispering in her ear] i might leave soon
— fungbunger (@parsfarce) June 18, 2019
2.
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he's my biological dog.— Goats? (@Gooooats) June 19, 2019
3.
my toddler whenever I'm trying to have a conversation with my wife pic.twitter.com/9PcAJlqf2V
— offseason shrill (@theshrillest) June 18, 2019
4.
[during sex]
Me: hurt me
Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows
Me: wait
Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 19, 2019
5.
DON DRAPER: What do Democratic voters want? They want clapback. They want “Yas Kween.” They want [unveils exclusive BOY BYE wallpaper] the tea, sis
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) June 17, 2019
6.
https://twitter.com/LailaSain/status/1141184057524535310
7.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
— Conajam (@conajam) June 14, 2019
8.
Me @ the scholastics book fair in elementary school wishing my mom sent me with more money pic.twitter.com/bXTgHVmS4s
— ditch witch (@vvitchymama) June 16, 2019
9.
[carefully puts turds in pocket] pic.twitter.com/MsZHrDnOmf
— Urple Incogzero (@NotUrplePingo) June 18, 2019
10.
protip: the best way to remember something is to keep it in an open tab forever
— Yuri Victor 🖤 (@yurivictor) June 17, 2019
11.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
— RM (@dorsalstream) June 16, 2019
12.
Pouring a shot of liquor in my belly button and duct taping over it to bring it to a party
— Mike F (@mikefossey) May 30, 2019
13.
[bagging groceries for a cute girl] I've quadruple bagged the bananas, don't want these sensitive boys getting bruised xD hahaha. Have a day as beautiful as yourself ok? 🙂 [turning to next customer in line who is a guy] Fuck You
— Nicolas_Dream (@afraidofwasps) June 12, 2019
14.
Your body is a temple? Hell no
Your body is filled with blood, brains, eyeballs and a skeleton.
Your body is a haunted house bro
— Shayne Topp (@supershayne) June 3, 2019
15.
me: do you have a favorite book
her: 1984
me: that’s too many
— Elvish Presley (@_elvishpresley_) June 19, 2019