Mike
On my friend’s 21st birthday we were all going out drinking. Before he left, his grandfather told him if he really wanted to drink everyone under the table he should drink 3 shots of olive oil to “coat his stomach.” So he did, and as soon as we got to the bar he shit his pants.
1.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
— Maya Murillo (@mayainthemoment) October 22, 2019
2.
Me, writing an email:
I’m using an exclamation point so you know I’m friendly and excited! But now I’m using a period so that you know I’m not crazy. Here’s another sentence with a period as a buffer, proving my normalness. Thanks so much!
— Grace Segers (@Grace_Segers) October 24, 2019
3.
They really put this shit on the freeway like all of us wouldn’t take our phones out while traveling at 65+ miles an hour and take a dumbass picture pic.twitter.com/2tRHQbnHpl
— cris_david (@Cris_David2) October 21, 2019
4.
when ur reading a book ur literally just staring at a dead tree and hallucinating
— will (@trulyeI) October 22, 2019
5.
Y’all still pull your luggage? 🤔🤭 amateurs. #lifehacks pic.twitter.com/RtcG1zQUlh
— D Rose (@DamnDRoseTweets) October 19, 2019
6.
I’m Never Gone Grow Up 🤦🏿♂️ My Momma Thought It Was A 👻 Talking Bout She Was Fena Go Get Her Glock 😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/DHoHYT6lAN
— WILL (@WILLTHEGENARAL) October 17, 2019
7.
almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday
— bam its sam✨ (@saaamscottt6) October 16, 2019
8. An oldie but a goodie.
Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend’s house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw
— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016
9.
These are called “billionaire bangs” and you get them from a stylist who hates you, and keep them because your friends know you can’t take a joke. pic.twitter.com/ND6Z8QO2lw
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) October 23, 2019
10.
the best clip to start the NBA season is this kid baiting the broadcast into flashing a “Fight for freedom stand with Hong Kong” sign on TV and then the cameraman pans away pic.twitter.com/B30ubY63CX
— Rod Breslau (@Slasher) October 23, 2019
11.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶— TF Noir (@TFNoir) October 21, 2019
12.
I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”
— ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* (@notreallysophie) October 20, 2019
13. Sound on.
a moment in american history we will never forget pic.twitter.com/oYi9VzjjbO
— E🙇🏻♂️ (@heylias) October 19, 2019
14.
Ahh it’s almost Ska Season pic.twitter.com/IXdIlmm0A7
— 🎃Feardo Weirdo🎃 (@DVNT_Pinkie) October 22, 2019
15.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
— Chillie Franxiety (@onyxaminedlife) October 20, 2019