Mike
I’d say I can’t believe you missed these tweets this week but of course you did. You rely on me to provide them every Friday. That’s fine, baby birds. Daddy is here to regurgitate the funnies into those screaming beaks.
1.
Can’t believe I spent 11 years of my life asking teachers if I was allowed to use the bathroom and sometimes be told no? What the fuck
— big stupid dumbass (@andreagoesmeow) February 9, 2020
2.
I feel like cars should be allowed to hit each other a little bit and not have it be a THING you know?
— m a x w i t t e r t (@waxmittert) February 11, 2020
3.
kids these days care too much about tik tok and not enough about tiktaalik, the Devonian era half-fish half-tetrapod that transitioned vertebrates from ocean to land. pic.twitter.com/PtfpvAz704
— Bris Angel (@Cryptoterra) February 11, 2020
4.
im crying i hate this what the fuck his body just flew away pic.twitter.com/ASlOYrLBPb
— lil dummy (@sextingchrist) February 9, 2020
5.
ａｓｋ ｎｏｔ ｆｏｒ
ｗｈｏｍ ｔｈｅ ｂａｊａ ｂｌａｓｔｓ；
ｉｔ ｂｌａｓｔｓ ｆｏｒ
ｔｈｅｅ— SUNBATHER (@xsunbather) February 12, 2020
6.
Meeting a new person is like being undercover, such a rush. All your past sins are unknown. Totally clean slate. You can be anyone. But you won’t. You’ll be you again, except somehow twice as much.
— Sweetie in chief (@InternetHippo) February 14, 2020
7.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
— mike bloomborg (no relation) (@hippieswordfish) February 12, 2020
8.
tony hawk you have 24 hours to respond pic.twitter.com/YLenNrwVh9
— Josh Denson (@notjoshdenson) February 12, 2020
9.
(to guy who’s lunch looks a little bigger than mine) you think you’re hungrier than me dude? fuck you
— slick (@dlicj) February 11, 2020
10.
Flame borrowed my vest and now she looks like a turtle pic.twitter.com/6xemHcC1KH
— Blair Braverman (@BlairBraverman) February 9, 2020
11.
Pokémon go die in a tornado pic.twitter.com/eAcIYdZDVD
— Ursa the bear cop (@RealBearHours) February 8, 2020
12.
TODAY’S POEM
When things are really crappy,
It’s best to cuddle a duck,
When life seems far from happy,
It’s best not to give a
great deal of over-thinking to the present unpropitious circumstances . pic.twitter.com/GKOyYoyJNw— Sam Neill (@TwoPaddocks) February 8, 2020
13.
Uh yeah, you could say I’m up to “two packs a day” 😉 pic.twitter.com/8ZcDUsscRM
— Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) February 8, 2020
14.
what… and I mean the fuck pic.twitter.com/a4LN2qHccQ
— Allyiah✨ (@AllyiahsFace) February 13, 2020
15.
why all the hot girls from the same country? like where even is 🏳️🌈?
— 🧑🏾🎤 (@workingoncrying) February 12, 2020