I found the best tweets from this week so you don’t have to, because I love you. Not in a creepy way. I love you like a stepdad. I don’t have to love you, but I do.
I wasn’t worried about coronavirus until I see RAMBO wearing gloves! pic.twitter.com/EEIUhENdpM
— John Layfield (@JCLayfield) March 10, 2020
We’ve made the difficult decision to cancel currently scheduled Wienermobile events for the near future. The health & safety of our fans, the Hotdoggers & the public is top priority. We look forward to getting back on the hot dog highway as soon as we can. Stay safe everyone 💛
— WIENERMOBILE (@Wienermobile) March 12, 2020
The year is 2024. Coronavirus was worse than we expected. Toilet paper has been gone for 3 yrs. I have over 250 rolls from not wiping my ass for yrs. The police are approaching. They have surrounded my home. My gun is loaded aiming at the door. They want my paper. This is the end
— WhitePeopleHumor (@whitememejesus) March 12, 2020
You’re telling me my professor who can’t stop the YouTube autoplayer from playing the next video is going to teach classes online? This should be good.
— Nikki Insana (@NikkiInsana) March 11, 2020
i’ve only been working from home for four days and i’m already fully losing my mind. talking to myself, laughing at nothing, seeing a talking badger named duncan who tells me to drink all the purell in my apartment. how do work from home people do this
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 13, 2020
important questions to ask your pet if you’re working from home:
– are you at work?
– are we working together?
– did you forget to wear your pants?
– are we coworkers?
– are you the employee of the month?
– are you my supervisor?
– who hired you?
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) March 12, 2020
Mario is always running around in castles, driving a go-kart, playing tennis, shit like that. Awesome. Maybe after your lunch break you could fix a toilet or something you fucking degenerate
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) March 10, 2020
the doctor after i pee in that little cup pic.twitter.com/THmaFeaZou
— illy 🦁 (@illymation) March 8, 2020
I’m sorry but this is how you do the meme pic.twitter.com/XMIWc5bvL4
— Taylor Lorenz (@TaylorLorenz) March 9, 2020
gonna become a soccer guy. tweeting “absolute fucking disgrace” at like 7 AM before any North American should reasonably be reacting to anything.
— eat the rich gang: tha tour pt 1 (@matrixreloaded_) March 8, 2020
— Mando💰 (@Mando_S23) March 12, 2020
Humans are intelligent, but also:
– won’t drink Corona because they think they’ll get a virus
– stop at the top of escalators
– say supposably
– get killed by vending machines
– won’t answer my texts please Jenny I miss you
— tom (@pilau) March 12, 2020
someone is 100% reanimating a mummy in there https://t.co/4VREG3iTgS
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) March 12, 2020
— Long Live GiGi (@ItsMartino_) March 11, 2020
me: you guys working remotely or remotely working haha
literally everyone on my work chat: shut the fuck up dan
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 12, 2020