Mike
I’m sure you had time to read all the great tweets this week but just in case you didn’t here are the 25 best. Funny jokes are good medicine.
1.
dewey decimal when he walked into a library for the first time pic.twitter.com/aPCAYPM96Z
— noor (@unoorthodox) April 22, 2020
2.
therapist: so…you fight penguins and clowns?
batman: jesus christ, for the tenth time, it’s THE penguin and one SPECIFIC clown
— the hype (discount the devil) (@TheHyyyype) April 23, 2020
3.
shakespeare: life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then
me: ok i think we’re just gonna go with “is a highway”
— a bigger boat (@drankturpentine) April 18, 2020
4.
Can Bigfoot or aliens get Coronavirus I need to know because I have had contact with them
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 18, 2020
5.
Soup? You mean hot cracker sauce
— Hi, it’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) April 22, 2020
6.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like “Sir you are trespassing on private property” and I’m like “I have squatters rights!” and they’re like “You have not lived here long enough to have squatters rights” and they arrest me and it’s a whole thing
— the drake gatsby 🏠 (@DrakeGatsby) April 21, 2020
7.
there’s really nothing special about penguins mating for life, it’s not like a penguin’s gonna find a sexier penguin to cheat with
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 20, 2020
8.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance. pic.twitter.com/5yxmoa2mg4
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) April 19, 2020
9.
What the HELL are you doing pic.twitter.com/sNDRDp1DPQ
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) April 19, 2020
10.
nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl
— lil uzi hurt (@LameAsChris) April 18, 2020
11.
Gym people: This is a simple exercise you can do at home with no Gym equipment
The exercise: pic.twitter.com/Ib6aLxbhgS
— Crackhead (@CobhozaR) April 18, 2020
12.
i’ve had such a nice day with my book. took it outside. took it back inside. rested a cup on it. put it on the shelf. took it off the shelf. didn’t open it but
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) April 19, 2020
13.
Meanwhile there is a Disney movie playing out in backyard. Kendi and this wild crow are besties now.
jinxtheclown IG
• pic.twitter.com/ReCiLd4FsI— Snezana🌷 (@BgSnezana) April 23, 2020
14.
She got absolutely owned by Alex Trebek and deserved it pic.twitter.com/WTYvFueLPo
— 🥺😈 (@olivia_vault) April 22, 2020
15.
i owe the Jurassic Park franchise an apology, it is in fact very realistic the rich would reopen a park in spite of it consistently resulting in mass death
— Brett (@Relentlessbored) April 22, 2020
16.
Old McDonald’s: now a farm https://t.co/2hCIGAaEhE
— Ben Bong (@Mrs_Foo_Cough) April 21, 2020
17.
Must be Dutch with a name like that https://t.co/wWXtAPd6II
— Paul_Ed (@eddo75) April 18, 2020
18.
little known fact, there is a phantom for every type of theatre. you never want to meet the phantom of the improv
— Jamie McKelvie (@McKelvie) April 19, 2020
19.
Me eating my $7 sandwich that I paid $50 for on Uber Eats pic.twitter.com/jdR8KYwhFs
— Anthony Moore (@AllThatandMoore) April 17, 2020
20.
every smug introvert during covid pic.twitter.com/TF5JKeWAAq
— vidyAAAAAARGH (@vidyarrrr) April 17, 2020
21.
My wife “took” me on a date to the movies. It was stupid cute and VERY expensive. 💜 pic.twitter.com/GiXoPPAGUP
— Allison Reese (@monsterreese) April 24, 2020
22.
My great aunt’s petty ass told my mom to come outside for a birthday surprise and didn’t even slow down pic.twitter.com/sWATbgXoT6
— no i not (@freeze_no) April 23, 2020
23.
JEWISH PUPPY!!
JEWISH PUPPY!! pic.twitter.com/Kl5xIQMTHu— William Vanilliam✡️🔥🤦🏽♂️ (@EvelKneidel) April 22, 2020
24.
me to my spinach after I cook it pic.twitter.com/5r7IZphpV0
— salad (@defnotsally) April 22, 2020
25.
maybe were the problem pic.twitter.com/iWs6CxyWPf
— blue (@vampirebIues) April 22, 2020