Mike
I’m sure you had time to read all the great tweets this week but just in case you didn’t here are the 25 best. Funny jokes are good medicine.
1.
if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay
— al (@local__celeb) May 24, 2020
2.
My Close Friends list is for only my most enduring friendships and also ten people I've never spoken to but I think have "good energy"
— walker (@walkercapl) May 24, 2020
3.
https://twitter.com/chisakanon/status/1264971049248096256?s=20
4.
https://twitter.com/sistersome/status/1264986483280265217?s=20
5.
*books a quick flight to Kansas City*
*sprints from airport to this sign*
*gasps for breath*
so….does…your…mom pic.twitter.com/yFctv0GEUz— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) May 25, 2020
6.
To all who have served a hot breakfast. pic.twitter.com/RPypJzcxSW
— Terry Brown™️ (@TBrown_80) May 25, 2020
7.
https://twitter.com/victoriaxxviii/status/1265635189063065603?s=20
8.
https://twitter.com/BrendanDaGawd/status/1264619887353139200?s=20
9.
https://twitter.com/drankturpentine/status/1264737706954784768?s=20
10.
https://twitter.com/samaracello/status/1264211335425990657?s=20
11.
https://twitter.com/Browtweaten/status/1263831327079575553?s=20
12.
my ex unendorsed me for communication on linkedin
— Andrew (@andr3w) May 25, 2020
13.
https://twitter.com/dosesofkae_/status/1264937534259421184?s=20
14.
I never understood all the fuss around interfaith marriage. Then I watched my non-Jewish husband cut a bagel like this, and honestly, I get it now. pic.twitter.com/6W1rNw7S8R
— ShiraGold (@shirajgold) May 26, 2020
15.
https://twitter.com/dykefataIe/status/1264883705778241537?s=20
16.
yeah you have to put the mask on. you gotta equip it. can't just have it in your inventory
— @philjamesson.com on bsky (@PhilJamesson) May 25, 2020
17.
To me, if you’re a “tea instead of coffee” person, you carry this purse pic.twitter.com/G2rz3hkhnA
— gabbi (@GabbiBoyd) May 25, 2020
18.
the grocery store is coming out with some new groceries this year
— slick (@dlicj) May 25, 2020
19.
Gollum… Dobby… there was a time when buying a ticket to the movies meant you were about to see a truly disgusting little freak
— Zach Dunn (@zachbdunn) May 27, 2020
20.
6 week seminar on how to control your dreams once you get your master's degree you will be put in an induced coma for whatever time you choose to enter your controlled dream life contact Morgan if interested
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 26, 2020
21.
Computer: set password
Me: 2020
Computer: password is too long
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) May 29, 2020
22.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
— Boog (@bewgtweets) May 27, 2020
23.
https://twitter.com/a_busy_woman/status/1265141598956015617?s=20
24.
https://twitter.com/keatsfanclub/status/1259875135449751552?s=20
25.
haven’t been tweeting because i finished being mentally ill. good luck to the rest of you
— saint cignatius (@saintcignatius) May 11, 2020