Dreams. We have them every night. Often, we forget them by the time we’re eating breakfast. Some dreams, however, stick with us. Recurring dreams can haunt us for a lifetime. Ask the hundreds of people posting their strange and banal sleep puzzles on r/Dreams. Amateur dream interpretations are all the rage, but some people want professional help.
When people can’t understand their recurring dreams and nightmares, that’s where I come in. I am here to interpret your dreams for you. I am a professional comedian with absolutely no background in clinical psychology except for the Psych 101 class I took (pass-fail) in college.
Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist, but I have been in therapy for a long time.
Here are a few dream interpretations that will give you a better idea of what your subconscious is trying to tell you:
1. “My Boyfriend and The Sun” Dream
Interpretation: In dreams, the Sun represents energy levels. The fact that it is crashing into Earth in pieces is a sure sign your boyfriend is kicking you at night, interrupting your sleep, Get separate beds. No need to tell him why.
2. “The Going to War” Dream
Interpretation: Dreaming that you’re a soldier in battle is your subconscious telling you that the stress in your interpersonal relationships makes you feel under attack. Perhaps your mom didn’t get the right kind of peanut butter from the grocery store and you’re taking it personally. You’re treating her like the enemy when she just wants to help you. Or you’re playing too many damn video games about war (something I’m sure your mother has already told you). Get out of the basement. The snake and the ocean in this dream represent your fear of being sucked into Grad School, but you should go. Grow up.
3. “Older Passive-Aggressive Man and Castration” Dream
Interpretation: Any dream where the testicles fall off is a kind of subconscious wish fulfillment wherein the dreamer actually wishes to return to innocence, and be removed from the adult world of sexual desire. The man in the dream however is simply trying to tell you that smoking is cool. He wants you to tell your square parents that you think it’s cool as hell to smoke cigarettes. You’re the man. Cigarettes in dreams, however, represent a masturbatory oral fixation, and you’ve just outed yourself to the entire internet that you, frequently, have attempted to suck your own penis.
4. “The Unicorn Guidance” Dream
Interpretation: While unicorns have recently become Lisa Frank’d by our current culture as something cute and magical, medieval lore tells us that unicorns are the evil nemesis of horses. Horses represent trustworthiness and therefore letting yourself be guided by the “false horse” (complete with phallic imagery on its head) means that you’re contemplating a secret affair. I hope your husband is not reading this article. Anyway, good painting!
5. “Falling in Love” Dream
Interpretation: Seeking the comfort of fictional lovers in dreams simply means that you’re hungry and your infantile wish for a parent to bring you food is the comfort you’re actually seeking. Trying eating a really big meal right before bed.
6. “Faceless Executioner with Melting Axe” Dream
Interpretation: Axe Deodorant Body Spray is the culprit here. Their ad campaigns aimed at associating themselves with male virility have entered your subconscious and now all you can dream about is the liquid axe coming for the olfactory senses of women. Stop watching so much TV.
7. “Comfort in Nakedness” Dream
Interpretation: The common “being naked in public” dream interpretation is a fear of embarrassment. If you’re comfortable being naked in a dream, however, it means you are a sociopath who does not register public shame. You will either become a serial killer or an actor. Best of luck!
8. “Bodily Harm” Dream
Interpretation: The fear of being shot or stabbed in America only has one interpretation: you’re actually scared of this happening to you. The fact that you’re not frightened in the dream means you have accepted your fate. It’s probably gonna happen sooner rather than later. It’s a shame.
9. “Sex with Escorts” Dream
Interpretation: Dreaming that you’ve paid for sex is actually your subconscious processing the payment of taxes to the government. They take too much, you’re never satisfied with the results, but make no mistake: you’re losing money, and they’re screwing you.
10. “The Childhood Home” Dream
Interpretation: Dreaming of a childhood home (especially in suburbia) is a fantasy of returning to a time when you didn’t have any contact with the lower castes. It’s a classist and racist dream, and I hope you feel a deep, deep shame.
11. “The Proverbial Bowser and Curious George” Dream
Interpretation: You are disgusting!! I have contacted the police.