25 Most Retweeted Tweets From The Weekend You Missed While Touching Grass

So, you went outside this weekend.

You touched the grass. You felt the sun on your face like some kind of medieval peasant. You may have even spoken to another human being using your literal mouth, exchanging air and words and possibly germs. I’m proud of you. I mean it. That takes courage, or at least a working pair of legs.

And while you were out there doing all of that — hydrating, socializing, becoming a more well-rounded person — I was indoors. Curtains drawn. Phone two inches from my face. Thumb cramping into a permanent scrolling shape. I refreshed that timeline so many times my battery filed a formal complaint. I did not eat. I did not blink. I did this for you.

Because somebody has to. The internet does not pause just because you decided to “have a life” and “go to brunch.” Things happened. Big things. Stupid things. Things that got retweeted into the stratosphere while you were busy being a functional adult.

So here it is: everything you missed, curated by a man who has clearly missed nothing else worth missing. Am I a hero? I don’t like to call myself one. But you can. Please do, actually.

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