15 Twitter Jokes You’re Not Going To Want To Miss Today
Twitter is a neverending stream of jokes. Lately, it’s been clogged up with a lot of news and negative stuff, but the jokes are still there. You just have to know where to look. Lucky for you, I know where to find them. That’s why every week I handpick some of the best and bring them here for you. I’m nice like that. Enjoy.
1.
My 7 rules for book writing
1. Spelling
2. Have a Frankenstein in it
3. Do not talk about Book Writing
4. Do not talk about Book Writing
5. It should take place on a boat
6. A scene where a guy splits a bullet in half with a sword
7. Have a nice plant on your writing desk— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) November 15, 2018
2.
Finally the long awaited sequel to Mambo no. 5 pic.twitter.com/wOWRkhpJyT
— Unrated No Check Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) November 5, 2018
3.
doctor: i'm afraid he may never wake up from his coma
my wife: on his will it says he's left all his updog to you
doctor: what is updog
my wife: i don't know
[my body starts convulsing]
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) November 10, 2018
4.
https://twitter.com/SortaBad/status/1054921999447818240
5.
Scientist: how can we make condoms better, more enjoyable and efficient?
Frog: rib it
Scientist: someone get that fucking frog out of here— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) January 16, 2015
6.
When your dog dies, he should be contractually obligated to visit you in a dream and tell you he loved you too.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) November 22, 2013
7.
*hits snooze* ok, I have 9 minutes to get my life together before I get up.
— jo 🚁 (@whatsJo) February 13, 2018
8.
pistachios huh. what’s that like a vegan clam
— ret (@rad_milk) November 16, 2018
9.
https://twitter.com/Ygrene/status/1062107761985642496
10.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don't recognize it.— Steve vs. Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) October 8, 2018
11.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) October 22, 2018
12.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy's head. Nice. I'll add blush in post. pic.twitter.com/nE6TKV9nyP
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) April 26, 2016
13.
https://twitter.com/kyry5/status/1042230466479239168
14.
https://twitter.com/sonictyrant/status/1057039464680316928
15.
https://twitter.com/PostCultRev/status/951866276669894656