15 Twitter Jokes Everyone Should Read

Every week I put together this list of Twitter jokes, and every week at least one of them makes me LOL. Like actually LOL. Which is crazy to me because I’ve been doing it for like 5 years. You’d think I’d eventually get numb to them, but nope.

1.

I wish Mary Poppins Returns was just Mary coming back for something she left and flying off, not greeting anyone.

— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) December 17, 2018

2.

https://twitter.com/KarenKilgariff/status/1080543378977116160

3.

https://twitter.com/mariskreizman/status/987835077186019328

4.

https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/564171596303458304

5.

https://twitter.com/Kendragarden/status/937446101707145216

6.

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

— vladchoc (@vladchoc) June 7, 2012

7.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"

— Jessie 🦇 (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014

8.

https://twitter.com/NickBossRoss/status/737881418735456256

9.

Sorry you thought I was hitting on you when I smiled. I was flirting with your dog.

— shauna (@goldengateblond) December 13, 2018

10.

me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night

me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener

— Neek (@babyltaly) April 18, 2019

11.

Every day that I’m not a reclusive groundskeeper to an old Victorian estate with a horrifying backstory is a day lost.

— Doth (@DothTheDoth) December 4, 2018

12.

https://twitter.com/DanaSchwartzzz/status/1071545583255531520

13.

https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/615855365717106688

14.

https://twitter.com/aparnapkin/status/1078090359513714688

15.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 26, 2018