Fun & Games

My grandpa and I played the Silent Game all afternoon. And no matter how many times I challenged him to a rematch, he always won. It wasn’t until later that I realized what his winning strategy was: death.

I think Texas Hold ‘Em would be more interesting to watch on TV if, instead of the winner earning all the poker chips, he earned his freedom from a locked box filled with angry raccoons.

With my sister still stuck way back in the Candy Cane Forest, I successfully emerged from Gum Drop Mountain. Mom entered – “Alright you two, off with your clothes and into the tub.” “Aww mom,” I whined. “No complaints,” she replied. “It’s Sunday and I need to give you both a good scrubbing.” “Do we have to do it together?” my sister asked. “Yes!” she replied. “Honestly, you both have been so argumentative ever since you graduated college. Now march!”

We made a good team. He spent his time working on the “Across” questions of the crossword, and I spent my time watching the girls’ locker room through the hole in the wall.

“How about Stratego?” he said, pulling the box from the closet. “Is that the one where each player is given a knife, stripped naked, and forced to kill or be killed in a barbaric battle royale?” I asked. “Um, no,” he said with a twinge of revulsion. “Oh,” I replied. “Well, can we play that one instead?”

Chinese checkers is pretty much the same as regular checkers. Except, instead of using two colors of flat wooden pieces, they use dog meat.

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Yo Gran, Thanks So Much For the Shark Tooth Necklace!

Yo Gran,

Thanks so much for the shark tooth necklace!! You are the dopest! Ever since that plastic ruby fell out of the eye of my skull-and-cross-bones necklace, I’ve been on the prowl for an even edgier replacement! And Gran, you hit the nail RIGHT ON THE HEAD with this one!

I mean, this piece of bling is PERFECT! It sends just the right message. I wore it out to the club when me and my bros went out for my birthday, and you should have seen the kind of vibe this piece of supreme neck wear was giving off to the chicas. I could just tell what they were thinking, “A shark tooth necklace? WOW! That hotty is DANG-ER-OUS. I just love a man who can accessorize!”

And Gran, those babes weren’t lying. I looked SMOKIN. I’m talking Affliction dragon boots, super distressed jeans and an Ed Hardy hat, tilted at the most AMAZING angle! And right there at the center of it all? Your killer shark tooth necklace, framed perfectly between my unbuttoned D&G shirt and resting atop my freshly shaved chest.

I got loads of comments on it. These two hottiez with a Z told me it was “super cool” and “looked wicked with my barbed wire tattoo.” And they used air quotes and everything when they said it, so you know they were TOTALLY SWEATIN IT!

Everyone was asking me where I got it. Hope you don’t mind, but I told them I swiped it as a souvenir from a shark I killed while saving these triplet bikini models on my trip to Ibiza. You know, for extra bonus points.

Speaking of which, if anyone asks, I wasn’t at the family reunion in Wichita Falls last month. I was in Ibiza.

Oh, and thanks for including the gift receipt and everything, but as you can tell from my enthusiasm, there is absolutely NO WAY I’m taking this crazy awesome necklace back to Ross Dress For Less! Let some other douche bag get his hands on this BALLIN piece of man jewelry? NOT BLOODY LIKELY!!

I tell you Gran, this is your best B-day present EVER. Even better than that Von Dutch hat you got me a few years back! Yeah, it’s THAT good!

A-ight Gran, I gotta jet. Toni & Guy’s having a sale on hair wax and I gotta get down there before they close. Look at us – shopping for bargains! I learned from the best! Ha, peace Gran.

Much love,
Your Spoon Fulla Sugar!

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Excerpts From My Book Of Fables

“I’ll get there first,” the bear cried out as he ran blindly into the forest. The fox, on the other hand, took a moment to look at the map, and then confidently trotted along on his way. Soon enough, he came upon the basket of strawberries and quickly ate them. Eventually, the bear showed up, tired and hungry. “Looks like my smarts beat your speed,” the fox laughed. Angry, the bear lunged at the fox, ripped open his stomach and ate the half-digested berries, followed by the fox himself. The moral? Never taunt a hungry bear.

“Wolf! Wolf!” the boy yelled at the top of his lungs. “Lester! I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you,” he was informed. “Say it again, and this time, with FEELING!” the theater coach instructed.

The sun and wind made a bet. Whoever could get the traveler to remove his cloak first would be the victor. The wind blew harder and harder, attempting to rip the cloak from the traveler, but to no avail. Then, the sun rose lazily in the east. Upon seeing the sun, the traveler began to sweat. “Why don’t you take off your cloak?” the sun said. “Alright,” the traveler said as he removed the cloak. “Just don’t hurt my boy.” But it was too late, the sun callously pulled the trigger, and the traveler’s son fell out of the sky to his grisly death below.

“There’s a thorn in my paw,” the lion whined. “Not anymore,” the mouse replied as he reached over and expertly pulled the thorn out. The lion suddenly didn’t feel so cranky anymore, and instead of killing the mouse, decided to let him live – merely maiming him before skipping upon his merry way.

“I was expecting golden eggs,” the farmer said, holding the goose egg with displeasure. “Gold or not, you’ve got to admit that’s pretty amazing!” his wife said as she squatted and gleefully dropped another egg onto the kitchen floor.

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How To Avoid Being Turned Into A Stone Statue

It can happen to anyone. One minute, you’re sitting on a park bench enjoying a turkey club and reading the newspaper. The next minute, you glance up to see Medusa over by the pond, feeding the ducks with a loaf of stale Wonder Bread.

Don't let this happen to "ewe"
Don't let this happen to "ewe"

You try to look away, but POOF! It’s too late. Just like that your body turns to stone, forever freezing you in time. “Ah, nuts!” you think to yourself, “of all the days to be trapped in suspended animation!” But that Night Court marathon you’ll be missing on TV is the least of your worries. Because your 45-minute lunch break has now turned into an eternity – and you’ll NEVER EVEN GET TO FINISH YOUR SANDWICH!

Think it won’t happen to you? THINK AGAIN! Just because you don’t live in Medusa’s hometown – Sioux City, Iowa – doesn’t mean you’re not at risk. Why? BECAUSE SHE COULD GO ON VACATION, THAT’S WHY!!

Plus, there are countless lesser-known beings with the ability to turn you into stone. That cute girl working at the coffee shop? GORGON! That guy mowing the lawn over there? CHTHONIC DEITY OF THE UNDERWORLD! That nice man waving a magic wand at you? EVIL SORCERER!!

And once you’ve been turned into stone – THAT’S IT! There is no cure! You’re stuck in that ridiculous impromptu pose FOREVER! Left only with your thoughts to keep you company, you’ll soon PRAY FOR DEATH!! But death won’t come, because you’re not human anymore – you’re a statue. AND STATUES CAN’T DIE!

You’re only hope is that a pack of teen vandals or some clumsy passerby will push you over, smashing you to bits and allowing your tired soul to finally be freed from its eternal prison! But that won’t happen. The velvet rope the city put up around you will see to that!

So how do you stay safe? You carry protection! No matter where you go or who you see, for God’s sake, USE A MIRROR! Keep it in your purse, wallet or pocket. That way, whenever you meet someone new or feel the urge to look at someone on the street, you can whip your trusty old mirror out and hold it up to your face! Then, slowly count to three and have a look-see.

If it’s Medusa or one of her gorgon sisters, then success! She’s caught a glimpse of herself and that horrid creature is now nothing more than a harmless, hideous statue! And if it’s not a stone-inducing deity? Well, then no harm done!!

Of course, when used incorrectly, a mirror is almost as ineffective as no protection at all. That’s why many experts recommend abstaining from sight altogether. When you go outside, close your eyes, wear a blindfold or – even better – gouge your eyes out with blunt object (like a spoon).

Sure, those mirrors, blindfolds or empty eye sockets may dull the experience and enjoyment of sight a little bit, but it’s a heck of a lot better than the alternative! So keep those knees bending, those mouths talking and those toes wiggling. Nobody wants to end up stuck holding a sandwich on some lousy park bench for the rest of their lives. Do yourself a favor and USE PROTECTION!

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Another Good Surprise, Bad Surprise

Good Surprise: you get a reward for returning a lost puppy
Bad Surprise: the reward isn’t a rabies shot (and you die)

Good Surprise: On your birthday, you come home to find your home filled with friends.
Bad Surprise: On your birthday, you come home to find your home filled with wolverines.

Good Surprise: while out shopping, you finally find that really cool shirt you’ve been looking for
Bad Surprise: the guy wearing it refuses to take it off

Good Surprise: the girl you like gives you a love letter
Bad Surprise: the girl you like gives you a venereal disease

Good Surprise: you go to Vegas and win a bunch of money
Bad Surprise: When you leave, the casino confiscates the money because “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

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A Day At The Beach

Nancy said she was getting too much sun, so I told her to tie her towel around her waist. “I don’t think that’ll work,” she answered. “Why not?” I asked. “Because the towel you brought is way too small,” she said, reaching under her thigh and pulling up the washcloth for me to see. “Or, maybe your butt is too big,” I replied.

The wave was coming toward me, so I laid flat on the surfboard and started paddling. The wave came closer, and when the time felt right, I stood up on the board – but I guess I timed it wrong because the wave just kept on going without me. “What am I doing wrong?” I said to a nearby surfer. “Try getting in the water first,” he said.

The red kite had a longer tail, but I wanted the blue one because it was bigger. So I pushed the kid on the right to the ground and snapped up the line of string before “old bluey” could fly away.

“I better not ever catch you walking around in one of those,” Nancy whispered as the man in the Speedo walked by. “No need to worry about that,” I responded. “Unless, of course, you’re planning on showing up to my quarterly earnings presentation on Thursday.”

With the hot sun beating down, the coldness of the ice cream was nice. But soon, the ice cream began to melt, and my chest started to feel just as hot and sweaty as before (plus more sticky).

“Where is Freddy?” Nancy asked. “I buried him in the sand over there,” I replied. “Where?” she responded. “Right there,” I answered. “I don’t see him,” she retorted. “Yeah, because I BURIED HIM in the sand!” I shot back. “Head and all?” she countered. “Geez, you sound just like Freddy,” I came back with. Nancy said something else before she got up, but I can’t repeat it here. Because I can’t think of any other synonyms for “replied.”

“There’s nothing prettier than a sunset,” I said as the two of us held hands and walked alone on the shore. “Yeah,” said the man in the Speedo.

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