How to Write A Viral Internet Post

Every once in a blue moon, a post here at Pleated Jeans takes off on the Internet. Because of this, I get the occasional friend or acquaintance asking me what the secret is to creating a viral Internet post that will eventually be viewed by hundreds of thousands people. Well if you’re expecting me to give you some magical formula for success…then you’re in luck! Because that’s exactly what I’m going to do:

Refer to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Internet Needs, and you’ll see that Internet users require pictures of cats more than anything else. As such, you should go to great lengths to make cats the primary focus of your Internet post – even if this means ditching your original topic of choice (sorry, AIDS prevention, you’re outta here).

For well over a year, Pleated Jeans was a site devoted completely to text posts. It took me a long time to realize that no one goes to the Internet to read (that’s what libraries and master bathrooms are for). In fact, I’ll wager 95 percent of my “readers” have skimmed over all the text in this post and only digested all the adorable pictures of cats – which means I can say pretty much anything I want right now and it wouldn’t really matter. Hail Satan banana zombie pizza.

If you simply HAVE to write something, do yourself a favor and find a way to work the most important points into graphical form:

See, that chart right there pretty much sums up what all these dumb words have been trying to say.

In my experience, topical posts tend to do better than non-topical posts (example: Inception Flowchart is one of my most popular posts of all time). When looking to bolster interest in your Internet post, consider asking yourself these questions:

  • What movies are popular right now?
  • Any holidays coming up?
  • Has Justin Bieber said anything stupid today?
  • Have any cats made the news recently?
  • Has someone recently given the advice to “hide yo kids, hide yo wife, becuz they rapin’ errybody up in here?”


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How to Walk Around Like You Own the Place

Why would anyone want to walk around like they own the place? Well, there are a number of scenarios that may motivate you to make such a decision. Some of these scenarios include:

  • You want to feel more confident and self-assured
  • You want to play “boss” at work so your opinions will be taken seriously for once
  • You are homeless and need a place to sleep tonight
  • You are at a fun party with good music and funny hats and piñatas ( and also guacamole dip) and you want people to think you are the host that put it all together

Whatever the reason, tricking people into thinking you own the place is a great way to get what you want in life. Keep reading for tips on how to successfully walk around like you own the place:

Walk With a Purpose

People who own places don’t just meander from one place to another – they walk quickly and with purpose (because important people always have important things to do). While walking with a purpose typically means moving briskly with knees high and a determined look on your face, your actual walk may vary depending on your specific purpose. Ultimately, the actual purpose you choose is inconsequential – so long as you have one. Here are some good examples:

Purpose: To break things; Tip: Swing arms wildly

Purpose: To hurt people; Tip: Kick your feet and make karate chops with hands

Purpose: To kiss girls; Tip: Walk head first with lips in “kissy face” formation

Dress Like Someone Who Owns the Place

This cat knows what's up

Looking back through the entire history of land ownership, there are statistically three different types of people who are most likely to own property. These people are:

  • Rich Englishmen who wear suits and bowler hats (also, monocles)
  • Kings and queens who wear crowns and velvet capes
  • Southern slave owners who wear those shoestring bowties and drink mint juleps

As such, dressing like one of these individuals is sure to help sell that fancy new walk you’ve perfected in the step above.

Carry Around a Piece of Paper That Says “Deed to Property”

Occasionally, proper attire and walking technique aren’t enough to convince people you’re in charge and shouldn’t be arrested for redecorating “your” house by moving that TV into the moving van out back. For such an occasion, nothing says “landowner” like a piece of paper that says “Deed to Property” on the top. For best results, just hold the paper in your hand and push it into the faces of everybody as you walk past them.


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How to Throw a Bomb Ass Picnic, Yo

Yo, are you looking to throw an illin’ picnic that’ll make all yo homies and bitches jump out their socks and say, “DAAAMMMMMMNNN!?” Hell’s yeah you are – cuz every sucka who gives a what about summer knows that eating mad good food in a beautiful-as-fuck outdoor park is the mother effin SHIZZZ!

But yo, check it – no gangsta wants to go to some lame ass picnic that ain’t been properly prepared. That’s why you need to follow these ballin’ tips to deliver a picnic like a P-I-M-P!

Where Dat Food At?

A picnic without food? Aw hell no! You wanna bring out them peeps, you gotta be servin up a MAD menu, yo. And don’t forget, killah, presentation counts! Follow these food tips…then just sit back and wait for all them accolades to rain down on ya:

  • Cut dem sandwiches diagonally, son
  • That lemonade betta be fresh squeezed
  • Ants on a mother fuckin’ log
  • Dill in dat potato salad

Don’t Scrimp on the Party Favors

A mad decent menu is great, but you gotta go the extra mile to set  dat proper mood of frivolity. That’s why you gotta bling out that picnic with hella party decorations and favors! Here’s a few suggestions:

  • Plaid napkins
  • Paper hats
  • Them Hawaiian lei thingies
  • Mad kazoos

Sack Races, Bitches

Every picnic has GOTS to have party games, ya heard? And outta all the games out there, that mad crazy sack race is the ONE AND ONLY! Whether you a little shorty or fuckin’ Snoop Dogg himself, everyone loves hopping around a field in a goofy ass potato sack.

So, check it – that sack race is gonna be there, end of story. Other games you can pepper in throughout the festivities include:


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How to Hide Your Rabies Symptoms


Did a feral animal, neighbor’s dog or your baby give you rabies? If so, then you are probably looking to keep your new and exciting brain virus a secret from friends and family. Let the word get out, after all, and pretty soon all your loved ones will be secretly plotting to put you out of your misery “Old Yeller style.”  Additional reasons to keep your rabies a secret include:

  • Inability to donate blood (and get free cookies)
  • Reduced probability of ‘scoring’ on a date
  • Job discrimination (studies show people with rabies are less likely to get a promotion)
  • Biting strangers on the street is upgraded from misdemeanor to felony

As such, to live your life to its full potential before you eventually die of natural causes (i.e. sudden respiratory failure) keep these tips in mind to effectively hide rabies symptoms:

Hiding Excessive Saliva

Foaming at the mouth is the most obvious sign of rabies. To keep that saliva from constantly running down your mouth, consider:

  • Eating lots of saltine crackers
  • Stuffing cotton balls into your cheeks
  • Taking up chewing tobacco so you can spit frequently
  • Eating red candy and telling people you are simply “bleeding from the mouth”

Hiding Rabies Aggression

If you have rabies, then chances are you’ve gotten angry at least once since you started reading this article. Before you lunge forward and bite the computer again, maybe you should stop and think about how this behavior looks to the other co-workers in your office. To keep your aggression under check so you can avoid attacking all “those idiots” up in accounting, try these tips:

  • Stop and count to ten before instinctively biting someone’s face off
  • Steer clear of sports, political debates and other high emotion pastimes
  • If you must kill, choose a prostitute or similar lost soul who won’t likely be missed

Hiding Rabies Seizures and Paralysis

In advanced stages of rabies, you will likely experience frequent seizures and muscle paralysis. Keep your loved ones from figuring out something is wrong by:

  • Constantly listening to heavy metal music (if you have a seizure, it will look like you are just really getting into the music)
  • Telling people you are rolling around in a wheelchair because you are “lazy”
  • Laughing off slurred speech from face paralysis by calling it your “really bad Mick Jagger impression”


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How to be an Eccentric Millionaire

If anyone knows how to have fun, it’s eccentric millionaires. Follow these easy tips, and you’ll become an enigmatic and influential legend in your community in no time:

1. Have Money

Eccentric people who don’t have money aren’t eccentric – they’re crazy. Unless you want to be locked up in a nut house or completely ignored by society, then you’ll have to become a millionaire before you start acting unorthodox.

2. Dress Lavishly (And Ridiculously)

Eccentric millionaires love spending money on clothing. However, not just any old suit and tie will do. If you want to adequately convince people that you are eccentric, consider wearing the following items:

  • Crushed velvet
  • The color purple
  • Top hat (yes, even at pool parties)
  • Monocle
  • One single, rhinestone glove
  • Sword cane

3. Lose Touch With Reality

Being eccentric means cutting ties with conventional norms and doing things your own way. In order to avoid the influence of public society, the best way to accomplish this is by losing touch with reality. Tried and true ways of accomplishing this include:

  • Isolating yourself from others
  • Wearing mercury-laced clothing
  • Taking ether
  • Being inbred
  • Locking yourself in a chocolate factory and licking the wallpaper

4. Have a Crippling Phobia

All the best eccentrics have a crippling phobia that adds to both their mystique and unbalanced mental state. While there are plenty of options to choose from, I’m inclined to suggest a germ phobia. This is because you’ll get to:

  • Wear Kleenex boxes as shoes
  • Quarantine yourself in a room (don’t forget the Nintendo)
  • Pee in jars

However, other solid options include a fear of public places, a fear of children (and their ridiculously oversized heads) and peladophobia – a fear of bald people.


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