Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
1.
I like to think that if I swipe left hard enough on tinder it'll kill the guy
— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) April 9, 2016
2.
https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/723181975478001664
3.
Hey baby I hear the blues a-callin' pic.twitter.com/yKSDR1TaPM
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 8, 2018
4.
https://twitter.com/joelycett/status/950074559482515456
5.
https://twitter.com/BrainPornNinja/status/724359627006074880
6.
https://twitter.com/SpenceDen/status/948577567979819008
7.
Please stop calling this your "journey" Linda. You are selling leggings on Facebook
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) November 3, 2016
8.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) July 14, 2017
9.
*stuffs fortune back into cookie*
This is wrong.— Concrete Blond (@Super_Cynthia) July 17, 2015
10.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
— SpookySandwich (@MarisaLange) November 19, 2014
11.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
— ♥mark magark♥ (@markedly) December 2, 2017
12.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent— brent (@murrman5) November 24, 2014
13.
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/921230189736091648
14.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that's why we're here— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 25, 2015
15.
https://twitter.com/ohen39/status/888012565397348352