Mike
Every week I handpick the best Twitter jokes and drop them in here. Each one is linked to the original tweet if you want to check out their profile for other great tweets. I would. Most of these people are cranking out several great jokes every day. Worth a look.
1.
I know we're all aiming high with New Year resolutions, but maybe we should just try to keep the inside of the microwave clean first.
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 3, 2017
2.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
— Mrs. Donald Darko (@LadyBroseph) August 5, 2015
3.
my upstairs neighbors have the life i want. they wake up on a Saturday morning, fall out of bed, and then drop and knock over literally everything they own for 6 or 19 hours. good christ that is the fucking life
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 5, 2019
4.
https://twitter.com/gabriellejwhite/status/1079798128981753856
5.
why don't you just googoo it. wook it up on googoo.
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 3, 2013
6.
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/919418676939390976
7.
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/1080122525122772992
8.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) October 11, 2018
9.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped
"stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name"
oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015
10.
that’s my bitch right there https://t.co/RhXEtaRx4e
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) December 28, 2018
11.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/941698350847467520
12.
https://twitter.com/msdanifernandez/status/339505577426317312
13.
ME: I hope there are better categories in the second round
JEOPARDY: pic.twitter.com/EiYiecRE0b
— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) November 3, 2017
14.
Naked From The Waist Down Spider-Man (for https://t.co/wekeKeiGSs) pic.twitter.com/CNjFgz3LxX
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) December 10, 2018
15.
https://twitter.com/BrandonEsWolf/status/971064259961606144