Mike
I got drunk and made a list of the funniest tweets I could find on Twitter. Then I looked up on Amazon how much it would be to send live leeches to my friend who is terrified of leeches. Then I ate a whole frozen pizza. Then I finished this tweets list. Now I’m sleepy.
1.
the most convincing argument yet for making public transport free pic.twitter.com/QeMjI44UDk
— the good goth comrade (@_jamescruz) January 27, 2019
2.
What a bottle flip from the kid in the stands pic.twitter.com/sQjS1LPr2K
— Marty Mush (@marty_mush) January 27, 2019
3.
When girls say they are “running errands” they’re actually at TJ Maxx sniffing candles for 45 minutes
— amber (@mberwebb) November 21, 2018
4.
This thing cost me $300 and it’s an empty box pic.twitter.com/gJ9T6arw1m
— adam.the.creator (@AdamPadilla) January 27, 2019
5.
Jesus literally faked his own death for more followers though, so… https://t.co/uAeZk2VSfY
— Taylor Lorenz (@TaylorLorenz) January 27, 2019
6.
Every dude shorter than me is a loser and every man taller than me can burn in eternal hellfire
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) January 24, 2019
7.
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
— Cohen is a Ghost (@skullmandible) August 29, 2013
8.
they don’t stand a chance pic.twitter.com/mEUgf2Bzs9
— sully (@sullycide) January 22, 2019
9.
https://twitter.com/Datcasey/status/1087493065277751297
10.
my dogs stuffed animal was left outside and my dad made sure so save him.. pic.twitter.com/ysgViljoxS
— michaella (@oohhhkayyy) January 24, 2019
11.
y’all ever be laying in bed and just start doing this pic.twitter.com/57tqbXI0ds
— Frank lotion (@702Austin) January 23, 2019
12.
when i go to a website and my computer fan turns on, that’s how i know it’s a good website
— Nicole He (@nicolehe) January 24, 2019
13.
Is it just me or does this math not work out https://t.co/Whnlb4beaB
— Tanya Chen (@Tanya_Chen) January 24, 2019
14.
I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of The Office episodes and then asked it to write a The Office episode of its own. Here is the first page. pic.twitter.com/RV84VTHYWH
— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) January 22, 2019
15.
one time in high school we had a spirit day called jersey day where people were supposed to wear sports gear to school but i came dressed as snooki instead
— ˗ˏˋ tony ˎˊ˗ (@stfutony) January 22, 2019
16.
my dad has been telling me about this crazy video that’s blown his mind and my mom is standing behind him mouthing to me to please act impressed bc it’s all he’s been able to talk about all day. this is the video pic.twitter.com/ONVkEdzgJm
— Farah (@farahazzouzz) January 21, 2019
17.
Good morning to everybody except whoever made this pic.twitter.com/NgGhsKpYYC
— Anna Hughes (@AnnaGHughes) January 22, 2019
18.
i got this dm at fucking 12:30 this morning and i’m still thinking about it pic.twitter.com/CmYySdRfL4
— Lee ☁️ (@solflowerrs) January 20, 2019
19.
Any guy who is 5’9: “I’m 5’11”
— Erica (@eerrriiicaa) January 21, 2019
20.
to whoever needed to see this:
throw away your empty liquor bottles, they’re not decor— jen ☾ (@_zodiaccat) January 20, 2019