Twitter really brought the funny this week. I read tweets all day every day so it’s hard to make me LOL anymore, but this week’s roundup had some really fantastic twitter jokes. Some old, some new, and some I’ve seen before but they’re so good I had to include them. Enjoy!
My kink is pulling on a loose book on a bookshelf, opening a secret door & never being seen again.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) February 6, 2019
Stabbing a map with a dagger was the mic drop of ancient times
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) May 15, 2015
This guy’s bumper sticker says “honk if you love cheese” so I honked at him for like six minutes. Turns out, he’s a big phony. pic.twitter.com/ITY3zREKbl
— Josh Mankiewicz (@JoshMankiewicz) February 4, 2019
I love when people say "I don't get it" to a joke because it means not everyone has my brain and that is honestly a huge relief for them
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 31, 2019
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my dad like a football
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 6, 2019
i used to play basketball on an 8 foot hoop with a group of friends where one rule was if you smiled in the 30 seconds following a dunk your team lost all of their points
— slick (@dlicj) February 6, 2019
"Want to see something cool?" I turn my mouse sensitivity up to 6 and struggle to click the OK button. "Whoa she's buckin' like a bronco"
— vineyille (@vineyille) May 27, 2016
my mom: so i guess robbers broke into our house, drew all over the walls with crayons, but didn't steal anything
five year old me: shit's wild i know
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) January 4, 2019
the easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) January 28, 2019
If Tom Brady can throw a football he can throw a grenade at ISIS, stop playing games and be a hero
— chip malfunction (@online_shawn) January 21, 2018
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) June 13, 2013
white people be calling their grandparents bingo and bappo
— Mr. Friendly (@gewqk) February 2, 2019
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
— mike pence's first wife, lilith (@jon_snow_420) October 28, 2015
*just starts talking to someone on a dating app* Are you mad at me?
— At least I had the gym and my stocks (@danchovy) January 23, 2019
Lawyer: “…and I want a giant cartoon rat to play my skeleton’s rib cage like a xylophone.”
My Family: (quietly weeping)
Lawyer: if you want I can move on, he described this scene in some detail.
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) January 22, 2019