Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo

It’s the weekend! Yay! What are we going to do? I know, let’s go on down to the petting zoo and pet us some animals! Totally! I’ve just been itching to rub my hands all over some wild animals! But wait – what kind of animals do they have? Goats and sheep, I think. Probably a pig. And maybe a camel if we’re lucky. What!? That’s it? Well then forget it. We might as well just stay home and pet the dog.

angry-bearHey folks, sound familiar? Probably, because no matter where you go, petting zoos are all the same. Walk in. Pet some goats. Feed the sheep. Check your watch. Fall asleep. And yet, for some reason we keep going back again and again.

Well, if you’re tired of rubbing your hands all over those weak, docile creatures that do nothing but put you in a coma, then come on down to Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo!

At Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo, we have all the animals everyone’s always dreamt about petting! Forget all those lame-ass animals on the bottom of the food chain, because Little Bill’s animals are the cream of the crop – and they eat those other animals for breakfast…LITERALLY!

What type of animals am I talking about? Little Bill’s big Game Petting Zoo has it all, including grizzly bears, wolverines and cats! No, not house cats, stupid! Leopards, lions, tigers and the rest of those badass felines!

And that’s not all! If the soft fur of earth’s most dangerous mammals isn’t enough for you, switch it up with the scales and blubber of the fiercest underwater killers – including toothy crocodiles, ornery Great White sharks and the dreaded manatee.

Finally, animals with claws, fangs and other COOL features are available for the most awesome and stimulating of senses – TOUCH! Of course, you won’t be petting those parts of the animals (they’re sharp), but WOW! Imagine how you’ll feel when you’re rubbing on one of God’s most fiercest creations!

Think we have bobcats and badgers? Think again! At Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo, only animals WITH NO NATURAL PREDATORS are good enough for our customers. Sorry cobra, you need not apply – if some pansy-ass mongoose can take you out, then you’re not wanted here.

But wait, you say!? Why is that normal, run-of-the-mill horse prancing around in the center pen there? Because Old Bert there IS RABID AS HELL and foaming at the mouth for your flesh – his special all-meat diet makes sure of that!! Trust me, that WILD STALLION is the most dangerous animal here, and you’ll be squealing with delight as he kicks and bites while you pose for pictures and pet his gorgeous mane.

Worried our predators have grown soft and lethargic from the easy petting zoo life? No worries!! Every morning we poke them with sticks to make sure they’re nice and angry by the time you arrive! And at Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo, all our animals are underfed, ensuring they are super hungry – AND SUPER FEROCIOUS – 24/7!!!

So what’s it gonna be? A yawn-fest with the other guys? Or a day of adventure and excitement at Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo? I may be little, but I’m big on fun! Come on out and rub your hands all over some animals you ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT! Open seven days a week, 10 am to 9 pm!! Five dollars and a signed waiver gets you full access for the entire day!!


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A Day At The Hospital

“Insane? Sir, I have been a doctor for more than nine years. I assure you, I am no hack,” the physician retorted. “Well, I’ve never seen a sane doctor wearing an 18th-century tri-cornered hat before,” the patient said. “A hat? Oh, no! What a delightful misunderstanding. This is no hat,” the doctor answered. “It’s a bedpan.”

As Leonard held his newborn son in his arms, he couldn’t help but think about the future, and how great his life was going to be after he sold the baby and got all that money.

“How long has it been since your last physical?” the doctor asked. “Not since my college football days” I said. “Hmm,” he murmured with disapproval. “Okay, well put this gown on and I’ll be back in a minute.” Ashamed of my aging physique, I asked: “Is that really necessary?” “Yes,” he insisted. “My wife is broad-backed and I need to know if that dress is gonna make her look like a linebacker.”

The nurse’s hand jumped up to cover her mouth and she giggled with delight. Well, there’s no other way to interpret that – she was flirting with me, plain and simple. She was cute, so I decided to flirt back. “Why yes, my dear,” I said with a smile. “Halitosis does run in my family.”

As we all looked down at Daphne, covered in burns, the doctor reached over and turned off the machine. Finally, after all these days, her body relaxed and she was at peace. Looking back now, I don’t know why we didn’t turn that heavy metal CD off sooner.

No sooner had he sat down to eat, did his beeper go off. “Christ, not again,” he said as he shoved a handful of French fries into his mouth, reluctantly stood up and headed off towards the children’s ward. “How much pot can one kid smoke?” the drug dealer mumbled quietly to himself.


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We’ll Sue Anyone!

Are you tired of lawyers telling you your lawsuits are “frivolous” or “too out there?” Then pick up the phone and call the law offices of Cooper & Smythe, because we’ll sue anyone!

Did you slip on a grape at the grocery store and NOT get hurt? We’ll sue that store for all the grapes they’ve got!

Did your ice cream sundae give you brain freeze? We’ll lick Ben & Jerry in court and banana split the profits with you!

Does Blue’s Clues give you impure thoughts? Hey Blue. Here’s a clue for you…you’re sued!

Believe it! We’ll sue anyone! Don’t think you have a case? Think again. Virtually anything can be twisted into a semi-credible lawsuit…

Did another man’s backside make contact with yours at a dance club? THAT’S SEXUAL HARASSMENT!

Or maybe some kid called you a doo-doo head? SLANDER!

Or how about this? A guy’s face is so ugly it forces you to punch him in the mouth? ENTRAPMENT, plain and simple!

What percentage of cases do we win? 3 percent. That doesn’t sound like much, but when you call Cooper & Smythe, we’ll flood the judicial system with dozens of lawsuits on your behalf until we find that winning case.

Have you ever been in a sauna, and another patron is so relaxed he relieves himself, resulting in a golden fog of urine steam that infiltrates your nose, mouth and other orifices? Of course you have – it’s a case we’ve won before, and we’ll win it for you too!

We’re the most experienced golden sauna legal team in the country!

What are you waiting for? Contact Cooper & Smythe RIGHT NOW and we’ll get you the money you deserve. Even if you don’t deserve it, pick up the phone and call now! No matter who you are or what the claim, we’ll find someone to blame. Don’t make us SUE YOU! PICK UP THAT PHONE AND CALL NOW!


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How To Safely Spin In A Carefree Circle As Butterflies Flutter Around You

Have you ever wanted to tilt your head back, laugh with delight and spin in a circle as a swarm of butterflies flutters around you? We’ve all dreamt about – according to a recent poll, the famous Butterfly Spin is the third most popular butterfly-related fantasy listed among you, our loyal readers of Metamorphosis Magazine (right behind discovering a new butterfly species and building a giant cocoon out of spit and twine so that one might personally transform into a human-sized butterfly following a 6-week hibernation).

butterfly-spinAnd yet, when inevitably confronted with a full-on swarm of butterflies in a hidden meadow or dewy dandelion field, the majority of us lack the cajones to actually fulfill this lifelong dream. And of those who are not frozen in fear when actually confronted with this ecstasy-inducing opportunity, a certain percentage will unfortunately succumb to injury due to poor spinning technique (the percentage is 0.01%).

As a whole, the editors of Metamorphosis Magazine have had the good fortune of spinning freely among butterflies on nearly a dozen occasions. Collectively, we’ve assembled the following tips to help you garner the courage and expertise to safely spin among our world’s truly most delicate and blessed creatures:

1. Practice, practice, practice. Dreams alone weren’t enough to help Shawn Johnson (American hero) pull-off a perfect open-floor routine during the 2008 Olympics. She practiced. A LOT. And when the pressure is on and those butterflies start flying this way and that, you’re gonna need to draw on some heavy-duty experience to stay focused and stick that perfect twirl.

2. Hold your arms straight out. Loss of balance is the number one cause of injury during a Butterfly Spin. Keeping your arms outstretched helps maintain your center of gravity (bonus: it also allows your body to come in contact with more butterflies!). As you spin, cup your hands and keep your palms pointed skyward. If you feel your body start to spin out of control, turn your cupped palms sideways. The added wind resistance should help slow you down.

3. Take small steps. High steps can quickly lead to an unbalanced spin. Plus, they increase your chances of stepping on a butterfly. And no one wants that, because a butterfly’s wings are pretty slippery and you’ll probably fall if one gets underfoot.

4. Breathe in through your nose. No doubt your mouth will be open wide as you laugh with unabated glee. Unless you want to inhale a butterfly and choke and die, then you best be inhaling through your nose and out through the mouth.

5. No flash photography. Certainly, you will want to photograph your epic spin for reminiscing and future enjoyment. By all means do so, but turn the flash off, as this may blind you in mid-spin and cause you to wobble off-kilter.

5. Enjoy yourself! A spin among butterflies is supposed to be CAREFREE. If, during your spin, you are scared, doubting your abilities or afraid you might fall, then you probably will. Only by spinning with pure, unadulterated joy will you enjoy your dream spin and survive unscathed. So tilt that head skyward, laugh hardily, and spin freely without a care in the world!


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Dudes, My New Bike Is Totally KILLER

Hey chumps, how’s it hanging? Loosey Goosey, I’m sure! What’s up with me you say? The reading on my ugly meter, for one – because that bad boy has been SPIKING OFF THE CHARTS ever since I pedaled on over here!! Nah, just kidding.

Jealous? Yeah you are.
Jealous? Yeah you are.

Speaking of pedaled, check out my new bike. Yeah, it’s killer, for sure. Here, I’ll hop off and give you d-bags a better view. No, your eyes do not deceive you, that is, in fact, a Pikachu graphic with lightning bolt accents shooting up the bike chain safety guard.  That’s right, bet you never thought you’d see an AUTHENTIC Pokemon BMX up close and personal. Well, bow down before me, because this is your lucky day!

I know what you’re thinking: “wait a sec, isn’t that bike a limited edish? How did good ol’ Grant get his hands on that KILLER bike?” Well, I don’t mean to brag, but I just sauntered right on in to Wal-Mart and wheeled it right on out. Manager had it waiting for me over in Returns & Exchanges – VIP style. Yep, I’m just that big of a bad ass. Plus, my gramps totally rocks the customer service desk, so when some jerkwad couldn’t handle this beast of a machine and returned it, guess who was on speed dial to come pick it up?

…whoa there, Jeremy, I know it’s a KILLER bike, but seriously dude, stop the ogling! You’re acting like it’s Cliff’s mom or something!! Ha, just kidding.

But seriously, Cliff, your mom is hot.

And so is this bike! You want the grand tour? Fine. But after that, you’ve got to promise to stop yammering on and on about how killer my bike is.

Up here we’ve got the vulcanized rubber handle grips. Have you ever touched clouds? Because that’s what it feels like. Going uphill? No problem because right here we got one, two, three whole gears to choose from. Down here we got a super padded seat pad with triple stitching for heavy-duty protection. Have you ever sat on a cloud? Because that’s what it feels like.

Kickstand? Killer. Built-in pedal reflectors? Serial killer. Rear back pegs? J. Dahmer.

I’m telling you, this bike MURDERS from head to toe. Have you ever seen one of these suckers go flying off a dirt ramp!? Me either, but you can tell just from the way it looks that it would totally tear that ramp to shreds! I’m telling you, what the Son of Sam did to late-night smoochers in their cars, this Pokemon bike would do to the dirt on that ramp!!

What’s that? The size? Yeah, it’s a little small. The box recommends for ages 8 to 10, but whatevs. Ain’t no stupid box gonna tell me which Pokemon bikes I can and can’t ride. Besides, that recommended age range is WAY OFF. I mean, you might as well call this bike John Wayne Gacy, because it would totally MURDER any young boy who got anywhere near it!!

Alright chumps, that’s it. Me and this bike got some assassinating to do, so I’m gonna have to bounce. I’m heading up to the school. Probably gonna exterminate the basketball court with some sweet wheelies. Feel free to come with – that is, if you don’t mind a little blood…OR A LOT! Smell ya later!


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New Cult Member FAQs

When do I get to meet Leader Tim?

Only those who exude a rich aura of unquestionable divinity will be deemed worthy of a meeting with the great Leader Tim. So far, Leader Tim is the only one known to be able to sense such an aura, but we are told it is a yellowish green color. As such, if you find yourself perpetually bathed in such a light, then this probably good news. Historically, females have had to wait anywhere from one hour to several months before Leader Tim requests a meeting. Males may never be granted a meeting.

Where are all my things?

They have been sold to fund the Timlothian cause (praise Tim). If, Tim forbid, any items have been deemed not sellable (photographs, keepsakes, beanie babies, etc.), well, then they were probably lost in the move. No worries though, your regulation neck cone and smock (one size fits all) are the only possessions you will need from now on.

How do I attach my neck cone?

Simple. Place the center of the unrolled plastic at the nape of your neck. Pull both edges of the sheeting forward around your neck so that the right and left edges of the cone overlap. Align the snaps located on the right edge of the cone over the holes on the left edge and snap into place. For your comfort, various left-hole alignments are available to aid in creating a snug fit.

My neck cone makes it difficult to eat. Am I missing something?

I am afraid not. Unfortunately, cumbersome eating is a necessary side effect of the neck cone. Specialized elongated spoons are provided at each meal, but otherwise you will just have to deal. Unless, of course, you’d rather delay the amplification process and postpone ultimate enlightenment for everyone. Then, by all means, remove your neck cone during mealtime (kidding! – NEVER REMOVE YOUR NECK CONE FOR ANY REASON).

What am I building?

A personal relationship with the physical earth form of Leader Tim and, Tim willing, the opportunity to live in peace on the planet of Timlothia for all of eternity.

No, I mean why are 12 hours of my day spent hauling 100-lb. sacks of bricks up to the peak of Mt. Peaceful?

Oh, that. You are helping to build the world’s first Tim-servatory. When complete, the Tim-servatory will magnify Leader Tim’s divine celestial antenna a hundred fold, allowing Him to tune in and collect the necessary Timsickles for transport to Timlothia.

Is the Pharaoh-themed master bedroom with built-in Jacuzzi and waterbed a necessary component of the Tim-servatory?

It is.

Tell me more about these Timsickles.

That’s not technically a question, but okay. Timsickles are tiny specks of intergalactic dust. They are invisible fragments of atmosphere “dandruff” shed by Timlothia every one thousand years during the planet’s week-long molting period. By amplifying His divine celestial antenna (via Tim-servatory), Leader Tim will be able to “magnetically” draw Timsickles into our collection jar. Once collected, the Timsickles will be mixed with Sunny Delight and consumed, instantly transporting us to the glorious planet of Timlothia (praise Tim)!

Why Sunny Delight?

Because it is fortified with electrolytes. Also, it tastes better than the purple stuff.

I am starting to miss my family. What do I do?

Your 10-minute rest period has expired. Please visit the brain re-strengthening booth for a brief refresher course before returning to work. Good day and all hail Leader Tim!


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