30 Trouble Making Cats Who Don’t Give A F**k What You Think

While dogs give their love freely, you have to earn it from a cat, and even then it doesn’t guarantee they won’t be complete and total jerks. They’ll bring dead creatures into your house. They’ll knock your freshly poured drink off the table just for fun. They’ll even completely ignore you but demand your attention the second they desire it. Do they feel bad about any of this? Not even a little.

1. Doesn’t respect anyone who has a job.

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That Dead Horse of Yours Has To Go

Charlie, I know you had a special bond with your horse and everything, but stuffing him and putting him on display in the middle of our living room is not the right way to honor his life. I put up with this decision of yours for the past few weeks because I knew you were mourning, but honestly, the thing has to go.

Why? Because it’s creepy and weird, Charlie, that’s why. I swear, I can’t even watch TV anymore because every time I sit down in that room all I can think about is how that horse is staring at me with those bright, beady eyes. I really have no idea why you decided to color the eyes red, but it makes the darn thing look demonic.

And I’ll be honest, ever since you brought that stuffed horse home, I’ve been too embarrassed to invite anyone over to the house. Because every time I do, the first thing you do is ask them if they want to see your dead horse.

First of all, do you even really have to put it that way? “Dead horse?” It’s unsettling.

Second of all, the fact that you insist that all visitors help you wash down the horse with a soapy sponge before sitting down to dinner is more than a little awkward. I don’t know if you realized, but the Petersons barely ate any of my homemade fajitas when they came over to visit. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that they lost their appetites because of the whole washing the horse thing.

Or maybe it was the fact that you wheeled the horse into the dining room and sat on it for the duration of the meal. Even if the Petersons were able to look past the fact that you were dressed in an Emperor Napoleon costume and eating your fajitas with a sword, there’s no way they could ignore the fact that you kept trying to feed bell peppers and refried beans to the horse.

I’m sorry, Charlie, but that night with the Petersons was the last straw. You need to get over this death and move on with your life. Because, seriously, I’m getting pretty sick and tired of you asking me to get down underneath the horse every five seconds so you can remind me how “well hung” your horse was. Yes Charlie, your horse had a big penis. Big deal! All horses have big penises. It’s not impressive and I don’t know why you think it is.

So get this horse out of my living room, and get it out of my bed at night so I can finally sleep in peace. Wouldn’t you rather snuggle with your wife under the sheets at night then that stupid horse? I guess not, because he’s been your “little spoon” for the past three weeks straight.

Look, bury it, sell it, burn it – I don’t care. Just find a way to say goodbye to your horse so we can get on with our lives. Because honestly, it’s either me or the horse, and I’m pretty sure that…hey wait, where do you think you’re going? Get down from that horse and get back here! Don’t you dare wheel out that front door. Charlie? CHARLIE!!

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Research Proves Dogs Rule, Cats Drool, Says Team of Dog Scientists

The long-standing hypothesis that “dogs rule and cats drool” has been validated for the first time in recent laboratory studies, according to research performed by a team of dog scientists at the University of Pupsylvania.

The study, which was funded in part by Purina’s Beggin’ Strips, sheds new light on the long-debated topic of which household pet is superior – dogs or cats. Through the collection of owner surveys, as well as in-laboratory experiments, the U of Pup team concluded that cats are more than two times likely to be sucky pets than dogs.

Head Researcher, Dr. Wags

By combining the data of all these studies, the dog scientists were able to conclude that cats do, indeed, think that they are 3.3 times better than their human owners. This “holier than thou” complex  significantly contributed to the validation of the “cats drool” hypothesis.

In contrast, dogs were found to outperform cats in virtually all segments tested. Relevant statistics cited by the team include:

  • 99 percent higher aptitude for learning tricks
  • Tongues that are 77 percent less rough than the average cat’s tongue
  • 67 percent higher likelihood of tolerating being forced to dance on their hind legs
  • 72 percent higher likelihood of tolerating “wheelbarrow” walking
  • Greeting guests as friends rather than nap ruiners

All findings were calculated with a two percent margin for error. Still, cat scientists are quick to point out potential biases that may have compromised the study. For example, noted cat-istician, Dr. Socks of the University of Meowsachusetts, displayed to owners how cute cats are when they play by chasing after a piece of string at a recent press conference.

In response to Dr. Socks’ criticism, lead scientist for the U of Pup study, Dr. Wags, rebutted the claim by going nuts upon seeing his owner reach into a drawer and pull out his leash.

While further research is needed to validate the landmark study, the results could lead to a breakthrough in future pet ownership. Ultimately, the hopes of the research team is that the findings will result in cats being completely removed from domestic homes and chased into trees where they belong.

A request for comment on the study from Mr. Feathers, a spokes-bird for Bird Talk Magazine, was not immediately available.

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How to Get Your Cat to Pitch in Around the House

Much like college friends and newborn babies, cats make terrible roommates. Sure, they’re fuzzy, adorable and occasionally haz cheezburger, but when it comes time to wash the dishes or pay the electric bill – WHAM! They retreat to their secret kitty hiding spot to wait out all the hard work.

LazyCat
Grab a mop, Butterscotch.

And what’s even worse? The fact that they re-emerge hours later with that unassuming look of indifference. Hey Mittens, how about a little appreciation? You could at least PRETEND like you “totally would have helped out” had you been around when we were cleaning.

Well if you’re sick of that freeloading cat sleeping in YOUR chair, eating all YOUR cat food and playing with YOUR colorful feathers attached to sticks, then it’s time to take action. Of course, you could just kick the cat out and let some other poor sap put up its unwillingness to get a job, but then who would you dress up in little hats to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling blue? As an alternative, here’s how to get your cat to stop being lazy and start pitching in around the house:

Cover Your Dirty Dishes in Cat Hair

If there’s one thing cats like to clean, it’s themselves. Take advantage of this vanity by collecting all your cat’s shedded fur. When it comes time to do a load of dishes, cover your plates with all that hair (tip: spaghetti sauce works as a natural adhesive). Then, dump all the dishes in your cat’s favorite sitting spot.

Eventually, your cat will come along and settle in for a nice, long bath. Thanks to the excess fur, that stupid cat won’t know where it’s body ends, and the housework begins! Before he knows it, he’s licked your plates clean and you’ve actually had a chance to sit down and watch your favorite television program for once. (note: put dishes away immediately to avoid re-dirtying due to hairballs).

Rub Your Things With Another Cat

Got a stack of antique silver teapots that have started to tarnish? Don’t give in like last time and polish your treasured keepsakes while your cat lays in the sunspot quietly judging you. Instead, use your cat’s natural inclination to mark its territory to get him to do it for you.

To do so, you’ll need the scent of another cat. Maybe you have an extra one lying around. If not, borrow a friend’s or walk outside and open a can of wet cat food (at least one cat will come running up to help you out).

Then, take said cat and rub it all over your prized silver. When your cat smells that imposter’s body funk all over that silver, he’ll go to town rubbing all over it. The combined rubbing action of both cats will work together to remove the tarnish, and you’ll be all set to trick future dinner guests into thinking you’re way fancier than you actually are.

Lock Your Cat in a Room With the Vacuum Cleaner

Have you ever thought to yourself, “if Sebastian just gave the vacuum cleaner a chance, those two would be friends forever?” Sure you have, and you know what? You’re absolutely right!

Cats rarely stick around long enough to give vacuum cleaners a chance to get to know them. Turn on the vacuum and you’ll find this out firsthand. But if you lock a cat and vacuum cleaner in a room together, they’ll have plenty of time to get acquainted. Wait long enough, and eventually you’ll open the door to find your cat pushing its new best friend around room (sucker: he thinks they’re dancing!!).

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