The following people feel the same way. They rolled the dice by telling a blasphemous joke, gambling with their immortal soul; which any comedian will tell you is the ultimate rush. Let’s all take a drive to hell together. Jesus, take the wheel.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) February 12, 2019
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that's what all the rest of us are doing too— Posting is a human right (@InternetHippo) September 21, 2015
Jesus: this jesus bread is my body— Quilliam (@nyquills) January 17, 2019
Jesus: this jesus wine is my blood.
Jesus: this jesus fish is a sweet decal for your bumper
Disciples: *just losing their shit*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) October 21, 2018
Me: and he rose from the grave
Me: because of the yeast?
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*knock on door*— Dr. Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
[Jesus at Last Supper]— huntigula (@huntigula) January 5, 2015
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there
jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 3, 2015
me: good friday. we call it "good friday"
jesus: what the fuck
COP: jesus how much hav u had to drink— jonny sun (@jonnysun) August 23, 2015
JESUS: (leans out window) (whispers) my blood is wine
COP: ok step outa the car pal
Judas: still on for Friday?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
remember teens: even Jesus once logged off for 3 days— lawblob (@lawblob) June 22, 2014
Me: I know you from somewhere— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) October 26, 2015
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I'm sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
*Jesus excitedly runs home from school*— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 14, 2013
"dad, dad! I made the football team"
*God peers over his newspaper*
"well i made FUCKING EVERYTHING"
JESUS: so I'm u— matt (@dogfather) May 28, 2015
JESUS: and ur me
JESUS: I don't get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
25. *inserts shameless self-plug*
Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?"— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 15, 2012
Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus."
Jesus: "I forgive you."
Jesus take the wheel. Jesus use your blinkers. Jesus stop swerving. Jesus slow the vehicle down. Jesus give me the keys you're drunk.— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 29, 2015
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 20, 2014
"Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
"Welcome to McDonald's, what'll it be?"— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 29, 2015
Jesus whispering "5000 Filet-o-fish, and hurry"
"5000 FILETS DAN"
J "Shh, keep yr fuckin voice down"
God: Did you just fart?— Floyd is dead (@dafloydsta) September 30, 2014
Jesus: Sorry I had a burrito. It was-
God: Don't say it
Jesus: To die for
God: This is why you were sacrificed
32. Oh, you thought I was done promoting myself? Who is going to stop me? God?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013
"YOLT." - Jesus.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 4, 2015