In Memoriam: 6 Tombstones of Famous Robots (PICS)

Today is a day that we all take time to remember the fallen heroes of yesteryear. While most of the focus is rightly put on the brave soldiers that fought for our country, there is also an unsung group of heroes that many neglect to stop and remember. Of course, I am talking about robots. To help you all remember the cherished robots, androids and cyborgs in your life, here are six gravestones of famous robots:


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How to Harsh Someone's Mellow

Dude, you're such a buzzkill.

Are you a cop, goody-two-shoes or dean of a university? If so, then you may be interested in learning how to properly harsh someone’s mellow. Harshing someone’s mellow – defined as “ruining an individual’s enjoyment of recreational drugs” – is a skill that can be used to great benefit in a number of situations. Reasons you might want to buzzkill some dude’s mellow include:

  • He Bogarted your stash
  • He was only supposed to crash on your couch for two nights
  • He’s your science project partner and you want him to do his share of work
  • You’re a stick in the mud
  • He’s started a hippie commune in your backyard

Regardless of motivation, harshing someone’s mellow is a sure way to ruin a druggie’s good time. Follow these simple steps to quickly become an accomplished mellow harsher:

Talk About “Responsibility”

If there’s one thing drug enthusiasts hate, it’s responsibility. In fact, that’s part of the reason these fellows get mellow in the first place – they want to forget all their troubles. As such, going out of your way to bring up topics of responsibility can do much to help you succeed in your quest to be “Captain Bring-Down.” Good topics of discussion related to responsibility include:

  • Chores that need to be done
  • Deadlines for homework or office work
  • Government laws associated with wearing clothes in public
  • Checking on that crying baby in the other room

Eat All the Nachos

As the old saying goes, “where there’s drugs, there’s nachos.” In fact, if you’ve happened upon a mellow dude, then it’s pretty much guaranteed that nachos are in the vicinity. To effectively harsh that mellow, it is recommended you locate, and subsequently eat all these nachos. If you are having trouble locating the nachos, then be advised that the sneaky slacker may have accidentally misplaced them under a nearby flannel shirt or couch cushion.

Be “A Square”

When someone has “a mellow,” they usually want to talk about “hip” topics like video games, old kung fu movies and how good food tastes. To break the individual from this comfort zone, it is recommended you “be a square” and discuss boring or unpopular topics such as:

  • American history
  • The pros and cons of abortion
  • Drug-related death statistics
  • Why the original Star Wars movie was the worst movie ever

Hide the TV Remote

Unless there’s a marathon of Cops reruns on G4TV, then a hidden remote control is bound to bring someone down from his mellow. The effort of getting up and looking for the remote, combined with the fact that some lame show is now on the television, should be enough to annoy the high right out of him.


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10 Emasculating Photos of History's Most Feared Dictators and Leaders

When it comes to ruling a country with an iron fist, image is everything. To maintain their stranglehold on the public, history’s dictators prefer to be captured by the camera posed in either stoic looks of steel, passionate fervor or calm reserve. However, every once in a while the camera catches one of the world’s most feared men of power doing something that severely undercuts their street cred. Below, are ten emasculating and embarrassing photos of feared dictators and leaders:

When not busy corrupting the Russian government, Vladimir Putin likes to enjoy petting dolphins. That look on his face can only be described as “pure ecstasy.”

Here’s previous communist leader of the Soviet Union, Leonid Brezhnev, making out with fellow communist politician, Erich Honecker. (source)

…And here’s Brezhnev the morning after, checking up on Honecker to make sure he made it home safe. (source)

In this photo, Kim Jong Il reminds me less of the tyrannical “Dear Leader” of North Korea and more like a haggard old grandfather.

No man can go down on a hot dog without looking a little queer – not even Fidel Castro. (source)

Prior to becoming the leader of the Communist Party for the Soviet Union in 1953, Nikita Khrushchev (right) enjoyed the completely masculine hobby of ventriloquism. Here he is with good pal “Yakov the drunken Trotskyite.” (source)

Hugo Chavez looks like a pouty Boy Scout in this photo. I guess the parrot wasn’t enough to get him that Pirate Merit Badge he was going for.

Hua Guofeng succeeded Mao Zedong as the Communist leader of China in 1976. It wasn’t until years later that Guofeng was exposed for what he really was – a really sleepy turtle. (source)

Okay, this photo of Saddam Hussein in his underwear was first printed by British tabloid newspaper, The Sun, so it’s quite possibly Photoshopped. Regardless, it’s still pretty emasculating.

Who wears short shorts? That’s right, the most feared and despicable man of all time, Adolf Hitler.


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Previews for This Week’s Un-Regularly Scheduled Programming

Breaking Rad

Walt is on a high after “eliminating” the competition from last week’s skateboarding competition. But when Skyler finds the prize money, will he finally be forced to confess his secret life as a skateboarder? Elsewhere, the walls close in from both sides when Schrader uncovers Walt’s latest “Heisenberg” graffiti tag.

Vampire High

In this continuation of last week’s episode, Becca stands in a field looking scared and breathing heavily. Later, Edwin shows up and takes his shirt off.

The Cobra Winfrey Show

Watch the crowd go wild as Cobra passes out generous gifts to the studio audience. Some of Cobra’s “favorite things” to be given away include a “Soothing Sounds of Snake Charmers” CD, bacon-wrapped rodents and a well-placed venomous bite to the face.

Aunt Ant, the Ant That’s an Aunt

The always-kooky Aunt Ant is up to her old “ant”-ics again! In this episode of the popular sitcom, Aunt Ant says “to heck” with Spring cleaning and decides to take her human nieces and nephews on a picnic instead. But when the Aunt’s entire colony shows up unannounced, will there be enough watermelon to go around? Later, the show’s writers up the “ant”-e when The Big Giant Shoe stops by to “crush” the party!

Baby Sopranos

Baby Tony runs into complications while trying to cover up the family’s most recent cookie jar heist. Against his better judgment, Baby Christopher starts eating glue again. Baby Adriana meets with the babysitter to discuss a deal. Baby Vito comes out as a homosexual.


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An Ogre's Introduction to Bridge Toll Collection

As an ogre living in the middle ages, there aren’t too many career options available to you. In general, the typical ogre can choose from the following career paths:

Oh boy! A customer! (art by Daniel Jones)

Of these options, bridge toll collector is perhaps the most lucrative. While salary will vary depending on both the location of your bridge and amount of foot traffic, a motivated ogre might expect a weekly salary somewhere in the range of 40 gold coins. If you are interested in becoming a bridge toll collector, read on to learn more about the many perks of this exciting career:

Benefits of Bridge Toll Extortion

The many advantages of extorting travelers out of money so that they can cross a bridge you happen to be standing on includes the ability to:

Qualities of a Good Bridge Toll Collector

If you are an ogre, then you likely already possess the first ingredient for success as a bridge toll collector: hideous facial features. Studies show that the uglier an ogre is, the more successful he is at intimidating his customers into handing over their money. Other qualities that tend to benefit a bridge toll collector include:

  • Good communication skills (English is better than grunts and growls)
  • Experience wielding a club
  • The ability to lift an average-sized adult male in full knight armor
  • Strong multitasking skills (remember, traveler will approach from BOTH sides of the bridge)

What Do I Need to Get Started?

Another advantage of becoming a bridge toll collector is the relatively low investment necessary to start your career. However, the successful ogre will need to purchase (or steal) a few items to improve his or her chances for financial success. These items include:

  • A bridge
  • A wooden club or tree stump (for threatening customers)
  • A sack of coins (so you can make change)

If you’re motivated, you might also want to making a sign that informs travelers how much you charge for allowing passage across the bridge (tip: to increase business, consider offering discounts rates for children and senior citizens).


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